Scout... I'm not leaving this house. I'm working on drafting up what I want in the post-nup and a big part is that this house is mine.
PLC... Assuming I decide I want to stay with him, I want him to have closure with her. I think it is important for him. And, even though she's a sad sorry person who was willing to have a relationship with a married man... he's been d!cking her around for 2.5 years. That is messed up. She needs it too. I really don't GAF too much at this point. Plus I have zero control over whether he talks to her or not. If he thinks he needs to do this, that is his choice. Once it happens, if it happens, I can see the lay of the land at that point and see what I think.
I'm not holding my breath, though. just focusing on me. The new revelations were interesting. We will see.
Aside from all that, I did some reorganizing and clearing out of my stuff in my bedroom, chilled with the girls, watched a movie cuddled with them outside (we had set up an outdoor movie screen in the spring), tried a new recipe with my sous vide, bought a Roomba and set it up (my H thinks I have too many floor cleaning appliances and didn't want another but D8 is sort of allergic to the kittens and I'm trying to keep it under control), and did some serious cuddling with these two silly little kittens. I feel pretty calm, all things considered.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
More of the same drama and him lying and not respecting your boundaries. He throws you a few crumbs, expects credit for his minimal interest in you and you allow it. Same script. The only difference here is that you are starting to become desensitized to it. This is how people end up staying with and abuser.
Again, there is no decision to be made here. You can decide to be married to a person AFTER they show you a person that is marriage material. He is not. He continues to only think of himself and his relief in sharing that drama and getting it off his chest. He is his choosing plan B. For now..... I don’t see anywhere how he cares for your experience and process.
This is all very sad to me. I wish you valued yourself more than to think this is acceptable (to even entertain his selfish drama). And you don’t have to try and convince us he is a good person and this time is different. This is your life. We will care for you and try and support you anyways because that’s what friends do. But I don’t think anyone is convinced of anything. I only see that your tolerance what BS continues and now you are becoming numb to it. I’m sorry. :-(
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 09/14/2010:31 AM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
BW is a very wise woman and right now if you let him back it is at best a "Stay of Execution" until the next OW comes along. Get him out of the house and if he wants to show you with actions he's changed then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
I know this is going to sound like I'm defending him, or defending my inability to make a decision, but I do want to point out that kicking someone out who is saying he doesn't want to leave is a lot harder than not taking someone back who has already left. At least, it feels like that to me, from where I sit today. What is the difference, really, in letting him prove through his actions with him in the house rather than once we are separated and traumatized the children? MWD in her books consistently say in-house separation is better than leaving, as long as you can handle it. The DB coach I had said the same thing.
It is hard. And the difference is that you will get to heal properly. Without him around you don’t constantly get all this bs from him and have it mess with your head. Stop worrying about the children. They will be fine and you know it. You need to put yourself first. Everything else I agree with the posters above. Detachment is when you don’t let his crap upset you. But self love is knowing that you need to walk away from his crap. I know this is all incredibly hard. But please take your time to think it through. What exactly is left of this man that you feel like you still need to hold on to him?
So I just have a few thoughts on all of this. He's a master manipulator. Like heavy weight champion of the world. I won't disagree for a second with everyone else on here about that. Or that he's selfish, immature, and very likely not making this choice from a place that rest solidly in the thought that you are a person of high value and that you are irreplaceable in his life. However, the reality here is those words are all coming from people who were the LBS.
Returning or making that choice for M 2.0 isn't a pretty or straight line. There was a 2.5 year long relationship here how many people get over their serious relationships of 3 years over night? They don't. You wanting to see him have his closure is a kindness he doesn't deserve, but it is coming from a logical place. Not a manipulated one. There is going to be a long hang over here, and an even longer road to recovery. Affairs almost never last that long, and the reality is it didn't last as long as it did because you allowed it to, you didn't know. You simply didn't know for the bulk of it. The fact that you are starting to have empathy for them both and have become so detached is such a sign of strength and growth through this. You acknowledging you can't control his feelings of loss over AP is a big deal. Most people on here probably wouldn't tolerate the amount of information both you and I endured. But if nothing else we've grown though the pain, and frankly we both will have closure on the OW in a way that others may never get.
The other thing is you're hearing from a lot of people who were physically separated. Very, very few of us have dealt with this process with the WS in the same house full time from beginning of the A to piecing. It's a pretty rare occurrence on here. I think there are plethora of variables in that. So with that in mind I'll agree you need to keep focusing on you. Keep self assessing what's acceptable for you. What's healthy and what's not for you. Keep checking and re-checking those boundaries.You really should get the legal stuff in order here, as a safety net. However, outside of that you have time. You don't have to kick him out to make this decision, but if you do, out doesn't mean over. Yes, I like you felt like if he's out that door I'm done with this, but it doesn't have to be. Right now I think it's just important you take your space as you need it and if that means him in the basement, ok. If that means him in another house, ok. I think it's also important to make sure you have the time you need here. So if you want a week, a month or a year to decided and you want to do it with him in the house that's up to you.
This is your journey. If M 2.0 is what you want and you want to go for it with him never leaving the home that's up to you. You want him out that's up to you too. And if you just want to give it a little time to see if this time is any different, that's yours too.
None of this is a perfect science and no matter what road you choose. Both will be arduous. And neither will make everyone happy all of the time.
This isn’t easy for sure. And I know a part of this is not wanting to be the one to “end the marriage”
He is really a master manipulator.
He needs to get his closure and heal on his own. That isn’t for you to do. Help him and support him in this. That’s on him.
I don’t know how you trust him when he keeps lying. And getting numb to this is actually more worrisome.
I would have him leave and get this apartment and let him Heal and get over his AP of 2 years all on his own. Then if he truly heals and stops being a manipulator and liar, maybe when he’s healed you guys can work on marriage 2.0.
But he is all over the place. he is not ready for marriage 2.0. He’s got a lot of work to do on himself before he is ready to work at a better marriage.
Your kids will be fine. Probably better actually.
Time for him to get out of your space and let him work on his issues
Im into vedic astrology and just that point of view and living, it very much encourages spiritual growth. I was listening to a lecture the other day In relation to betrayal in marriage and how to act. And whilst their view is that the partner that was given to you is your partner for life and the one you need to learn to love and accept, in case of betrayal, you distance yourself, you grow, and not allow to be used or humiliated in any way. And i see so many similarities with db here! And i feel like his journey is starting now....from the moment you ask him to leave and live separately until he proves to you that he is worth it. He might never do that May, he might never learn or grow, but do you see that you are driven by fear here, fear that the notion of your marriage will be lost. You dont have to D now, but you need to have self respect and grow into a happy woman who is content and in harmony with herself.
The choice is absolutely yours and i think everyone here will support you no matter what.
P.s i see so many similarities with my H and i often wonder if he is capable of changing his lying ways
May, how can you be sure that AP didn't give him full blown rejection after he reached out? This is a very fast u-turn on his part. Do you believe him when he says she is still there for him and this is HIS choice?
Thinking of you x
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
