Midlife wife crisis 16

[sandi2]

She did all the cooking up until she found out she was pregnant and then said she needed to be pregnant. But before that she cooked my kids favorite foods all the time. I mean my son loves shrimp, she would constantly buy it and make it for him. When my daughter was coming she would make she sure she had her favorite drinks. One day my d said, “I’m in the mood for a milkshake.” At the time we didn’t have any ice cream. So my GF ran out and got ice cream and chocolate syrup for her. This whole pregnancy thing has got her crazy. Is it the hormones? Is is this really who she is coming out now?

I can't begin to count how many women I've seen IRL appear like an angel, all sweetness & sunshine, a man's dream of a wife. Then once she gets that ring on her finger, the real woman starts showing. I think most people want their best side to shine to their potential spouse/lover. This behavior you are seeing now, is not due to pregnancy hormones! She has been very clear about why she is not doing her share of housework & cooking. Every day she will make things for you a bit harder. As I said last time, you can expect her to cut the sex off any day now. This is the behavior of a selfish, immature girl, not a woman in love with you, who wants to make a home with you and be a loving step-mom to your children. It was all an act, Wolf.

Forgive me everyone, I know a lot of you are going to jump down my throats but I want a family again.

Well, I'm sorry you feel like we are jumping down your throat. We can see more objectively, b/c we aren't emotionally involved in your drama. You want the family that was taken away from you.....and if you can't have that one, you'll get another one. In theory, that might be fine, but IMHO, you have not gone through the healing/mourning process from your divorce. I think your relationship with your GF was like applying a soothing salve, but it wasn't strong enough to heal your wounds. I remember how afraid you were at the thought of living alone. When you were writing about your loss, it was the family life you wanted. I didn't remember hearing how deeply you loved your W, or how you couldn't live without her. It was always the family unit that held your heart. There's nothing wrong with wanting a family. Getting married to a woman who is already waving red flags before the wedding? That could be a major problem.

My biggest concern is your state of confusion. It causes you to be very vulnerable to her wearing you down. I think it is unhealthy for your GF to live with you right now. You need space to figure out your own feelings and what you want going forward. She's not alone. She has family.

In the last 2 years I have worked on my self a lot. And feel like I have changed a lot. For example, not holding a grudge, being a lot more patient with my children, maybe at times too much. I have really worked on validating a lot. So, I guess I would hope she would too. 😞

Interesting. Why would you hope your GF would work on herself? Were there conversations about areas she needed to improve? Maybe you just assumed?

I know I did this and there is no one else to blame but it scares me to know I will have 2 baby mamas. I felt like I had a chance to start over with her, but like a lot of you have said, too many red flags!!!

Okay, you did this. It was a big risk and it has come back to bite you. So, do you have to enter into another MR? Are you seeing her as your last chance at love & happiness? I think the age difference is going to be more of a problem after you marry her. It was fine to have sex with a young, attractive girl, without the drama of a W & kids.......but when you enter into a long term relationship, making a home and raising children together,..........that age gap can be a big problem. How does she fit in with your group of friends? How do you fit in with hers? Are her friends around her age, and do you feel like the oldest guy there? What physical activities do both like to do together, outside the house? Have you ever taken her on a trip? You don't have to answer me, it's just for you to think about.

And to be completely honest some of her behaviors are definitely immature, I would have done the same things at her age.

Like I said, it's going to show up a lot more, if you stay together. You don't want to feel as if you are raising another daughter.......but with her level of immaturity, that's a big possibility. As with any M, there is plenty to consider, but I think this difference in your ages, bring problems that you might not have with someone closer to your age. Fifteen yrs doesn't sound terrible on paper, but you have to examine where the two of you are in life. She's just getting started, and she may want a couple more kids.

I'm just trying to get you to think logically. Whatever you decide, you can still come here and talk with us. Who else is going to call you out?

[Wolfman]

Well here’s what I would do. There’s absolutely zero chance I would marry this girl right now. I would have a talk with her and let her know that things aren’t working and you need to make some changes together and outline what all those changes look like. If she brings up marriage tell her you are not ready right now. If she try’s to blackmail you then you give her a timeline to find her own place. You speak to a lawyer about custody arrangements and monetary support.

So I spoke with her last night about exactly what I want and expect. She brought up marriage and I said look I am not ready. We need to build a foundation first. She said she feels like I am stringing her along. I explained to her I am not and don’t want to ever get divorced again, so in order for me to get married we need that solid foundation. She mentioned that she didn’t know if she could wait. So I said I understand that you may want this now but we are not ready. I also said having a baby is not a reason to get married. Our therapist said that too yesterday too. So she said she can’t live like this. I said that is fine. Then we break up. She said ok, that she would need to the middle of January. I said absolutely not. You have until December 15. This way she had a month to find a place and save some money (she has a job now). I think she was completely shocked with that. So she asked if I was going to make her pay rent. I said no. But the. She started to talk about the relationship and how important it is for the child to have both parents at the same time. So, then she started to back track about working things out. She expressed her biggest concern is that at any time I could pick up and leave. Since I recently did that too her. I explained that’s why we work on the relationship and that I can’t make any promises about engagement or marriage. It was like she wanted me to say, I’m just making this up fight now, something like we will get engaged at the end of December. She wants to feel like we are working towards something. I explained we are but we can’t put a date because that is pressure. As I write this, maybe I should have said if things are not better by a certain date we go our separate ways.
One thing I see which is weird. I see how she wants this so bad, for whatever reason. It’s exactly how I felt when my ex was divorcing me. It’s a cr&ppy way to feel. So i understand that feeling t hat you have no control and the other has all the control. But I have to control this situation. She also said something to me I said to my ex when we were getting divorced. I told her we had 17 amazing years together, you want to end the marriage over the last 2 which were only a little rocky? My GF said something along those lines to me. We had a great 14 months and the last 2 is what you are going by. Obviously, I know having 17 years togther is a whole different story than 1. But it just made me think. It’s weird I feel like the WH in this situation. She is begging and pleading for me to stay over some over her bad behaviors, exactly what happened when I was getting divorced. Weird

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted:
AS I see your order of what is to come. I am going to stick to my guns on her having to make that commitment again.
R2C I like number 2. I will set boundaries and consequences. I feel like in my marriage I was never given the opportunity to change or fix anything. I will give a shot at that. My time frame on this middle of December.

Just keep adding insult to injury. I have my son today. I noticed the GF was cooking something. So I went to her and said you cooking something g for dinner for yourself or all of us. She replied just for me. She said, “I don’t think that is my job anymore.” I said you use to do it all the time. She said unless things change she doesn’t think it’s her job now. Ridiculous. I am taking my son out to dinner instead.

The immaturity displayed by her here should have your running for the hills....baby or no baby.

I WILL REPEAT: Being the baby's father does not require you to be the mother's SO/H. So commit to that baby with all your heart, but do not commit to this woman or you'll end up here again in 2-5 years, almost guaranteed.

I hear you Steve. I guess it’s the nice guy in me. I felt like in my last situation I was never given a chance to “make it right”. I feel I should give her that chance.

Mr. B sorry you went through that. I am playing this real cautiously, now.

[sandi2]

She mentioned that she didn’t know if she could wait.

From what I'm seeing, it's not so much her pressuring to just get married. The real pressure is to get married immediately. If she loved you and really wanted to get M for the sake of the child........why wouldn't she be willing to cooperate with you about building a foundation? And, scratch the idea she's an old fashion gal who is embarrassed to be pregnant and not married. I think she had her sights on marriage for a while. She just had to play the part to win you over to the idea. Was shocked when her pregnancy news didn't swing the deal, so now she's adding more pressure.......like playing the guilt card.

I think the real issue can be found in her haste to get M. She can't wait? What's she going to do, find another man who will jump at marrying her? I think you are smart not to cave under her pressure.

[AnotherStander]

So I spoke with her last night about exactly what I want and expect. She brought up marriage and I said look I am not ready. We need to build a foundation first.

GOOD!

She said she feels like I am stringing her along. I explained to her I am not and don’t want to ever get divorced again, so in order for me to get married we need that solid foundation. She mentioned that she didn’t know if she could wait. So I said I understand that you may want this now but we are not ready. I also said having a baby is not a reason to get married. Our therapist said that too yesterday too. So she said she can’t live like this. I said that is fine. Then we break up. She said ok, that she would need to the middle of January. I said absolutely not. You have until December 15. This way she had a month to find a place and save some money (she has a job now). I think she was completely shocked with that.

That all sounds fine, try to remember to listen and validate but otherwise it sounds like you're doing well sticking to your guns.

She started to talk about the relationship and how important it is for the child to have both parents at the same time. So, then she started to back track about working things out.

Her blackmailing didn't work so she's changing tactics and trying to "nice" you again. Don't fall for it.

She expressed her biggest concern is that at any time I could pick up and leave. Since I recently did that too her. I explained that’s why we work on the relationship and that I can’t make any promises about engagement or marriage.

Yes exactly.

It was like she wanted me to say, I’m just making this up fight now, something like we will get engaged at the end of December. She wants to feel like we are working towards something. I explained we are but we can’t put a date because that is pressure. As I write this, maybe I should have said if things are not better by a certain date we go our separate ways.

She needs to move out, is that still the plan? It sounded like it was, but then it sounds like you may have backpedaled from there. I would stick to her moving out mid-December. As far as putting a date on breaking up for good, I don't think that's necessary. Give therapy a chance to work.

One thing I see which is weird. I see how she wants this so bad, for whatever reason.

Her incentive is having a home, food, clothing, etc. with no need to ever work again. I really don't think she wants -you- so much as your money and home and such. I could be wrong, but if I'm right then it's not "weird", it explains all her behavior.

I told her we had 17 amazing years together, you want to end the marriage over the last 2 which were only a little rocky? My GF said something along those lines to me. We had a great 14 months and the last 2 is what you are going by. Obviously, I know having 17 years togther is a whole different story than 1.

Yes, it is completely different. Someone can put on a show for a year if they think they're going to get what they want. They can pretend to be the perfect little wifey for that long. But like Sandi said, now her true colors are starting to show.

AS I see your order of what is to come. I am going to stick to my guns on her having to make that commitment again.

Good deal. And do make sure she moves out.

I hear you Steve. I guess it’s the nice guy in me. I felt like in my last situation I was never given a chance to “make it right”. I feel I should give her that chance.

What if you found out that this is all a scam she's running to weasel her way into your household for financial gain? What if you knew that once you married her, she would stop all work around the house, cut off the sex, sit on the couch with a bag of chips watching Oprah every day while never lifting a finger to do anything, and insist on you hiring a maid and a nanny while constantly yelling at you for not making enough money and insisting you find a better job? Because you wouldn't be the first this has happened to. So think long and hard about that. As I (and others) keep saying, you need the benefit of time and distance (separation) to determine her real motivations.

[Ready2Change]

What's she going to do, find another man who will jump at marrying her?

I worked with a guy who had paternity testing done and his oldest child was not his....looked a lot like his wifes X.

[sandi2]

Her incentive is having a home, food, clothing, etc. with no need to ever work again. I really don't think she wants -you- so much as your money and home and such. I could be wrong, but if I'm right then it's not "weird", it explains all her behavior.

Agree 100%.

[Wolfman]

Sandi you wrote this:
How does she fit in with your group of friends? How do you fit in with hers? Are her friends around her age, and do you feel like the oldest guy there? What physical activities do both like to do together, outside the house? Have you ever taken her on a trip? You don't have to answer me, it's just for you to think about.

I want to answer that she fits in very well with my fiends. They all like her. I fit in with her friends too. There has never been an issue or awkwardness with any of our friends. We both like going to the gym, playing sports, swimming, rock climbing. We have a lot in common as far as being active. She is a international flight attendant, before COVID hit she Would take me with her. She took me to Norway, Paris and we did Brazil as a couples trip. The first 2 she was working and took me along, pulled me up to first class stayed in her hotel so it cost us nothing. In August I surprised her with a trip to Cancun. Had a great time.

Update our sex life has picked up, she is back to doing all the things she was before. Just really getting along. Been really busy with work so I haven’t been on a lot. I’ll keep you all updated.

[SteveLW]

Update our sex life has picked up, she is back to doing all the things she was before. Just really getting along. Been really busy with work so I haven’t been on a lot. I’ll keep you all updated.

Funny how that happens when a woman wants a man to marry her...................

[MrBrside]

Update our sex life has picked up, she is back to doing all the things she was before. Just really getting along. Been really busy with work so I haven’t been on a lot. I’ll keep you all updated.

You are still doing it WM.. You are flitting between 1 mindset 1 day / week then another a few days later.

You have seen her true colours. This week all is good and you are playing happy families - she has an agenda - its only a matter of time before she gets *&() at you..Then it goes full circle... Another 6 to 12 pages of the latest drama..

[Traveler]

Hi Wolfman,

As I understand it, you wonder whether the good months or bad months are more representative of who she is. The bad months sounded terrible. Delaying engagement (1yr?) and marriage (2-4yrs?) seems best for you. In time you'll learn who she is. At the same time, she wants to feel this relationship is building and going somewhere. I worry you will feel pressure and fold after only a couple of months of "good wife", you marry her, and she goes back to "bad wife". Consider what steps you could take between now and engagement to deepen the relationship to relieve pressure. I guess that's complicated by the fact you already live together, know each other's families and friends, are having a baby, etc.--but there must be some steps.