Based off this one statement, you still have lots of work to do on yourself. Do you understand why I say this?
Originally Posted by ScottB
R2C: is that because I care how she feels and it bothers me?
LH19 and steve85 gave you insight.
From my pov:
1) You are making an assumption about "why" she is agitated. 2) Even if your assumption is true, you seem to be taking it personal. 3) Your focus should be on your emotional state, not hers. 4) Her emotional state should not shift yours. It is OK to empathize and validate. 5) This is not an "I statement". I believe that part of the growth that should happen during this phase of your life is going from an external focus to an internal focus. (for example: I was angry. I was frustrated. I went golfing. I decided. I went to dinner alone. I enjoyed it. I bought new clothes. I didn't respond. I just listened. I ended the conversation first. I didn't let it bother me. )
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Scott, I mean your very presence agitates, aggravates and annoys her. This is the thing many LBS's struggle with, I know I sure did. That woman who loved you and was crazy about you and stared at you with googly eyes now can't even stand to be in the same room with you. That's your current reality. As long as she's in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, the resentment will grow and grow. Like most of us did, you may still be clinging to the notion that if you do the "right thing" then she will go back to normal and love you again. You might not say it out loud, but you are thinking it. We all did. There simply is no "right thing" now though. Anything you do is either "see this is why I can't be with him anymore, he always does stuff like this" or "why is he fixing this now, it's too late, can't he see that?" The very fact that you do 180's will just make her even more resentful. "Why didn't he do this when I wanted him to?" Being a LBS is a no-win situation. All you can do is start laying the groundwork for a new relationship with her in the future while appreciating and understanding that you have already lost her.
So today is thanksgiving. Do i continue with the no contact or do i at least reach out with a happy thanksgiving. She’s alone today as far as I know. I figure a happy thanksgiving text would be nice. Thoughts?
Well Scotty B it depends on what you are trying to accomplish. If you are looking for your shot of dopamine then I wouldn’t do it. If you think you saying Happy Thanksgiving is going change her mind then I wouldn’t do it. If you are that super detached guy who doesn’t care she may read it while being in bed with another the man then I would say go for it.
So today is thanksgiving. Do i continue with the no contact or do i at least reach out with a happy thanksgiving. She’s alone today as far as I know. I figure a happy thanksgiving text would be nice. Thoughts?
No where in the rules of no contact does it make exceptions for national holidays. She's not your W anymore since she fired you as her husband. Stop continuing to act as if she is.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/26/2003:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH - I get that my marriage is over. I was raised to do the right thing, forgive and move on. I was married to her for 14 years and dated for 6 before that. Seems like the right thing to do; not to get me something or anything like that but because it’s the right thing to do.
Just leaving a note from doctor glover. “Nice Guys Don't Finish Last, They Rot In Middle Management“
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Let me tell you a little story as I am home alone tonight on Thanksgiving. I like you once was desperately trying to keep my family together and that’s how I stumbled on to DB. I actually DB pretty well as to the point that my ex and I had sex up until she left. I was convinced she was just going through something and in time she would certainly realize what she had done to my kids, my family and myself. Now I will also admit that while married I wasn’t my bad self so I sympathized with her. So when we first D I would do kid’s birthday and Christmas together and even once went over to check her house when she thought someone was breaking because I thought it was the right thing to do and she would certainly see I was different. So about a year ago she calls me to tell me she’s seeing a guy that I know who is a friend of one of my friends. So now every get together has to be vetted through who is getting invited. Sometimes when I’m invited I’ll be asked how long I’m staying. So guess what? That makes me not want to spend time with those friends. Even though it’s really not their fault because they were thrown in the middle. So lastly to keep my house I had to get assistance from my dad which was found out by my sister and has the family in an uproar.
There’s more but this is getting to long anyways. Your journey is just beginning and you are going to have many ups and downs along the way and I am guessing that at some point after all the destruction to the many people involved. You saying Happy Thanksgiving to her will be the last thing you feel like doing.
