Now, I'm sure some feminists would not like how I've worded some of this, but I'm trying to get you to understand that you cannot allow your woman to wear the pants in the relationship. She may be the boss at work, but when it comes to your relationship........you are the leader, and if she refuses to cooperate, somebody has to have the final word, which should be the one in charge. You are the president and she's the vice president. I'm not saying you can't listen to her views and wishes, but when it comes to making decisions, the leader has the final say. She'll test you! But the minute you hand over your b@lls, she no longer values you as a man.
I guess the obvious modification for us feminists--who don't want unequal (president/vice-president) romantic relationships--is "You are the president OF YOURSELF. When it comes to making decisions ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS, the leader has the final say." Which still means don't accept being bossed around.
hoo boy! Thanks CW!
(And in the interest of sharing a different perspective... there is nothing more of a turn-off to me than a man who thinks they are the president and I should be the vice-president. I could never respect someone who thought that way (and by the way I do agree that respect and desire are connected). Whatever floats your boat but not all women have an innate need to be told what to do.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
LH: You’re right, I did put her on a pedestal. She was my purpose in life. I gave up poker, slowly withdrew from friends to “save the marriage”, dealt with her infidelity, and took all of her feedback to heart to change who I was. I did everything she asked and I lived in fear of disappointing her. Not a healthy way to live.
I always kept my word in our marriage, but I needed to take the ring off for me. This was about me finally standing up for me. You may read that differently, but that’s how I feel about it. I needed to begin to take control for me and do what I want.
Steve85: I took my ring off for the first time in our marriage one week ago. She has taken her rings off over the years as a way to punish and hurt me. I couldn’t wear it anymore because it was preventing me from moving on. Second, I am still afraid of her – that’s crazy. I’m afraid of when she brings up that I haven’t worn mine and I’ll have to own it. I obviously have work to do. I am co-dependent and have struggled with self-differentiation and detachment.
And when I say it cracked me up – I wasn’t laughing, I meant the irony of it all. After all I’ve been through, I still can’t detach. I still worry about her, and she still influences my decisions. And I completely agree that I’ve lost myself and it is sad. And I am looking at her being gone as a good thing. I need to rebuild myself and I need space to do it, even if it comes with pain. And I agree with LH that her moving out will help me finally detach. Its very hard still sleeping in the same bed, eating dinner together as a family every night, and being in the same space after the kids go to bed, etc.
LPlates: I took my ring off because it was a constant reminder of my commitment and my marriage. I couldn’t let go of anything with it on. I needed to begin to let go. She determined we would wear them till 11/27. I had wanted to take them off a week before and I agreed to something I shouldn’t have.
And LPlates, very perceptive – I do think I’m picking up the rope, I’m not sure I ever laid it down. I feel like I’m crazy. I feel resigned to what is happening and I waffle between acceptance and non-acceptance. And thanks for the encouraging words. I really appreciate it.
Sandi2: I don’t disagree at all with you on the NGS but what’s crazy is her perception that I make all the decisions, that she has no power and no decision making authority and that I don’t think about her at all. That is what really messes with my head and makes me second guess myself. It has also continually drawn me in to do more around the house, to pull away from my friends, etc. as I’m called selfish, a narcissist, controlling, etc.
And that first paragraph you wrote was dead on. I just couldn’t break out of that cycle because if I did less I would hear about it. And she said her love language was acts of service so I always felt the need to do more. It didn’t start in this place it was years and years of her beating on me that moved me to do more and more and give up more and more to “save” the relationship. I think I’ll learn from this on the next one. I think the key will be taking enough time to recover and find myself again.
Steve85: IHS never happened at my house. The only thing that happened was we didn’t have sex. There was some intimacy in several times she got naked and let me give her massages, and that was returned once, but no hanky panky during.
CW / May22: My wife believes I have a my way or the highway agenda. I grew up in a family where you spoke your opinion, it was honored, everyone spoke, and then you worked together for the best outcome. My wife grew up in a family where her voice was not honored. I really couldn’t understand that until this year. So I would speak my mind and she would stay silent and then resent the decisions I made. If I asked her for her opinion on anything, she would just defer to me and resent me for it.
All and all, I hope to grow and get stronger. I don’t want to get divorced, but I do want to become a better version of myself. I need to detach, I think the space will help with that. We will never go back to the old relationship, but maybe there is a new one in the future with her – or someone else. Time will tell.
As divorce busting goes, I think the theme is that this for me; if its for her I’m doing it wrong. And I think the space will allow me to focus on myself. Its scary but has a chance to be really good.
Like I 've said before Scotty, my W moving out was the worst day of my life, 3 months later I'm ok. Certainly the pain of that day is gone. I'm not advocating to for either, what I do want to tell you is that you'll be ok. And as I've been told by many people, and am starting to believe, is that life will be great again soon, whatever the outcome.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Well, today is the last day. I’ve been waiting for this day since she bought her house. I’m still sad though. I never thought I would be in this place. I accept it. I’ll move forward. But it hurts. The kids and I leave for a week to spend the holiday with my parents. I look forward to their love and comfort. When I get back half the stuff in the house will be gone. I know I’ll adjust, but today I’m sad.
Well, today is the last day. I’ve been waiting for this day since she bought her house. I’m still sad though. I never thought I would be in this place. I accept it. I’ll move forward. But it hurts. The kids and I leave for a week to spend the holiday with my parents. I look forward to their love and comfort. When I get back half the stuff in the house will be gone. I know I’ll adjust, but today I’m sad.
Scott, you have to brace yourself for the inevitable. Likely she has someone waiting in the wings. I remember when my W was wanting to get an apartment and move on, I consulted with an anti-D author and she told me that women didn't need their own place to work on the marriage or to find themselves. They needed their own place to sleep with other people. So you have to brace yourself. The appearance of an OP, either one that was there all along or a brand new one often sets LBSs back, especially those that have struggled to detach.
So just focus on you and your kids. You will get through this and be healthy and happy! But you have to work on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Struggled all day and then my wife was home and left to go someplace with the kids. A neighbor invited me over to a block party and saved me. Having a lot of fun. My wife came home and wanted to know where I was. Went home and made dinner about an hour after she was looking for me and then shocked her when i went back over after dinner. She seemed really surprised and less than thrilled. But it saved me and saved my night. I would have been bumming at home but now I’m having a great time. I’ll head home in a couple of hours, sleep, and then off to vacation. Small wins.
Struggled all day and then my wife was home and left to go someplace with the kids. A neighbor invited me over to a block party and saved me. Having a lot of fun. My wife came home and wanted to know where I was. Went home and made dinner about an hour after she was looking for me and then shocked her when i went back over after dinner. She seemed really surprised and less than thrilled. But it saved me and saved my night. I would have been bumming at home but now I’m having a great time. I’ll head home in a couple of hours, sleep, and then off to vacation. Small wins.
GAL is for real. When you do it well you'll be shocked at how much it helps.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Friday night, after dinner I went back over to the neighbors, my wife seem agitated by that. At 10p I took my daughter home with me and locked up the house. My mother in law, who has been instigating my divorce, sent a card of support to my son (but not my daughter) and he had no interest in it. Not sure I mentioned it but she is abusing their grandfather who has dementia and should be reported to someone.
I went upstairs to put the kids to bed and realized that i guess my wife had gone over to the same party i was at so i text her to let her know i had grabbed my daughter and gone home.
She came in and said goodnight to the kids and was ridiculously angry. I think she thought i had locked her out on purpose. I asked her what was wrong when we got in bed and she said “good night Scott” in an angry tone. I wanted to push for ore but let it go. And I kept telling myself “I’m not responsible for her feelings.” But admittedly it was hard.
The next morning the kids and i left for vacation. On the second day here. It’s going well, the kids are happy. I’m doing okay but surprised by how much I miss having her around. I figure it’s good to go no contact while we are gone and we’ll see how much healing I can do this week. But so far, I can feel that this is going to be a little harder to let go of in the weeks to come.
It is nice not to be walking on eggshells this week though.
Two small things. First, stop asking her what's wrong. Second, not only should you be no contact when you are on your trip, you should be no contact from here on out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve is right in both accounts. No contact should be your main focus (apart from being a father) the next few weeks. Also, no idea analyzing what made her angry. Could be anything really. Though great job not taking pushing for more!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
