Recap: My H told me a year ago that he had been in a long distance EA, it was over, but he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. In December he told me it had actually been a 2 year long PA. She lives about 5000 miles away, they probably saw each other an average of every six to eight weeks because of H's work travel. We went through a month of limbo and discernment counseling and he broke it off with her in February. They got back in touch four months later and sparked it back up (she reached out to tell him she was moving on forever, he lost the plot). Another six weeks of limbo (she's the love of his life, he doesn't know if he can be happy without her, but he wants to stay BFFs with me) and he broke it off again in July in order to go on a 5 week trip with me and the kids-- my condition for going was that he go NC, block her on all communication channels, and at least be able to tell me he had no intention of contacting her again (he "can't predict the future" and so didn't want to say she was absolutely out of his life forever). We got back a week and a half ago. A few days ago, H told me he was thinking about her again and wanted to be with her and we should S.
I said, OK and have been moving forward with my plans for a life without H. We have talked generally about finances and child custody and are on the same page, though we haven't gone through the spreadsheets in detail. At first I was the angriest I have ever been in my life and having a hard time dealing with the anger. I've been basically NC and avoided him as much as possible. He has been sleeping in the basement and checking out apartments.
H, of course, has now started waffling. As usual.
LH/Ginger... I don't want to stay in a loveless M for the sake of the kids. Especially a loveless M to a weak and selfish liar. What I have said all along is that I wanted the chance to work on it and give our M the best possible shot. That if we both looked each other in the eyes and gave it our best and we couldn't make it work-- then, OK. But I want to be secure in my heart that I did everything I possibly could to give my children a happy two-parent household. I don't want to have any regrets, especially regrets linked to the kids.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Every single person on this board wanted to work on our marriages to give it the best chance. Unfortunately it takes two people to make that happen. I am 100% sure you can be secure in your heart that you did everything possible to give your kids a happy two parent home.
I am friends of a couple in an unhappy marriage. Their children are roughly the same age as mine. I can promise you my kids are more adjusted and happier then their kids.
It’s time to open the cage door May and set your husband free.
May, you have been so strong and clear and have had amazing boundaries over the past few days, which have been inspiring to read. Don’t let his waffling alter your course at this point. Anything less than full-steam ahead is going to result in the same outcome you have found yourself in a few different times over the past year. And you are finally trusting yourself that you will be OK in a different outcome. Don’t let him take that away from you. Whether you find your footing on your own, or a real version of M2.0, keep steaming ahead. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find the latter until you execute the former.
Keep seeing H for who he really is. Let that fuel you into the next step. If H is REALLY, TRULY, FAITHFULLY invested in finding M2.0, NOTHING will stop him. Not a S, not division of assets and custody, not divorce proceedings. NOTHING will stop him if he is 100% committed to finding his way back into your trust and back into your heart. So, you have nothing to lose by putting your foot to the metal and gunning your beautiful self into a new life.
Everything H has said to you in his waffling is an attempt to put the onus back on you for all of this, which I hope you see. ‘You will never forgive me. You will never really love me again. You are just doing this for the kids.’ Bull f*cking sh!t. You may be a sexy little kitten, but don’t for one minute lap that up like warm milk. (You will never be able to look at that real kitten of yours the same again— sorry, not sorry ).
From the 30,000 ft (AKA an outsider’s) view, your path is clear: you do the best for YOU right now. H will work his ever-living socks off to convince you of path B if he is sincere in M 2.0. And if he’s not, then you are well on your way to your own path B.
You are worth so much more than what you are receiving right now. And only you can put up the boundaries to find your way there.
I had dinner with my cousin tonight who is I Unhappily married and actually been carrying on an affair for 2 years With a married man. Their son is 8 years old. She told me that he just always asks us to stop fighting . She said he feels the tension. He hears it when they think they are hiding it. And she knows this isn’t better for him. I have a feeling he would almost be relieved eventually if they divorced, quite honestly.
Like LH said. BOTH parties need to want and commit to making it marriage 2.0. It doesn’t work only when one partner does.
Please don’t let his waffling change your course. It almost seems as if he wants in, you want in, if he wants out, you want out.
You’ve put every effort in. At this point you need to do what’s healthy for you, not go according to whatever he is feeling that day. You deserve better than than
He came to me today and said basically everything I have been wanting to hear for the past year.
He apologized deeply for everything, for hurting me, for having the affair, for causing so much damage and grief. He said if he could go back in time to when he first crossed the line with AP, he wouldn't do it again. He wants to remove AP from his head and heart. He said he wants to fall back in love with me and (like he just figured this out) that he couldn't possibly have those feelings for me right now when he's put a pin in them with another person. He needs to remove that pin and is going to do everything he can to do so. He is planning on treating it like an addiction and working with his IC on it, that he'll have healthy activities like hiking and cooking (?) to lean on when she pops up in his head.
He talked about M2.0 and that he wants it and can envision it and wants to work hard towards it. That he knows there were a lot of little ways that he was intentionally or not being a d!ck to me over the past 2.5 years because he wanted me to D him. That he'd built up all these justifications in his head for why the R with AP was the right choice, but now he sees it was purely selfish. He doesn't want to be a selfish person. He doesn't want to be a liar. He wants to end the behavior that was causing him to lie and thinks once that is over, he can once again be an honest person. The deception has been tearing him apart for years and eating at his soul. He doesn't want to be that person anymore.
He wants to invest in me, the children, and our MR. He says he knows I don't trust him but that he will show me how he loves me and is investing in our MR, that he will be loving and cultivate loving feelings towards me by demonstrating loving behaviors. He said I haven't seen him do that for a long, long time and he will show me through his actions that he's serious about recommitting to the M.
He said this time, he's making this decision and commitment on his own for himself and for us, not because he felt coerced into it by me, and that (to him) will make all the difference. He wants to never talk to AP again and to relegate her to the status of someone who he thinks of occasionally, with fondness, and hopes is doing OK. He wants this for himself and not because I'm asking him to do it.
He acknowledged that a part of this decision is motivated by fear, and while he doesn't think fear should be the basis for any decision, that it is fear for the well-being of the children and he thinks that is a healthy fear. But that is just part of the reasons for the decision. He loves me, never stopped loving me, loves our children and our life together, and wants to rebuild the emotional intimacy between us. He's willing to read the books or do the programs or whatever it takes.
I was pretty shocked, to be honest. Also I'm totally exhausted and don't really know how to process any of this right now. He seemed very different from how he's seemed in these conversations in the past. I asked him what changed. He said, he went looking at apartments and one came through. He could move in tomorrow. And when he got that email he realized that isn't what he wants. He also spoke to his mom and brother and good friend and thought a lot last night after we talked. His brother helped him see he was being selfish (haha not me!). His friend told him that as a father his number one responsibility is to protect his children, and by not giving our MR 100% and ending the A he is failing his children. His mom told him she thinks he would be making a horrible mistake to leave. His dad sent him some Catholic videos about being a man (H has always been very very Catholic, the entire time I've known him he has gone to Mass every Sunday, until, surprise surprise, a couple of years ago he stopped unless he needed to take our Ds in for CCD) and he watched them and a couple things said in there really affected him and made him think about who he is and who he wants to be. Fundamentally he doesn't want to be a man who is a selfish liar.
(FWIW, I texted his mom yesterday to thank her for her support, tell her she should know she could always reach out to the kids through me and not feel like she needed to go through H. That I was very sorry but I felt I'd done everything humanly possible to give the girls a chance at a happy two-parent household but wasn't sure I could go through any more of this. Previously, I'd told her I was standing for our M. She didn't text me back for like half an hour and said she loved all of us, was at a loss for words, and continued to pray for a better resolution to all of this. It sounds like in that half hour gap she texted H that he was making a horrible mistake and his dad sent the videos over.)
He also talked about the MLC aspects of what had happened to him and the fears of not living the life he wants to live. He wants to work together to incorporate some of the things he felt I always prevented him from doing into M2.0. (He does have a point here, I was a b!tch about a lot of stuff.)
But, he understands if I don't want this, if I can't trust him, if I still want to D. It is my choice and I don't need to make it today.
I said OK. I need to think on all of this. It is a lot.
And there you go. He left to run some errands. I think I'm going to take a nap and not think about this for the afternoon.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Oh May - what an emotional rollercoaster. Taking a nap sounds like a great idea. Now is a good time to up the self care. You're right. You don't have to make the decision today. Take all the time your heart needs.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
May, if my H comes back to me crawling on his knees right now asking to reconcile, I would ask him to sign the divorce papers (with terms favorable to me) first before anything. So my advice for you is to protect your assets and custody rights before indulging your H in his wishful thinking. Please don’t go down that road again with him.
Originally Posted by may22
He also talked about the MLC aspects of what had happened to him and the fears of not living the life he wants to live. He wants to work together to incorporate some of the things he felt I always prevented him from doing into M2.0. (He does have a point here, I was a b!tch about a lot of stuff.)
No. He does not have a point here. You “prevented” him from doing what? He is a grown man and needs to take responsibilities for his own failings. He f*cked up. Did he expect you to hold his hand working torward M2.0??
That was a lot of talk from your H. Words are just words.
I will say one thing, these WW husbands on this board are fuching pieces of work puss#%s. I'm in I'm out. I'm in I'm out. You woman deserve so much more!
So for what its worth that took a lot of gumption for your H to come and say all that too you. It seems that you listened and didn't say much but you could have easily gotten up and walked away and decided it was too late to hear any of that.
I think if your H is serious about his words you will see immediate action.
Why not sit back and enjoy the show -so to speak. Just like when our WAS have to see serious continuous efforts to be different and that they truly do not believe at first that the changes are real... now its your turn to sit back and see if he seriously makes the changes and is he consistent over time?
In all honesty an A is like a drug dependency... just like a break up triggers those addiction like behaviors in the LBS. The first step is the recognition as such and that he needs to do replacement behaviors --- that's big IMO.
Take the time to sort things out - maybe you would feel better working toward M2.0 if you separated to give yourself some breathing room while he shows consistent behavior over time that he is committed to this and loving you in the future.
Bottom line May is the ball has been and continues to be in your court. You know what is best and quite frankly is proof yet again that they only tend to want to come back when you've moved on.
). 