Boundaries keep your self-worth intact allowing for choices to be made by each individual within the relationship.
Ultimatums are about forcing things to be your way or the highway while trying to seek power over someone.
So in this case it's how you present it.
I can't be married to someone without sex and intimacy.
You need to have sex and intimacy with me or I'm divorcing you.
Got it. Thanks for the clarification.
Woke up this morning to a text from her:
"I know this is random but im listening to the queer as folk soundtrack, there is one giant playlist for it on Spotify, and I think you would really like a lot of the songs"
Nice of her to think of me and reach out. Means nothing. Didn't respond, went out to go play tennis instead.
So all in all, I've been well -- my new business is close to launching, and I'm very exciting about what our product looks like. In addition, my illiquid holdings have matured to a place that when liquidation happens, I'll likely be set financially. I've managed to avoid getting sick, as my family has as well, knock wood. Brooklyn is really quiet now -- which makes me wonder why exactly I'm paying NYC prices! -- but my place is comfortable and all in all, really can't complain overall.
I also ended up meeting someone, who I've been dating for about three months. She's wonderful, and while I see a lot of similarities between her and my ex, there's more than enough differences to not make it much more than a faint yellow light. I'm taking it very slow, and have gone out of my way to explain to her about NGS, and my tendency to enmesh very quickly. She's been understanding and so far, so good. I have zero expectations about where it goes, but it's been objectively very nice.
As far as WAW, a few things have happened but not much. The most notable event was that one of the cats that we fostered and raised together got sick, and ended up having to be put down due to rapidly advancing cancer. It was extremely sad, but in the safety in this forum, in a way I had already said goodbye when she left and took them with her so it didn't hit me as hard. She was devastated and reached out to me a few times to see if I wanted to go with her to the vet, as well as generally keeping me aware of how the cat was doing. I did end up going a few times, but it was very much all business, just like a child would be for those of you who have children. Other than that, a few texts back and forth, but nothing notable.
One thing I notice during the last time I was with her and the cat, is that she definitely does not seem happy. She's got a job that she likes, but everything about her life and the way she was describing it just gave me a lot of vibes that she thought things were going to be different and better in her life after us. As I said a few times to my therapist, I certainly think that my NGS and communication issues played a large part in our split, but I also think that I was unfairly scapegoated for a lot of issues she was having with herself and her life, and that she perhaps is now realizing that I wasn't the problem after all.
About six months ago, my lawyer advised me that I should file for divorce but not serve, in order to stop the accrual of assets as of that date. A few days back, she advised me again that it's been six months, and that we would have to either withdraw the motion, re-file (and thus reset the date), or serve WAW with papers. I really, really grappled with it -- I know the common maxim is that you'll know the right time when you know, and there will be peace with the decision.
I don't feel that way, but I decided to serve. At the end of the day I just don't see any chance of reconciliation, and she's certainly made no effort towards that. Everything about the S has been on her timeline, and it's been incredibly unfair. So, ultimately, I'm deciding/I've decided that I need to move my life forward, even if I'm ambivalent.
I do have a question for the group though: she is currently in Virginia, as she went down to stay with her family ahead of any lockdowns. There's a part of me that feels like I should call her and tell her that it's coming, such that she's not blindsided by it in front of family. This second it feels like the "right" thing to do; I don't have anger towards her, just sadness that this is where we're at. But I'm also somewhat sure this group will tell me that I'm being dumb and being much more considerate of her feelings than she's been at any time in our separation.
I would only caveat that, if she knows it's coming, it's easy to avoid/deny service and that will have you spending more money and time. If you feel those are likely, I would NOT give her a heads-up. I didn't give my ex-wife a heads-up, although I took a day off work and talked to her seconds after she was served.
Thanks both for the replies -- I don't feel that's very likely.
I have a general plan for what I'm going to say when we do inevitably talk:
This is no longer working for me, I need to make decisions regarding my life and my life only Everything about the S has been on her timeline, and that is no longer acceptable for me
I do have a question for the group though: she is currently in Virginia, as she went down to stay with her family ahead of any lockdowns. There's a part of me that feels like I should call her and tell her that it's coming, such that she's not blindsided by it in front of family. This second it feels like the "right" thing to do; I don't have anger towards her, just sadness that this is where we're at. But I'm also somewhat sure this group will tell me that I'm being dumb and being much more considerate of her feelings than she's been at any time in our separation.
She's a big girl. Stop trying to rescue her. It isn't dumb, it is just unnecessary. Your mind will trick you into needing to "reach out" because "it is the right thing to do". That is your NGS flaring back up. If she gets stuck in VA due to lockdowns (which personally I would just ignore but that is a different topic), then that is on her. Not you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveS ~ What is your motivation in sending a heads-up text? I don't have a strong opinion either way, just know whatever you choose it's not going to feel great.
I can guarantee you whether you send her a heads-up or not, she's going to feel upset, hurt, angry, etc. It doesn't matter how much bread you use, it is still a sh*t sandwich after all.
