So her sister called me. She knows her best in the world. Interesting talk with her. Turns out the whole thing was exactly as I had thought. Her sister told me she calls her crying all the time that OM has done a few things to make her mad and she has considered leaving already but he cries and begs. OM says he loves her so much and WW says she loves him too but she will leave and doesn’t care if it works out or not. He also has given her all the power already. The sister doesn’t like him for her, the whole family doesn’t like him and they are all like wow, he is controlling her and she’s not even close to the same person. They said those two are 1000% different. This doesn’t seem like the exit affair this seems like a typical affair that required a divorce and one she thought she can just reverse like the others. I felt I should have told her that the entire time but she definitely knows it. Not a single family member thinks it will work out for her with him they are completely different and she’s doing things for him she never liked doing like staying at home, giving up her job, and cooking meals 3x a day for 3-5 kids. That is completely not her personality at all. He left his W cause she was gullible and not so smart and he likes my WW because she is. This dude doesn’t know it but he just threw a woman he could control and command in the garbage for one that is wild and doesn’t care. Who knows maybe they will work things out and be great for each other. But he has already got massive NGS and fear of losing her. Crying and begging her to stay after only a month? Living together? Yikes. She’s gonna destroy this guy too. If he gives her any reason or ever stands up for himself she’s gone. That really made me see that she really didn’t change at all. I was worried she would move on to some happy new life and already it’s not going as smooth as she thought. You guys are 100% right! I need to turn and run before she figures it out haha
You also need to not keep up these conversations about her with mutual friends, and certainly not Her family! Next time her family calls politely say you do not want to discuss her, and then turn the conversation to how great you are doing, and plans you have for you and your son.
The problem you have Steve is you are codependent and overly attached. And hearing all of this is not helping you with that at all. Plus her sister hearing how great you are doing and all the great plans you have as a dad will make it back to her, and that you had no desire to talk about her. That would show her you are moving on. Now she will hear about how you were so interested to hear about her and OM.
Until your focus is off of her you'll continue to struggle.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/27/2010:43 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sister isn't going to tell her, she wasn't supposed to tell me they are having issues. My WW wants me to think she is super happy and he is perfect for her and the kids are happy and everything is all great. The sister would be in deep trouble for telling me this, this was informational only.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Well, this information is completely irrelevant. Whether she is on cloud 9 or she is miserable. You are so focused on her. You’ve completely lost yourself in her. Everything about you is about her .
Sister isn't going to tell her, she wasn't supposed to tell me they are having issues. My WW wants me to think she is super happy and he is perfect for her and the kids are happy and everything is all great. The sister would be in deep trouble for telling me this, this was informational only.
You make excuses about everything. Amazes me. I'm sure HER sister is more loyal to you than her. Yeah okay.
Listen to Ginger, you're in so deep you can't n look at things objectively.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don’t mind the 2x4’s I would be solo flying it without them and doing a whole lot worse. I looked for this site and bought MWD’s books to save my marriage. I’ll be honest I still want to do that. I know what I have done wasn’t strong, wasn’t secure. But her sister did share with me that because I have been so good to her it’s making it really hard for her to do it. She expected me to rage, to cut her off to fight everything and I didn’t. I have broke some DB rules absolutely. But I do have some solice in the fact that I didn’t do anything so terribly wrong it destroyed my chances of recon. I do know that she was going to go this path regardless of what I did or said, she made so much quick investment into it to not try it out. I thought really long and hard about things today, what her sister said and so on and what you guys have been saying. I think it’s not time to be nice or to try anymore. She got plenty of that and her safety net is still there so she can continue on. I have to detach now, I have physically and now I’m working on emotionally. I know you guys are pros but it’s only been exactly 1 month since I found out about OM. And yesterday was the first holiday my kids were gone. It’s really hard to just change who I am and how I’m programmed to save this even if it’s bad for me. I know I frustrate a lot of you with the mistakes I made of trying to nice her back. But I will do better. I won’t contact her anymore unless it’s about the children. Between us things are distant but okay. She is not mean to me, told her sister she isn’t mad at me 1% and now it’s a great time to just back away. I didn’t see it before I thought I could do or say something to make this stop. That’s what I came here looking for. I came here for answers on how to not lose my wife forever. But I know it’s not in my hands anymore. All I can do now is smart contact and put it in god’s hands. I will do better and I’ll update when I’ve made it a week without any R talks. That’s my goal right now. To make it til next Wednesday without anything other than polite yes or no answers to her regarding the kids. Also another goal is to do some exercising this week. I’ll let you know how that goes.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I think it’s not time to be nice or to try anymore.
How many times have you said this already? You’re a broken record.
“I’m going to be tough. She contacted me. I played into her hands. Now I feel [censored]. I’m definitely done. I’m going to be tough, that’ll get her back!”
Rinse and repeat, round and round we go.
I give up on you Steve. Until you go and see a professional for some serious, high intensity counselling, you will keep doing what you’ve always done.
I will finally start IC Monday, the VA finally got back to me.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I will finally start IC Monday, the VA finally got back to me.
Steve this is really great news to hear! My suggestion is to not waste a second with your counselor regarding trying to your marriage. Instead get to the root cause on why you are obsessed with a woman who treats you so badly. Also, try to seek counseling for your children. They are going to need a stable adult to be able to share their feelings with as they go down this road.
I’m not go lie you have a long difficult road ahead of you. I hope you are up for it.
Let’s say that your W expresses deep remorse and realizes she made a mistake by cheating on you for the 5th time, and she decides to come back.
Do you TRULY believe that she will never cheat on you again? Could you enjoy your life with her wondering which one of your friends she will sleep with next?
I get this is Divorcebusting and the goal is to save marriages. But you don’t have a marriage, Steve. She was never yours. If she was, she wouldn’t have had an affair, or two, or three, or four, or five.
You can DB like a champ until the cows come home, but that woman will never change.
Yep, I had a friend who is a therapist come over and he really helped me understand things differently. I guess I needed to hear it from someone face to face.
Last night she called me face time to "talk to my son" turns out he bit the OM's kid who is much older than him for pushing him. She actually blamed me for not making him behave. She said if he kept it up she would take him to a doctor for his anger problems. He cried and said "I don't want to be here with my fake sister, I don't want her, I want to come home to you dad" she asked me to watch him more days so she could recover from surgery, I just said "No I cant I have to work and I have appointments, im sorry" (In the past I for sure would have called in, adjusted anything for her) Then I told her "I will talk to our son, try to teach him some healthier ways to deal with his anger, and I asked him to be nice to his mom and stop hitting her and being bad" But I was shocked. She is absolutely gone, our son was her pride and joy nothing would ever come between them. I realized my buddy was right, she is not even close to the person I thought she was. Turning her back on me is one thing because I made mistakes too sure, but our son too? That just turned my heart cold. She will throw everything away to maintain this with OM. There is nothing anyone can do or say to stop it.
My plan is to go to VA and discuss some methods to detach in healthy ways with the Dr, admit that I have a serious issue because of being abandoned as a child which is probably why im so attached. Im sure and that she is really manipulating me and come up with a good action plan to get free. There was so many times I thought I was done with her through this month since finding out about OM, things she said and did that was like "oh that's it" but nope I still let he effect me. But my son being an enemy now too, her saying "I know you want him to punish me and ruin my day" like just wow man. I feel like he is going to be dumped on me in the future. That's totally fine, ill take custody, child support and live my life if it comes down to that. I love my kids they are good kids no matter what she says. I never thought it would get this bad. I was very naïve.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/28/2004:18 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
