LH - I’m not sure how many threads you started over the years but I did read through your first one and it did remind me of my situation. I would have been curious to read more.
I got back from vacation and dropped my kids off at their moms new house and came home to my house without the kids and walked in to see half of everything gone. I was able to keep my heart rate down and avoid a panic attack, but I could feel it. It made it all very real. My marriage is done and I know we are getting divorced.
I’m going to dinner with my cousin tomorrow night so that I have something to do. I’ll workout and I’ll try to rearrange some furniture so it doesn’t feel So empty.
I get the kids back on Monday, which is a blessing. And then I have them next weekend. I figure today was a tough day. I just have to work to make good decisions, one after the other, heal from this and move on.
Ok great you just surpassed one of the tough steps in the process. Try to put yourself focus on all the new changes you want to make to your house.
I only have one thread that I really don’t post on anymore. I am really only here to try to help people understand what’s really going on based on years of being here and research that I have done. For the WW is typically the pursuit of happiness and for the LBS it’s usually usually the loss of stability and control of their life. A life time of Disney and Hollywood movies make both sides think it’s about love but it’s not it’s just the human brain trying to keep us safe.
The brain makes up narratives to justify its case. The LBS will say “divorce destroys children” and the WW will say “kids are resilient”. Each side is going to hold onto their story until the end as each side fights for their position.
Scotty I know you mentioned the the quote I have in my signature and how powerful of a statement by Will Smith. It’s very true and you will see it. You will come to see that you will only want people in you lives who want to be there. I will never again try to convince someone to be in my life ever again.
So yesterday was tree decorating day in my house. This was the third one without my ExW. The first one was a little tough. The second one was better but a faint hint something was missing. Yesterday it was 100% normal and is our new tradition. Lots of laughter and memories being built. My daughter and I went out and bought some new stuff for the house.
You won’t feel this way forever Scotty B. You will think back and be proud that you did everything in your power to keep your family together. You will also start to see your W for the person she has become and my guess is that as you distance yourself you will realize she’s not the amazing person you married anymore.
I'm a bit bored today. I have plans at 6:30p that I'm looking forward to. Its a beautiful day out and I'm trying to go through work emails but I'm not getting any of them done.
I'm home alone and its real quiet. I'm reflecting on some of the things LH wrote. Specifically the idea that really this is all about having something going on that I can't control and that I'm dealing with that. I don't know, this is confusing.
I read through a lot of my notes from the past 10 years that I wrote and that she wrote. It makes me a little crazy but I feel like it also helps me process things.
The idea that I’m actually struggling with the loss of control - that’s my issue - as opposed to the idea that I love my wife, who I’m losing.
Regardless I had a great night out with my cousin. It was a great distraction. Hope tomorrow goes well, I get the kids back Monday. I’m also hoping it gets cold enough to start skiing, that would be awesome. All and all, considering this was my first full day at home alone, I’d rank it a success. Scale from one to ten, a solid 8.
We men are fixers. So when we see our W broken we get out the tool kit. But you can't fix her no matter how much you love her. That loss of control is difficult, but once you reach acceptance it gets a lot easier. Work on letting go completely. And remember, true love is wanting her to be happy even if it means being away from you. (I find most LBSs love the idea of being a couple more than really loving their spouse.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m glad you had a great night with your cousin. Again, I think you will find that everything is not as bad as you imagined it.
Steve is right that if you truly love someone you want them to be happy not matter what. True romantic love only works when it’s reciprocated. She’s not there right now. Doesn’t mean she won’t be there again someday. Nobody knows what the future holds Scotty B you just have to keep moving forward.
Heading out tonight to a steak house with a friend. Get the kids back tomorrow. CleAned our the kitchen of all the food I didn’t want, and the fridge. Went to the store and restocked. I dropped off Tupperware, a coat, and some other BS. I was just going to leave it on the porch but my daughter wanted to see me. Gave her a big hug and left.
Now I’m heading to the gym. Might clean up he lawn when I get home or work. The first time I got a stretch of five days without the kids is not until 12/9. That will be hard.
Hope you enjoyed dinner tonight - it's hard to beat a well cooked steak and a good bottle of red wine!
Although like you I never wanted to be in this position, I've also appreciated the freedom of clearing out the unwanted things around the house. It's nice making the place your own.
It's going to be tough to be without the kids for a prolonged period. My recommendation is to make a list of things to do around the house and make some plans with friends in advance, so you can stay busy and productive.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
