Midlife wife crisis 15

[Rose888]

So you broke up with your girlfriend a week after she found out she was pregnant. Then you come to the board and say you broke up with her. Then a couple of days go by and you say she is pregnant, which implies that she told you she was pregnant after you broke up with her, not before.

That is not a good look.

This might be the time to ask yourself some hard questions:

What kind of man do you want to be?

What are your core values?

What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

I can see from your description that the relationship has some challenges aside from the pregnancy. But stop to think about what kind of man you want to be, and then think about how that man would respond to the situation your current self has gotten into.

[Wolfman]

So you broke up with your girlfriend a week after she found out she was pregnant. Then you come to the board and say you broke up with her. Then a couple of days go by and you say she is pregnant, which implies that she told you she was pregnant after you broke up with her, not before.

That is not a good look.

This might be the time to ask yourself some hard questions:

What kind of man do you want to be?

What are your core values?

What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

I can see from your description that the relationship has some challenges aside from the pregnancy. But stop to think about what kind of man you want to be, and then think about how that man would respond to the situation your current self has gotten into.

Those are questions I ask myself constantly. I am so torn. I want to do the right thing and be with her. The constant arguing is difficult, somethings she has said about my kids in the past bothered me. For example I am dealing with parent alienation with my ex, she has my daughter now hating me and using my GF as a scape goat why she can’t come to my house. I get very depressed and upset not having my daughter in my life, my GF told me I just need to forget about her and move on. That she doesn’t like to see me so upset and doesn’t want me to hurt anymore and to put my daughter behind me. I can’t do that, just give up on my daughter. The other dilemma I have is, my GF said once she found out that we need to get married right now and I do mean right now. She wanted us to g to town hall and get a marriage license. I said I wasn’t sure about that, she said either we get married or there is nothing. I told her why can’t we continue to work on our relationship and when WE are both ready then we get married. I even said what if we get engaged this way you can see I am committed and then get married. Oh by the way ladies she told me her engagement ring has to be a minimum 2.5 carats.

I feel terrible because she is caring my child, but are we all suppose to be miserable for the next 20 years? I want to work it out but I am not ready to get married right now and I expressed that to her. There is a million things going through my head. Tell me what you all think about this. My daughter hasn’t been to my house in 3 months and she claims it’s because my GF is there. Maybe this gives me a chance to work on my relationship with my daughter. Like I said I am so messed up. Any comments, recommendations, questions I welcome.

[Rose888]

So, how do you answer those questions? What are your core values? What kind of man do you want to be? What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

[Wolfman]

So, how do you answer those questions? What are your core values? What kind of man do you want to be? What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

My core values are to step up and be a father. To have a loving family and take care of my responsibilities like
I always have.
I want to be a man who takes on responsibility. A man who is happy in is life and making the people he loves feel happy and safe.
The last one I don’t know how to answer. Because I don’t know what is right. I have a GF that I love but I don’t want to fight anymore. We have some differences that we need to work out. The other thing is I bring everything to this relationship. I have a career, a home, a pension, I have everything to lose. I guess I am just so afraid of getting divorced again. When stuff got real it scared me. I always thought I wanted to get married again but now it’s “here” and I am having second thoughts.
Oh and I saw the sonogram yesterday. I am a person that takes his time with big decisions and second guess myself about everything, from buying car, to buying a home, when I had kids the first time and my first marriage.

[Core]

Hey Wolf,

Sorry to hear about the situation you are in at the present moment. Modern society has many of us going against nature thus the indecisiveness. I get why you're stuck, I would be too. You have pressure and influence from many directions including my post here.

I ask you to think as clearly as possible about the decision. Meditate on it, get other thoughts and feelings out of the way.

Heres my main concerns:

I get very depressed and upset not having my daughter in my life, my GF told me I just need to forget about her and move on. That she doesn’t like to see me so upset and doesn’t want me to hurt anymore and to put my daughter behind me. I can’t do that, just give up on my daughter. The other dilemma I have is, my GF said once she found out that we need to get married right now and I do mean right now. She wanted us to g to town hall and get a marriage license. I said I wasn’t sure about that, she said either we get married or there is nothing. I told her why can’t we continue to work on our relationship and when WE are both ready then we get married. I even said what if we get engaged this way you can see I am committed and then get married. Oh by the way ladies she told me her engagement ring has to be a minimum 2.5 carats.

Read that over a few times.

Red flag 1 - she asks you to leave your own daughter behind for her. What does this say about how she cares about YOUR feelings and who is her concern here?

Red flag 2 - wanting you away from those you love to have you for herself. If you're away from your support system and daughter, all you have is her.

Red flag 3 - she's giving you an ultimatum, pressuring you before you're even married. What other ultimatums will you see? You'd be marrying out of guilt and responsibility, not for a peaceful loving relationship. Here she is again disregarding your feelings and concerns.

Red flag 4 - the ring must be 2.5 carats. Why? So she can brag, show off to others? Money and status is clearly important to her. What if you run low on money or status changes? What if she finds someone with more of either?

As men, IF the baby is ours (ask yourself, is it guaranteed its yours?), the right thing by society is to marry. In olden times thats fine. Now however much of the system is against the man and high earner. You know this already as you were there once. Imagine trying to get her to sign a prenup.

She may be worried, scared and wanting commitment because of the baby, I totally get that. Female nature and for good reason. If you aren't ready for marriage, give her committment but not marriage (not in writing or your state may consider it common law marriage), and help her through her insecurity. If she leaves you for not marrying her, wouldnt she be one to leave a marriage as well? Especially when she is incentivized to D as there is more to gain, i.e. child support, alimony and half your stuff.

[Ginger1]

How can you possibly say this woman is amazing? She seems awful. She wants you to leave your daughter behind. Marry you right now with a ring that will cost thousands.

She sounds like a teal catch.

I have a feeling your daughter new about the true her the whole time I wouldn’t doubt she was trying to drive a wedge between the two of you and this was less about parental alienation by her mother

[Rose888]

I agree with Ginger that your GF seems awful.

In fact, when I read that you had broken up with her and were planning to stay single (before I knew you did that after learning she was pregnant), I thought that was a great step forward.

What criteria do you look for in a romantic partner? Because, based on what you've shared here about your GF, I think your people selector is broken.

That said, breaking up with her within a week of learning she is pregnant? It's hard to award you the moral high ground here.

I'm not saying to marry her. Let me be very clear about that. But even in stable, healthy relationships between two mature people, pregnancy can be a rough time. Which is why I encourage you to think about what your core values are and how you want to behave. Because you're going to have to learn how to live out of your values, even if the other person isn't.

Honestly, this is part of the hard work of DBing that you skipped doing after bomb drop. Better late than never.

[Wolfman]

Omg thank you so much the 3 of your for your comments. I am just so confused and lost. I feel like i should marry her because of the baby, yet my heart isn’t truly there. I am scared to get married and then divorced again and I don’t like the pressure.
So last night we spoke about a lot of things. I will try and get to the point and summarize. She told me she has anxiety that I could break up with her again at any time. So her compromise to me was this. Go talk to her father and tell him that I want to marry his daughter and get engaged in a month. During the next month go to therapy together. She feels by me doing that I won’t back out because then I would be lying to her father. She said then we could get married in a few months. I told her that is a lot of pressure to go and speak to your father and say those things. I said why not just work on things and go to therapy and we get to that point, then I propose. She said there are no assurances there. And that I am putting in minimal effort.
This morning I told her what assurances do I have that we get married and you won’t just leave? I said then you get everything and I am left with nothing. Of course that upset her, and I wanted to laugh because she said once we get married she will do everything to make sure we don’t get divorced and that she doesn’t want to get divorced. I said I understand that, I said you do realize when people get married they don’t go in thinking when are they going to get divorced. Of course she knew where I was going with that. So of course she got mad and said she tried and she was willing to compromise by not getting married right away. And that all I care about is the home and finances and that I am selfish and only thinking of myself. I will say this to very one on here, I am thinking of myself a little because I have everything to lose and she has everything to gain. I feel terrible that she got preganant when we weren’t trying, but jumping into marriage is not the answer to me. Also she said that having a baby is more of a reason to stay together than marriage. I said I don’t agree, 15 year old kids have kids do they jump into marriage then? Tell me if I am wrong but a marriage is more of a reason to stay together than an unplanned pregnancy. Just like in my first marriage once I put that ring on her finger I want going anywhere, unfortunately my ex is the one who wanted divorce and I could not stop her. But divorce wasn’t an option for me. I just feel like she has this all backwards. She wants to get married because in her words it brings her security that I won’t break up with her again. Yet we have many issues to work out and I feel that’s what we should fix first. She makes me feel like I am all wrong and crazy. What does everyone think?

[Core]

I am just so confused and lost. I feel like i should marry her because of the baby, yet my heart isn’t truly there. I am scared to get married and then divorced again and I don’t like the pressure.

It sounds like you don't want to marry, yet. You don't have to.

Theres a lot of me in your post, I can tell where youre coming from. From your perspective of events that you wrote out, I still see plenty of pressure and disregard of your opinion and feeling. On her end, the anxiety is understandable as well. She may be having a baby with no support system or consistency (in her mind).

Marriage should be a collaboration not a compromise. People feel like they loose in a compromise.

Her compromise of waiting longer and having you talk to her father who will also pressure you doesnt sound like much of a compromise. Your indecision is giving her room to influence. If you're firm on not marrying, let her know that and that you're here for her and the baby. Get her anxiety at ease without giving in on your boundaries. You can offer to still do counseling if youre on board. Imagine years down the road if you marry and in a fight she says "you know, you never wanted to even marry me in the first place!".

[Rose888]

Why is her father part of this conversation? How young is she? Does she come from a culture where parents have a lot of say in their adult child's life?

I think it's understandable that she is looking for security, and I can see her point about a child being a better reason to stay together than marriage. It's not the only way to look at it, but I don't think she's crazy for thinking that. The teenage example doesn't apply, unless you are claiming that you and your GF have the mental and emotional maturity of teenagers.

That said, I don't think you should feel forced to marry her. And I don't think you should tell her father you are going to get engaged in the future.

But I do think (assuming paternity is proven), that you should work out a legally binding support arrangement. I don't think she should have to rely on your word alone that you are going to provide for your child. If you're expecting her to just take your word for it, then I can see why she's pushing for marriage.