A day at a time

[may22]

I’m going to be kind of blunt here. Please forgive me in advance.

Your H had a 2 year A! He hid this from you for 2 years! Which involves some pretty serious deceit. And implies a pretty serious lack of morals .

Somebody who is capable of that has serious issues that goes beyond a SSM. He has a lot to overcome before he can build a healthy marriage with you. To be able to fundamentally carry on a 2 year love affair with his wife and young kids at home, he needs to do intensive work and have intensive remorse. And not see this is a good thing in any way.

I’m sorry. I felt like it had to be said.

No disagreement here. He has a lot, a LOT to work through. TBH I don't think he is a bad or immoral person at heart, though. If he did, I would not be standing for the M. I think he made some really terrible choices and then basically felt stuck for two years, having done the unthinkable and unforgiveable to me, and yet not being able to fully detach from the M and move out/on. I feel badly for him in a lot of ways. I can't imagine how it would feel to have acted so horribly to the one person I was supposed to be there for no matter what. But, he dug that hole for himself. Ending the A was a big step for him (to him, at least) and making the choice to face what he's done. He was/is very scared of that and feels/felt (we haven't talked about this all for some time, so IDK where his head is at the moment) that what he did to me was so unforgiveable that he doesn't know how to fully acknowledge it and that he'll never be able to forgive himself. He's in IC and working on understanding why he did what he did and what it means about the kind of person he is and his identity.

Anyway. All that to say-- don't be sorry for being blunt. You are 100 percent correct. And his work is his work, not mine. I know it may seem strange that I'm open to still living with this person and believe that there is a possibility for full forgiveness on both our sides-- me forgiving him and him forgiving himself-- but I do feel that is a possibility, and one worth standing for, at least for some period of time. Also, when/if we get to this place where he's remorseful and all the rest, it is also true that I contributed to the unhealthy dynamic in our R as well, the SSM being a big part of that. So I also have work to do, if we get there.

But we are far from that place, I think. Him saying that piece about the A maybe being what saves our M, and the fact that he made a 'major life change' for me and the M, just shows how far he has to go.

[may22]

He'd say things like, 'maybe at the weekend if we can get the house nice' then watch me deep-clean the house then deliberately avoid me or pick an argument at bed time, then deny he was doing it. It felt not only like a rejection, but like gas-lighting, like a betrayal, and it had a horrible effect on me. I also dealt with it in extremely immature ways, which is on me.

This kills me, Alison. It makes me so angry to read. And a tiny part of me wonders if I came across that way at all to my H and I am afraid maybe I did. Not deliberately, but setting the bar so high for what it would take for me to want to sleep with him that it was impossible for any human being to meet, because the real issue was inside of me, or at least enough of it was within me that it would have taken the both of us working hard to address it, not just him. (And I didn't do anything about it on my end, except talk to my doctor who said it was totally normal and my GFs with young children who were mostly also not sleeping with their Hs, and so neatly packaged it in my mind as not a big deal.) I never, for a moment, really empathized and imagined what it must feel like for him.

I have phrases like 'you know, you could be right,' *drifts away to do something more interesting* when my H starts throwing criticism and blame about.

I can use this.

If you would like a suggestion, May, then I would advise you to do all the work you can in private, without discussion or reporting to your H, on any issues that are yours regarding the SSM. Don't talk to him about it, don't expect his approval, and whether that includes you being in a physical relationship with him again or not is up to you. But I think if you make this a matter of your concern, privately, then a) the changes in your behaviour and attitude to this matter will leak through anyway - he will be able to tell you are taking this seriously and b) you're not engaging in any kind of discussions with you where he's levering a real concern in order to make excuses for the issues he should be working on. I think not speaking about the SSM with him is a good idea, and responding blandly or assertively to his blame-shifting is also a good idea.

We haven't talked about it again and I'm not planning on engaging with him about it. I did spend some time with my IC on the topic and how the feeling of rejection I've experienced with the affair is playing into all of this, also. I think my plan is to avoid any conversations about it for the time being; set boundaries around being spoken to rudely, anything that triggers in me the fear that we're going down the same pathway as before. I refuse to be treated that way.

I am willing to listen if my behaviour is affecting him. And I can tell the difference between a blame and a genuine piece of feedback. Blame is about H not having to do anything, feedback is a request for a change that might involve both of us. 'You're such a slack housekeeper it's no wonder I'm so grumpy in the evenings' is blame and I ignore it. 'Can we talk about setting up a rota for the housework - it really gets me down when I come home to dishes undone' is a request for change, and I engage whole heartedly. You know your H and you will know which of these he's doing very easily.

This is exactly the situation I'm in here too, the difference between blame and genuine feedback. I won't take the blame but I am open to talking on an even level--not, right now, about the SSM, but about regular day-to-day things we need to engage in to run a household together. I actually haven't heard any blame since I posted about the last exchange, and we've had situations where it easily could have gone that direction and instead he was adult about it, and I was too. I'm not sure that I'll call it progress, yet. Maybe in a few more weeks if it keeps up, I will.

On working on the SSM by myself.. one of those things that feels a little difficult to do, on my own. (ha!) I did so much research after BD on this and maybe I'll re-read the Nabowski book (did you get it, by the way? What do you think?).

For me, I think continuing to practice self-care and taking opportunities to step outside of my mom persona is one thing I can do. And, relentlessly enforcing the respect/partnership boundary in our household so that as long as we are going to be living together, I won't let myself feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or that I have a third child in the home to manage. I'll let the dishes stay undone rather than do them resentfully, or remind him it's his turn. (Argh! That will be the hardest).

[AlisonUK]

Hi May

well, that's how I saw it at the time - and because I saw it that way, that was the feelings that I had. And those feelings got me grumpy and withdrawn and critical and all sorts. But I think actually what was happening was that H feared disappointing me, and he wanted to want to be intimate more, but he was afraid of my reaction if he was truthful with me, he didn't know what the truth of it for himself was, and it was easier - amongst all the other stress of work and young children - to avoid the matter. And the more he avoided, the more I felt rejected and the more critical and pursuing I became, and so the less attractive to him, and over the years these positions became very entrenched. What I thought of it at the time is not what I think about it now: I am more able to see his point of view (though I still do get very hurt and angry and feel rejected at times - and underneath that is a whole lot of fear - it is a work in progress as you can see by my last posts in my own thread!) and sometimes (not all the time) I am able to take who he is less personally - which puts a lot more air and grace and compassion into the situation.

I did read Come as you Are. I didn't find it as useful as I thought - though I can imagine for someone feeling less educated or positive about their body it would be hugely positive. I did find The Sex Starved Marriage Book really helpful - more for understanding my H's point of view on things (he is more talkative about that, and we do manage to speak about it without blame more often than we did, but it is still such a delicate matter. It helped me understand WHY it was such a delicate matter - that I felt there was something wrong with me that he didn't want it, and he felt I was constantly pointing out that there was something wrong with him (not attractive!) and we both would tend to get defensive when it wasn't needed. That really helped.

I don't know how or if you want to or even if it is the right time to address the SSM for yourself. I don't have experience of being in your exact shoes. And I do think Ginger is right - your H has a massive, massive problem with dishonesty and until he makes some proper attempts to explore why that is without blaming it on you (even though of course you both provided the context where the choice to be dishonest made sense to him, it was still a free choice he made that is totally his responsibility) then I can't imagine how you'd be able to be authentically vulnerable with him.

In my marriage, it actually took me changing first to make any impact on my H. He had been honest and transparent about the infidelity, but not about his own feelings or responsibility. I don't think he felt remotely able to while he felt I was still angry with him - it made him defensive. I don't think your job is to comfort and provide that soft landing for your H to look at himself - that's on him and that's what a therapist is for.

But I can say there were small changes that H as the LD partner made that helped me heal a little and our marriage improve. He was more attentive to my feelings of rejection, and when he was tired or unable, he did - not all the time, by any stretch - but sometimes - actually verbalise things like 'this isn't you, this isn't because I am angry with you or wanting you to do something or be something else. This is because I am really tired.' He also started expressing a desire for me to sleep with him (in our bed) and come to bed at the same time as him. This really meant a lot to me, and I think it must have been a pretty scary thing for him to ask for, given that I might have taken that as a prelude to contact he wasn't able or ready to have - it felt like a turning-toward. I have been so primed to be sensitive to any possible turning-away that I got hyper-vigilant about it and I had to train myself to notice his turning-towards.

And I think it is extremely appropriate that you have boundaries - really firm boundaries - with a man who has demonstrated he's so consistently dishonest. And those boundaries might feel like more turning-away to a HD partner who has been hurt by rejection in the past. But that's the way it has to be right now between the two of you.

I don't think H and me could have got to the place we are (and I'm really, really not speaking from a great marriage - just a bruised and slowly slowly slowly improving one) without that period of separation. Where he was free from what he felt was constant criticism, and I was free from what I felt was constant rejection. There needed to be the space so we could heal separately. He lived elsewhere for about seven - maybe eight months (a bit longer, actually, I think) and it wasn't long enough. A year would have been better.

Anyway - just some thoughts, probably better for my own thread but I can't find it!

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Thank you for sharing all of this. It sounds like things are improving for the two of you, for sure.

Question for you. When you say it was you that made the first changes, that was you becoming more assertive and enforcing your boundaries? Asking him to leave? Curious what changes you made first... and if they were during your S or after he returned.

He had been honest and transparent about the infidelity, but not about his own feelings or responsibility. I don't think he felt remotely able to while he felt I was still angry with him - it made him defensive. I don't think your job is to comfort and provide that soft landing for your H to look at himself - that's on him and that's what a therapist is for.

I feel like this is where we are, that he finally came fully clean about the infidelity but is simply nowhere near being able to address his own feelings or responsibility here. And that the safest thing for me to do is to not engage around it at least for now.

We had a minor incident today, where we were having a conversation about a friend who is Ded and dating, and the conversation somehow turned to how people during COVID times are making decisions about safe sex or not and how the whole possibility of being infected with COVID from a new partner might make people less concerned about other stuff... anyway, it made me think of my H making that decision in/re AP, and H was talking animatedly, and I just couldn't, so said hey, I'm feeling triggered, can we stop.

And he said OK. And tried to change the subject. But I no longer really felt like talking to him and so was quiet. No anger, no yelling. But he got defensive and upset and said he felt like he was in trouble. I said, what do you mean, in trouble? You aren't in trouble. He said, I always feel like I'm in trouble. I said, how do I even get you in trouble? That makes no sense to me. (Thinking, but did not say, you are not my child. I don't get you "in trouble.") I'm not angry. (I wasn't.) I'm just sad.

He said, it isn't fair for you to get so upset out of the blue about something I said. You're the one that brought up the topic in the first place. (I had, kind of.) I said, I'm not upset about something you just said. I'm upset that you had an affair and f-ed someone else. I think that is normal, for me to be upset about that. It would be weird if I didn't feel that way. He was quiet for awhile, then went and put on his wedding ring (it was off from surfing in the morning) and came and said to me he wasn't happy with how this afternoon had gone. I didn't have any response. He wasn't apologizing, that's for sure. I think he just doesn't know how to handle any of this.

Anyway. I've felt triggered the last couple of days. I had a FB memory pop up from three years ago, where I was sharing that H was on a volunteer mission in Texas repairing houses after the floods and proud of him and encouraging people to donate to the group that he was with. That was where he met AP. Three years. (They didn't start the A right away, but flirting etc. for sure... I snooped a long time ago on his cell phone from back then and found their text exchanges in the weeks after.)

Part of me feels like the discomfort is a good thing for him-- and yet it feels really pathetic that even that little discomfort of making him think about the A gets blamed on me. Seems like there is a LOT that gets stirred up pretty easily, just at the surface, and he clearly does not like feeling those feelings. It was funny that he characterized me as being "so upset" and implying that I ruined the day by getting so upset, when all I did was go quiet. Projecting, much?

But, not my work... I have enough on my plate, since I also dislike the feelings of rejection and anger and grief that surface in these moments, and need to process them and find a way to get past them, eventually.

In terms of physical intimacy, we agreed not to have sex during the conversation about what this R attempt would look like. I don't really want to until I feel he is over AP. He said to me back in June when they were back in contact that he felt uncomfortable with sex and I decided that just don't want any part of that, right now. I don't think it will be good for my own feelings and identity around sex. That being said, we have, here and there, mostly after an evening of cocktails and conversation. I never initiate and I won't, not for now, but if I feel interested I'll engage if he initiates. So I don't really think there is any opportunity to address the SSM in any meaningful way between the two of us anyway in terms of actions.

One last thought about the dishonesty... I think he really, really believes that he is no longer dishonest and therefore that issue is in the past for him. It is like the dishonesty is no longer affecting him, therefore it no longer exists. (Same, to a certain degree, about the A itself... since he is no longer engaging in an A, he feels somehow righteous now that he's decided to do the right thing.) Zero awareness or consideration for the long tail of consequence in terms of how those past behaviors may still affect me today. Still, clearly, stuck in his own head.

But, I've decided I'm not going to worry about whether or not he is trustworthy. No need until he is over AP and remorseful and ready to start piecing, if he ever is. If and when we get there, I'll worry about that.

[AlisonUK]

Boundaries, definitely. Not only to protect me from his poor behaviour, and give him the respect as an adult to deal with his own emotions and issues and wants and needs - whether or not that felt like abandonment at the time - but it also helped me refocus my mind on what I wanted and needed in any given moment, and how I could give that to myself. It stopped me controlling and manipulating others to get my needs met, and helped me concentrate on my own needs.

All of this is essential in sex too, of course. So I think it is an indirect way of also working on the SSM. And nobody wants to have sex with a nag or a whiner or a control freak, so I do think good clear and consistently applied boundaries also makes a person more attractive.

In the moments where you are triggered, do you know what you want from your H, May? (This is some boundaries work - figuring out what you need, and how to give it to yourself or ask someone else for it, without demanding). Do you know what would help in those moments? Have you told your H what you would like from him, and are you gracious if from time to time he can't give it?

I don't have those moments any more, but when I did, my H would often experience them as me turning away and judging him or criticising him out of the blue. He was afraid that was going to be the rest of his life - me bringing up the worst thing he ever did and making him feel terrible for it whenever I felt like it. I don't think we really moved forwards and past that (and it doesn't happen any more) until I could self-soothe a bit more, and ask him for what I needed in the moment in non-blaming language, and he could respond without defending the infidelity or himself. I guess if your H experiences you being triggered as you 'turning away' that 'turning away' could also trigger him (do you see what I mean? He might be doing something entirely different - and I do think as well as all of this he's an emotionally immature entitled so and so, but you've got to work with what you've got and this man is who you choose today). I think if you consider he might be extraordinarily sensitive to signs of you 'turning away' and likely to misinterpret any quietness or distress from you as a turning-away, then maybe explaining to him what is going on with you and what you want in that moment might help.

[wooba]

He said, it isn't fair for you to get so upset out of the blue about something I said. You're the one that brought up the topic in the first place. (I had, kind of.) I said, I'm not upset about something you just said. I'm upset that you had an affair and f-ed someone else. I think that is normal, for me to be upset about that. It would be weird if I didn't feel that way. He was quiet for awhile, then went and put on his wedding ring (it was off from surfing in the morning) and came and said to me he wasn't happy with how this afternoon had gone. I didn't have any response. He wasn't apologizing, that's for sure. I think he just doesn't know how to handle any of this.

I think your H needs some lessons on validating your feelings!! I think your thinking around this whole incident is great. You can see through the bs and identify what he still needs work on. I can see that it is a long road ahead for him (and you)....like you said, he needs to be okay with that discomfort. he fked up. How will he ever learn how to handle the discomfort if he keeps pouting every time it gets uncomfortable for him?

Anyways, you sound like your mind is in a good place. I'm happy for you.

[may22]

Hi Alison, Wooba. Thank you.

This is all just hard. I have some days where I still feel, over a year after BD, like screaming into the air about how unfair this all is. That I didn't do anything to deserve being betrayed and lied to and cheated on. When the path ahead is just so rocky and the destination so unclear. That I'll be dealing with the emotional fallout of this abuse for years, maybe my whole life, no matter what happens between the two of us. That his "progress" is so glacially slow it can't even be measured. And that he lied for so long and about so much that who knows when and if I'll ever be able to truly trust him again. UGH.

And then I can, usually, dial myself back out to the 30,000 foot level. That I'm OK being where I am today. That (aside from my lame H) I have an enormous amount of things in my life to be grateful for. That there is nothing I can do about my H's state of mind today or tomorrow or a year from now-- all I can do is focus on me, accept that we are where we are, and continue to build and rely on my own mechanisms for healing and growth. Someone a long time ago said they think of the Frozen 2 song "Do the Next Right Thing" and I do think of this song, sometimes (I saw a documentary about the making of the film, and Kristen Bell talks about her struggles with depression and how much this song meant to her when it was hard to get out of bed in the morning and all she could do was think of the next thing to do-- get out of bed, wake up the children, just focusing on that next right thing to get her through the hard parts) and that helps.

Alison, I've been pondering your question:

In the moments where you are triggered, do you know what you want from your H, May? (This is some boundaries work - figuring out what you need, and how to give it to yourself or ask someone else for it, without demanding). Do you know what would help in those moments? Have you told your H what you would like from him, and are you gracious if from time to time he can't give it?

I do know what I want. I WANT him to fall at my feet and take full responsibility for his terrible actions, and apologize, and tell me he never thinks about AP anymore and wants to prove his love to me over and over and what can he do to make this better? That, obviously, is not going to happen.

So what else do I want? Honestly, even just the tiniest signals that he (a) gets it and is truly sorry and (b) cares about me and how I feel, not just about how bad I make him feel when I remind him of what has happened.

I have said this to him. Maybe not in a way he can hear. I also recognize that I actually get a little bit of this in these moments, often, but it isn't enough for me and I keep pushing or withdrawing until it disintegrates. This happened this weekend, for instance-- we had a surprise staycation overnight at a hotel with the kids, which triggered me for a couple of reasons-- H had surprised me with the same hotel for my birthday 15 years ago, and it was so romantic and fun and nothing he would do anymore with me (but feels reminiscent of all the hotel stays he had with his AP over the past couple of years)-- plus, for our anniversary last year, when I knew things were off but nothing about AP, I'd come up with a few ideas for what we could do (we had built-in child care that night). One of the suggestions I had was going to the restaurant of this same hotel. He said at the time he didn't want to do anything like that and we ended up just grabbing sushi. And now re-looking at that anniversary from the lens of the A... it just all feels so scuzzy and gross, and I'm embarrassed that I spent so much time thinking about what to do on our anniversary when his brain was obviously in a totally different place.

Anyway. We were sitting out at the hotel, kids were playing, he brought me a beer and said, put down your phone. Let's talk. So we did, but my head was just stuck in all this sadness about the past. I shared with him how I felt. He apologized, said he was truly sorry that I felt like this and that he was responsible.

But I couldn't let it go, reviewed the reasons, he didn't remember the anniversary conversation at all (so weird, his memory is totally shot for the last three years) and I kept it up until he brought up the SSM and that I'd been the one to turn away from him first.

Ha. Reading this makes it so clear that I'm just touching the hot stove again. And that maybe if I'd been out of my own head and been able to appreciate what he was able to give in that moment... that he was the one asking to connect in the first place, that he apologized and didn't blame me or anyone else... that might have been a better play on my end than picking away until he finally got defensive.

But, I didn't yell or get upset. I let out a few more truth darts-- he said he didn't feel like I was going to change, that I just wanted to go back to how it was before. I said, I don't want that and I'm not going back. But I'm changing for me and I don't really care if you see it or realize it or not, right now. I don't see any reason to discuss the SSM with you until you've burnt AP out of your heart forever. Then, we can talk. But I'm not trying to prove anything to you.

He said, what if I never get over her completely?

I said, then there isn't really a point to any of this, is there?

He said, every time we have these talks I feel like you just want to get divorced from me. I didn't really respond.

He said he thought his (our) IC has been rooting for us to D all along. IDK if that is true or not-- she is basically a master validator so I think it is more reflective of what he says to her. I said, if that is true, we both should stop seeing her. It is crazy for us to try to stay married and have a therapist who thinks that is a bad idea. We should talk to her about this. He was quite taken aback by this.

He has also been talking about a new car. I told him, I'm not comfortable talking about spending that kind of money right now. I've drafted the post-nup and we need to go over it. Maybe we can just split up all our money now and then you can spend your half on whatever you want. He didn't like that, he wants it to be something we decide together and feels like splitting our money now is just priming us for D. I said then drop the talk about the new car. But we are still signing this post-nup. He said, OK. (now I need to get up the courage to actually sit down one night and review it with him. He isn't going to like it and it is hard to get up the energy to do this in the evenings when the kids finally go down and all I want to do is collapse with a glass of wine and the TV or a book.)

We got home Sunday and actually he's gone out of his way since then to be especially nice. He hugged me and asked me to sit cuddled next to him on the couch. He held my hand. He made me a drink and rubbed my back and did all the dishes. Yesterday morning he stopped at Starbucks on his way home to get me a latte. He texted "love you" at the end of a text to me this morning--- THAT has not happened for... years? IDK. (And I finally planted the baby cucumber plants he got me last week.)

I keep thinking of Wayfarer and how she'd get thrown off when her H leaned in, and I didn't get that. Now I do. I'm wondering if he's feeling guilty about something, what has possibly changed. He had told me a couple months ago when we embarked on this R round that he was going to act lovingly towards me and show me loving behaviors that he hadn't for years... and then that never happened, until now. Anyway, it feels odd. I want to lean in but am not really able to.

Alison, i hear what you're saying as him experiencing me as turning away in these moments. I think you are probably right. That being said, I don't feel I'm in a place quite yet to care... I feel like I need to get myself first to a place of being a bit more stable and with more developed self-soothing mechanisms before I can deal with H being triggered in return by my not kissing his @ss all day long (which is kind of what it feels like right now). I think I will get there... I just want to do it at my pace, not his, and to be very careful not to do his emotional work for him. I feel like sitting in the discomfort of his own making is not a bad thing for him.

Though the more I think about it... if I am no longer "turning away" in these moments, and he no longer has the excuse of then blaming his bad feelings on me, he'll need to face them himself? (Or find something else to blame ;)) So maybe it would be helpful for his own growth and healing as well for me to think about a 180 here... I guess when you're in these situations and kind of stuck, probably any major shift in the well-worn grooves of how you interact with each other can be a good thing.

Wooba, he is a terrible validator. I think his brain is just flooded with his own $hit right now and he has no capacity to push it aside. My instinct is to let him deal with it all himself though thinking (as above) of how my own behaviors are impacting him. I feel like I have enough on my plate right now in terms of my own emotional well-being and am really trying to keep his stuff off of my plate.

[AlisonUK]

This reminds me of the loop that H and me were in.

I'd keep acting out anger and distress until I got empathy, and he kept acting out defensiveness and lashing out until he felt safety. I didn't have 'safety' to give him ('you won't have to see how angry and hurt I am') and he didn't have empathy to give me ('you must be so scared and upset because of how terribly I've behaved').

I think it was probably more extreme (I don't hear you say your H is behaving the way mine did, at his worst) but the energy in what is happening feels the same.

And you can't give him safety from your anger and hurt without being inauthentic which destroys closeness, and he can't feel safe from your hurt and distress and anger unless he's withdrawn or dishonest or defensive or blaming, which destroys closeness.

The single only thing that helped us when we were in the very worst of this loop was separation. He was safe from my feelings. I got the care and empathy and healing I needed elsewhere. I had to accept that no matter the rights and wrongs of it, the 'shoulds' of what I might reasonably expect from a husband who had hurt me, he just was not able to offer what I needed. And he needed to accept that for the time being, he had hurt me and angered me so much by his actions that being around me was not an option for him. It was messy and one of the most extremely painful things I've ever been for but it was the only thing to do. Then when we were both less raw, slow repair work could start (and it is so slow, and still punctuated by withdrawal on his part and anxiety and distress and anger about that on mine).

Is there a way of you offering your H a bit of what he needs, even intermittently, and you also being able to get a bit of what you need from someone or something other than your husband? Would that make the loop you are in a bit less intense?

[IronWill]

Hi may -

Wow is your sit different from mine. So much communicating and so many interactions. You're really strong for being able to put up with H's behavior.

I struggled a lot with turning my brain off early in my situation. It would just. Not. Stop. It was like a problem solving machine that had been uber-hyped up. It was as if I thought that if i thought hard enough or long enough, eventually i would come to a solution.

Of course that did not work. I ended up not sleeping, not eating, and generally feeling the most miserable i had in my life.

I finally realized i had to stop.

So now when the spinning starts - i imagine a giant red STOP sign. Then, these are some of the phrases i repeat to myself:

"You have been over this a thousand times."
"You cannot use logic if someone is being illogical."
"How does this thinking help me? Am i feeling better now?"

Hang in there, may. You know the truth.

Stay true to you. Be the light in the darkness.

Take care

[KristinG]

Hey May. Sorry to hear it sounds like you're cycling a bit when you're feeling triggered. Good job staying silent and not letting the triggers cause emotional vomit. I agree with Allison, if you can figure out a way to create some distance and safety for you both either by finding something to help soothe yourself when you are triggered (instead of hoping and praying H will comfort you)? I relate so much. The depth of pain that washes over your gut when you're triggered is miserable. And to top it off, all you want is for H to wrap you up and tell you that he is sorry and loves you. It blows. IW has some great advice there with stopping the intrusive thoughts. I find it also helps to think of the worst case situation and realize that you will still be OK if that happens. The feelings overwhelming you in that moment won't matter when you're through this.

I noticed you said that you and H talked and have put sex on the back burner for now. I think that is completely healthy and fine, but a word of caution here. WW and I did the same thing at one point. She said that she felt like she just wanted to focus on us and rebuilding and worry about that part later. Then, in less than a month, she resumed PA with AP. Now, I say this not because I think that H is going to fly cross country and meet up with AP. But, looking back at my sitch, I think that WW wanted to resume things and subconsciously this gave her some peace of mind and lessened the guilt. I wonder if your H is wavering in his strength of remaining NC and that he might be subconsciously using the fact that you both have decided not to have sex to justify (possibly) reaching back out.

I really hope this is not the case and that I'm just reading into it. That's one thing interesting about this forum. Every sitch is different and we all have different viewpoints based on our own experience.

Big hugs May. Have a Happy Halloween with the girls!

Kristin