Three days into vacation with the kids, no contact with my spouse. The consistent low dose feeling of anxiety that comes and go is interesting. I know that will wane in time. It’s just interesting to feel this heartache consistently. 20 years is a long time to be with someone so i guess regardless of how much fun you’re having, when you know your relationship is over, it’s just going to be there for some time. I know it will eventually go away, a little more days by day, but I thought this week would be easier surrounded by family in a warm beautiful location. Off to go fishing with my son and dad.
Three days into vacation with the kids, no contact with my spouse. The consistent low dose feeling of anxiety that comes and go is interesting. I know that will wane in time. It’s just interesting to feel this heartache consistently. 20 years is a long time to be with someone so i guess regardless of how much fun you’re having, when you know your relationship is over, it’s just going to be there for some time. I know it will eventually go away, a little more days by day, but I thought this week would be easier surrounded by family in a warm beautiful location. Off to go fishing with my son and dad.
It only goes away when you make the conscious decision to drop the rope and let go. I sense you still haven't done that. I get the sense that somewhere, deep down inside, Scott is hoping that the no contact through this vacation will get her to change her mind.
Scott, she is moving out. You are more than likely getting a D. You need to just face those facts, and move on with life. Yes 20 years is a long time to be with someone. But you are so hyper-focused on the R ending that you aren't really letting it go. It is holding on despite saying you are letting it go. You cannot fix this. No matter what you do. All you can do is learn to be a healthy, happy Scott. And that starts by not letting her control your happiness when she is 100s of miles away.
You've got this. You will be better than just fine, you will be awesome!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH: I really had to think about that. I generally have not wanted her to feel bad feelings so I’ll listen and empathize. But I’m definitely more emotionally reactive when I feel as though I’m the cause.
Either way I’m three days of no contact. I won’t reach out to here while I’m on vacation, which ends Friday. At that point we will have to discuss kids logistics.
LH: I really had to think about that. I generally have not wanted her to feel bad feelings so I’ll listen and empathize. But I’m definitely more emotionally reactive when I feel as though I’m the cause.
Either way I’m three days of no contact. I won’t reach out to here while I’m on vacation, which ends Friday. At that point we will have to discuss kids logistics.
Logistics do not count against no contact. Just make sure to stick to business.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH: I really had to think about that. I generally have not wanted her to feel bad feelings so I’ll listen and empathize. But I’m definitely more emotionally reactive when I feel as though I’m the cause.
Either way I’m three days of no contact. I won’t reach out to here while I’m on vacation, which ends Friday. At that point we will have to discuss kids logistics.
The problem is Scotty is you are not responsible for her feelings and it is certainly not your job to make her feel better anymore. You two really need space from one another.
It’s one thing to know I’m not responsible for her feelings and a completely separate thing not to feel it. I believe The space will end and separation will clear that up.
It’s one thing to know I’m not responsible for her feelings and a completely separate thing not to feel it. I believe The space will end and separation will clear that up.
Space, time and separation can help Scott. But I have to caution you that if you do not put in the work you will still remain stuck. We had a poster here who literally was forbidden by law from reaching out to his separated spouse (TRO) except for matters of child custody. We watched him struggle for the better part of two years, despite all the time, space and separation. He wasn't even allowed to exchange their child with her, it had to be arranged through others. Yet because he did GAL so poorly, because he stopped working on his own self-improvements, and because he couldn't make progress on detachment, despite all of that 2 years later he was still hopelessly attached.
This is why I say IHS or physical separation, the magic is in the DB efforts. Those that struggle the most whether they see their spouse everyday, or whether they are physically separated, are the ones that do GAL, 180s and detachment the worst. This is why I hate to see people try to short-circuit it by dating before they are ready. I tell the story all the time of my ex-GF, and how I was hopelessly attached to her. I would date other girls, and as soon as my Rs with those other girls would end, guess who I missed? Not them, her! Because I hadn't properly dealt with the emotional baggage I was carrying from her.
Scott, you just spent the first 4 days of vacation counting the days of no contact and lamenting what you'll come home to. I implore you to start making plans for big GAL. Keep improving yourself and have a plan and goals to do so. And work on untangling your "feelings" from her words and actions. No space and separation can do that for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
