[Thornton]

I smiled and she came up to me and said wow.. you look Fing amazing. She’s never said that before. She asked me well... and twirled around and said how do I look? Ok waiting? I told her, I’ve said you look amazing so many times, you already know that.. she put her hands on my body and said damn, divorce is treating you well

I know we aren't supposed to diagnose anyone but this is clearly a lovebomb from a Cluster B. Pure manipulation.

[mtb1981]

You know what to do, Steve. So quit farting around and get to business. You did a tour in Iraq goddamn it. You can follow orders. You're not stupid. Man up and stop this nonsense. Stop torturing yourself and let her go. I'm sorry, but that woman is complete trash. You're nothing but a toy for her. Stop following her around waiting to be abused. Because that's what this is becoming. Emotional abuse. It's sick. So glad to hear you're in IC. Keep your head up, buddy. Ditch the witch and get back to enjoying life...

[sandi2]

Dropped the kids off to WW. At her moms she asked me to take them to her and om’s new place. I politely refused and told her I won’t go there.

Good job!

Remember, I mostly talk from the viewpoint of a WW, so if or when I say, "She needs".....I mean that's what has to happen in order for her to come to her senses so to speak, (Please don't make me regret saying that sentence). When I say, "She needs", I don't mean it's what she desires. Make sense? Okay, so let's work on this.

So moms it was, i got there she was waiting on me, She said “hey..pet name.. to me you can say hi”
I smiled and she came up to me and said wow.. you look Fing amazing. She’s never said that before. She asked me well... and twirled around and said how do I look? Ok waiting? I told her, I’ve said you look amazing so many times, you already know that.. she put her hands on my body and said damn, divorce is treating you well.. I fought it all most busted out hearing the divorce word.. She said oh no no don’t get upset. I forced a smile. Kinda shook it off. She put her hands on my body and felt me up without asking. Then She said come here to the garage. She showed me her boobs that she just got fixed. I just said “that’s really nice I’m sure someone is happy” she said “awww pet name, don’t say that” then she laughed that I called him a math teacher before and said “he isn’t ugly” He really does look like a substitute math teacher lol she is really beautiful way out of his league. I just laughed at that and said “he makes you look bad, you could do so much better” I walked away and she hugged me and I said “see you.” She said bye handsome.

I know the rules say to be upbeat, pleasant, etc. However, sooner or later there's usually a situation that requires a firm/serious response. You should have let her know in no uncertain terms that you aren't amused or flattered, and to get her hands off you. That's what she needs to get through her head. She can't switch into her wifey persona whenever she chooses. Her H's body is no longer available for her to touch. You need to get it through your head, too! WW was conducting herself very inappropriately. Did you even consider her flirtatious behavior as being out of line? Probably not, b/c you still think of her as your "wife". She had certain liberties as your W, but things change when D comes.......like running her hands over your body.

Here's another example of a LBH being caught off guard and not knowing what to do. Next time, immediately call a halt, and exit ASAP. She needs to understand she is no longer entitled to call you pet names, touch you intimately, or say/make sexual suggestions. The terms have changed. She can't do intimate things with you one minute and go sleep with OM later, b/c you don't play that way. Right? This woman wants a D and has chosen OM over her H, but she wants to conduct herself in this type manner of her soon to be XH? This was a situation that required just a bit of sternness, IMHO, enough to let her know that with the new life comes new terms. I don't mean it in a punitive sense, but rather show that you won't stick around while she plays these type games. You respect yourself more than this. Next time, wipe the smile off your face, turn around and leave. Who does she think she is? She has no right to touch you in that manner or take you off into another place to show her naked breasts, b/c she didn't want to be in a MR with you and dumped you for another guy. You still think of her as being your W, and it really clouds your thinking when she pulls these type of stunts. Try your best to see it from an objective viewpoint. Stop focusing on how much you love her and can't live without her, and focus on self-respect.

This is why I try to avoid her. I’m not strong enough yet. I know she doesn’t want me but why the hell does she do that?

She gets off on it. I've tried to tell you how a WW operates, but you aren't listening. Personally, I think both of you are toxin at this point. If I hadn't read other cases that gave a similar description of the WW........I would think your WW needs a therapist. I mean, you can expect ANYTHING from her.......if you don't figure out how to drop her. And, that's why we spend hours on the board, trying to help you figure it out.

I need to get to the point I just get stone wall solid. I’m ashamed of myself. A month and everything I did went down the drain. I’m just gonna straight up ignore her from now on maybe she will get pissed and stop playing games with me.

Okay, Mr. Nice Guy, would it bother you if she got pi$$ed? I think you'll have to work toward that goal. See, the period of time where the couple are actually going through a D is fragile. Maybe I should say, the LBH is fragile if he's still hoping she'll come back. Couples can be civilized when interacting with each other. They don't have to shift to BFF gear. Based on personal observation and the cases here, they don't take time & space away from each other before they start all this pretentious "best friends" cr@p, and it's not normal for the one who is dying from a broken heart. He's been demoted from H to friend. So, they need a cooling off period, where they make adjustments to their new lives.

She isn’t coming back. I’m just hurting myself like an idiot. I wish I could like go 90 days without her at all like to jail or back to Iraq or something and detox. It [censored] having to see the person that just up and walked away from your life without warning. Next time I’ll just keep my distance and smile from afar. What an idiot I was. Big test to see if she still has me, big fail on my part she does. Dammit I want to stick my head in the dirt. She isn’t coming back, why do I do this.

I would like to suggest you practice what the AA do. I've heard that they focus on getting through first day without drinking. When the next day comes......they focus getting through that day. Rather than biting off 90 days, why not make it a daily goal of "today". Just get through today. When you are tempted, struggling, etc........call someone, or come to the board to talk to get through it. Deal with your feelings.....as if it's an addiction. I think you have a mental health issue. Whatever it is, it's being camouflaged as "love". I'm not saying you don't love her, but I think you have a fear of something greater.

IDK how my posts may sound when you read them, but I am concerned for you, and all newcomers who are faced with these type of problems. Sometimes either or both spouses have additional circumstances/problems going on, and it sure doesn't help at a time like this. For example, some couples have a special needs child, or a high-pressured job, or physical problems. It all adds to the stress factor. ((hugs))

[Steve_]

Yeah one day at a time.

Today I said not a single word. The hospital even called me “the husband” regarding her hernia surgery coming up, they said the left her a message and asked me to call her. Yeah I’m not doing that. I’m not her secretary. I just told the lady oh yeah sure.

Putting my phone on airplane mode today for the rest of the day. Watching some Netflix. Moved all the way out of her moms and left the keys behind. Got 3 days of work coming will stay busy. Keep my mouth shut.

[SteveLW]

Moved all the way out of her moms and left the keys behind. Got 3 days of work coming will stay busy.

Yeay! Now tell me the truth...............does it feel great? The improvement in your self-esteem has to be off the charts!

Well done.

Just like an alcoholic.....take it one day at time. Nice job yesterday. Now focus on today.

(BTW, I was an alcoholic. One day at a time was tough at first....but then after a few months I didn't even have the urge to drink anymore! It has been nearly 27 years. One day you will look back and wonder why you were so addicted to this crazy woman.

[Steve_]

Tuesday was hard, it was depressing as hell. I left off tuesday with her on a very weak (for me) but positive note (for her). I posted something on facebook about wanting a time machine for Christmas so I could have done things differently. (no details about M or anything). Then I took it down a couple minutes later realizing it was stupid. Some sad cry to the ether that nobody actually cares about, I saw it was some some pity me crap and I deleted it. I never post anything. WW must have been stalking it because she text me and asked me why I took it down. I replied with "I don't want anyone to judge you, everyone feels sorry for me and thinks I was a perfect man, its not fair" She said "awww, its okay". I just said kiss our babies for me, goodnite.

Not a word since then on Tuesday night after that stupid interaction in person and that text. Nothing yesterday but doing my appointments, moving out of the moms, giving the keys back. Just being alone. I woke up today and it finally hit me, my wife is in love with another man, having sex with another man, she doesn't care anymore. The fake affection she did isnt love its feeling sorry for me, sympathy, pity, but she still lays in our bed with him. There is nothing left to say. I've been really good and understanding to her, there is nothing else to do but let time run its course. Anything I try delays the inevitable. That's what IC was trying to tell me, that's what you guys have tried to tell me. You cant nice a ww back. You cant do anything but validate, agree and dissapear from thier life as much as you can since that is what they wanted. Im not talking to her anymore not because its a game, or it might work or whatever, its because its what she wanted, and its the respectful thing to do for myself and my kids, im tired of being the weak chaser, I shouldn't be chasing someone who could do that to everyone she was supposed to love.

I hope she doesnt reach out today for anything. If its about kids ill say yes, no, whatever minimum. Other than that nothing. Just go home watch my netflix,take a walk try not to think. Let another day go by alone.

[LH19]

Steve,

Your Facebook post is manipulation. In all my life I have never seen another human being attached to another person. I certainly do not envy you or her. I’m not sure how this story is ever going to end. It’s painful to watch from an outside view. I don’t think any of us can help you.

[Traveler]

Steve,

Good morning! Well, note down these two unnecessary interactions (Facebook and text) for your next IC session, brush yourself off, and move on with get-a-life activities.

You cant nice a ww back. You cant do anything but validate, agree and dissapear from thier life as much as you can since that is what they wanted. Im not talking to her anymore not because its a game, or it might work or whatever, its because its what she wanted, and its the respectful thing to do for myself and my kids, im tired of being the weak chaser, I shouldn't be chasing someone who could do that to everyone she was supposed to love.

You wouldn’t be the first or the tenth to say when asked by your ex-wife why you cut contact, “It’s what you wanted!!” That sounds weak because it is weak. If that’s your motive, your life will change day by day based on her whims—like a marionette. You won’t get to live your own life and you’ll be anything but attractive to her. The second motive you stated is much stronger. You should be cutting off contact because it’s best for you and your kids. Scott’s ex put it well, paraphrased by LH as,” she doesn’t want to be around you because she doesn’t want you to play your Jedi mind tricks.. (Her words). This will change most likely in time when she feels safe to be around you.” Agreed, that on top of it all, she doesn’t sound like a good choice for a wife.

[Steve_]

I was not trying to be manipulative, I just put that post up in response to chritmas wishes from my sister. About 2 minutes after I typed it in I deleted it. Its unfortunate that stbxw saw it. I responded honestly, I really dont want the world at large feeling sorry for me or judging her, that wont help my cause and itll make me the bad guy pointing the finger at her. I realized it, deleted it, she saw it and texted me about why and I answerd honestly. I havent said anything since.

I realize the more I do the weaker I look, seem, and feel. I am starting to understand that just didn't delete the thing fast enough. It was an innocent mistake but definately a mistake. Im just glad I havent said anything since then and made it worse. Its been the longest NC for both of us so far during this whole thing. Neither of us have reached out. Typically she would have hit me up regarding the kids being bad or to ask for something else, nada. Im glad.

And I really dont plan on explaining to her why Ive cut contact, I dont think it needs an explaination.

[Thornton]

I feel for you, Steve.

You are in the thick of withdrawing from a toxic relationship. It's no surprise to me that you are suffering immensely.

First things first, why are you friends with your W on FB? She's not your friend, she's your abuser.

Second, I would abstain from all social media for the next few months. It was one of the best things I did in my situation and helped me keep my focus on me.

Third, get your ass in gym and workout like you are training for a prize fight. I promise it will help you.