Hey KitCat, I'm an introvert, too! Most people peg me as an extrovert--I lead a large organization, I give public speeches, and people often turn to me to close sales. The day I realized I was an introvert, a customer told me the ink was dry on a sale so and we have a lot in common, would I like to go out for a beer and chill? I liked them, but after 4hrs around other people, all I wanted was to go home and be alone. I need to be alone to recharge--the telltale sign of an introvert. Gatherings wear me out. There's nothing wrong with that. Bill Gates is, as you probably know, an introvert and successful by almost any measure.
Introvert and proud. Explain your needs. Don't apologize for them. Don't try to be what you're not. You are amazing in your own way and if you give it time someone will fall for who you are.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He says - you don't talk to me ===== this is my reason that I can use that sounds kinder than "I'm not that into you".
My current GF laughs that some characteristics I find cute on her I considered problems in others. A prime one is that sometimes she lounges in bed for an extra hour. I use that time to sleep, read, snuggle, or we get intimate. At least two past relationships destabilized when they wanted to stay in bed and I started my day without them. I couldn't see myself "wasting" an hour. Maybe, like the pilot, I wasn't that into them.
KC, sounds like he's the one not talking to you. You text, he doesn't reply. What am I missing here? Honestly it sounds like you're his booty call, probably one of many. When you text asking if something is wrong or whatever, he's very quick to deflect it to you and blame you for not being communicative. When you find the right person, the two of you will COMMUNICATE. You will talk TO EACH OTHER. You'll talk for hours and wonder where the time went. You'll share your thoughts about everything from aliens to the number of planets in the universe to life after death over a bottle of wine without even thinking about sex. You'll feel connected.
QUIT WASTING TIME WITH GUYS THAT JUST WANT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
Well..... turns out pilot does like me... he just doesn't know what to do with my "quiet"ness I suppose.
But, turns out its also all about SEX... oh well... at least its extremely HOT... I can live with that.
S19 is home so spending quality time with him.
Getting to know a few other people. I woke up today to Good Morning text messages from 4 different guys (NO, I'm not sleeping with them all --- I will only sleep with 1 guy at a time otherwise that's just gross). But, clearly at 51 I still got it!!!! And, one of these days my H will wake up and realize that and it will probably be too late.
Speaking of H.. he texted... true to form. The longest he can go without contact is 9days... AND, yup 9 days after he was in my office with the puppy he was texting with issue about puppy. I was like 'eh... whatever. I responded because it was about the puppy and only about the puppy. AND, went about my day not giving it a second thought.
^^^^ YUP that felt like a win in my book.
I get it - I'm still a hot mess. But, this hot mess is having loads of fun and hot XXX.
Hey KitCat, glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving weekend! Yes, someday your ex-H will probably break-up with his girlfriend and look back at you. Hopefully, by then, you won't want the cheater. C'est la vie!
Call me old fashioned...but if your goal is still to get back with your H and save the marriage, is this any better than what he’s doing?
I only ask because you still say one of these days he’ll wake up and it’ll probably be too late.
Also I’m glad you found your confidence. That’s always a good things. But you’ve been turning on the sex appeal towards your H the entire time. Part 1-25. I don’t think your looks is going to make him “wake up”. But seriously I don’t wanna diminish you finding your confidence. That’s awesome and I’m happy for you. I just wish it didn’t take 4 guys to help you find it. I wish you could have on your own.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I get it - I'm still a hot mess. But, this hot mess is having loads of fun and hot XXX.
I think its fair to say you want to get back with H, based on previous posts.
But your admit you are broken. In your own words above.. A mess..
Why would husband or any potential long term partner want a long term relationship with you ? -by your own admission - somebody who is "broken" or "a mess"
Your are putting a lot of effort and focus into sex and looking good, but are skipping a lot of the hard work on yourself - probably becuase its hard work.
Hyperthetical question.. You are dating and sooner or later you might meet a guy you really like.. He also likes you.. Oooh perfect long term relationship material etc..
The bad news is that you are setting yourself up to fail even before it goes anywhere, as once your issues bubble to the surface, the guy will run a mile. Rational and healthy minded guys dont want a relationship with a "Hot mess" long term.
Broken attractions broken..
If you want a healthy relationship with a healthy person, sort your own mental issues out first.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I've done lots of soul searching... journaling... I've even dug up issues from my past. Painful things that happened in college (physical abuse from a boyfriend/date rape from a supposed friend) - I left with my doctorate degree and left my closest college friend and the guy I was supposed to marry behind. I never looked back. I've revisited my parents divorce and my dad's subsequent 2 additional divorces. My terrible relationship with my mother that went on for years.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I did it for years. Was a single mom of a special needs child, worked 50hr a week to keep a roof over our heads but never missed the weekly 3hr of appts for my S. Took long lunches to spend more time with him during his waking hours and worked later when was sleeping. Bought my first and second house as a single woman. I know how to be alone. I'm about as strong and independent as they come.
I put myself in working out to get out those hard emotions - it paid off. I'm down 35lb. A sweet guy friend is continuing to push me to get me down to less than my college weight... LOL.
COVID has pushed me to its limit. Being an empty nester has pushed me to my limit. I need to get out. I spend my free time chatting with Alexa... I may break down and get a google home just to increase my circle of friends. All my active groups are now virtual Zoom parties which frankly get sooooo old after a bit.
I'm having fun.
I'm thinking about my H so little these days. I'm also thinking what could he possibly do that would make me even seriously consider fixing my M? There is ONE thing. Its not something I think he's remotely interested in so it will not ever happen. I'm letting my H go. Isn't that what everyone pushed me to do? He isn't coming back - its been 10mo and he has OW.
I'm focusing on me and what makes me happy. I'm not perfect.
I've a trip planned with S19 to see SS20 - who as of yesterday had a massive set back in his own life so I reached out and let him know that his dad, mother or grandparents would take a call from him at anytime... and I reminded him that while it may be an awkward time I'm still here for him. He can call/text anytime day or night and I will be there for him.
I'm not trying to justify my choices.
I listen to everyone who tells me how broken I am... so I listen and say ok - I will embrace the hot mess I am and love myself anyway. To me it feels like a normal part of the journey of finding myself. Who is KK??? I knew who I was in high school, college, after college, as a single mom, as a married woman... but who am I now??? Getting out there and getting a life I'm trying to find out who I really am at this point.
I've decided to consciously actively date - though in the year of COVID limited date like options. I like to be active so hiking is good but I also like to go to a winery for live music, comedy club, attempt at rock climbing, etc and those things are NOT happening.
My plans are nearly set for my trip to WA. My SS20 will be there - he is in a very dark place right now. I've gotten some cryptic messages from him. I'm just trying to listen and validate and not pry or push him. I will admit I'm very worried for his mental health. I could call my STBXH but I choose not too. When STBXH was in the office with the puppy over 2wk ago he made it sound like SS20 was having some issues but he failed to put in for his leave for XMAS which is why he wasn't coming home. My SS20 eluded that he has made some bad decisions/done the wrong things and its more like he is too humiliated to come home and face his family... maybe I know more than my H??? I tried to tell SS20 how proud I am of his growth and maturity over the last 3yr and how I respect him. Hopefully, we will have some good connection in a couple of weeks. My heart definitely hurts.
I'm still having load of fun/good times with the pilot though I'm 100% aware I've exchanged one set of problems for another. On the upside I don't think as much about my STBXH. H contacted me about 9days ago about an issue with the puppy - I kept my responses short and limited to puppy. I do not contact him for any reason.
The last time I was with the pilot there was a situation that definitely triggered me... I nearly shut down and walked out. I stayed and things smoothed over but it definitely brought up some of the painful issues with my H that I had really blocked out. I'm also aware that my drive is to be overly needy with this guy --- I've definitely got anxious attachment issues that I need to keep working on. He is very hot and cold in initiating contact. I will not be complaining about the sex though. He made some comment and I even replied "so this is just a booty call situation?". I wasn't angry or accusative... I was really looking for a definition of what "this" is... he said no but I suppose all guys say that in the situation as they don't want to upset the person. So things are just as clear as mud.
My STBXH still does not have an atty as far as I know. I dropped off ALL the paperwork with my atty mid-October and outside of 2 weeks later she confirmed in person she had my paperwork I've heard NOTHING. Its been 3 weeks since STBXH asked about the atty and stuff. I've actually vocalized out loud to a friend that after the holidays I would move the Legal S to file for D... not sure if that is the right decision but I have a few weeks to let that sit for a bit.
He made some comment and I even replied "so this is just a booty call situation?". I wasn't angry or accusative... I was really looking for a definition of what "this" is... he said no but I suppose all guys say that in the situation as they don't want to upset the person. So things are just as clear as mud.
Hi KitCat,
I agree, to the question, "Is this JUST a boot call?" most would say no.. as most relationships, even ones primarily based on sex, have something else.. even if that's as simple as enjoying chilling or going out. It's your choice to leave things as clear as mud and not ask what you really want to know."I know this is never easy to talk about, but I'm looking for a partner and I'd like to be monogamous with you and stop seeing other people, if you're down." If you don't like their answer, consider moving on.
Last edited by job; 12/09/2003:37 PM. Reason: Removed reference names to another site that is not related to DB
At one point there was a random passing comment about who I'm sleeping with or dating, etc. I can't even really remember what his exact words were... at this point I was more than a half way through the wine bottle... and I nonchalantly said I'm not sleeping with anyone else. This was much before I was laughing and stating the booty call comment.
He did give me a bit a hard time because earlier this week I actually asked him what his last name was and he laughed saying I had sex before asking... I said.. truth. He then tried to clarify if this is normal for me at which point I stated definitely not... very outside the norm for me.
Things I have to keep in mind are 1) he did NOT initiate contact with me following our last get together. That's not typically what I'm used to. Typically, the guy does the follow up/pursuing. So is this further indication that this is just a booty call??? However, 2) when I did check in with him briefly 2 days later regarding his dog he immediately texted back an answer about the dog... but then nothing else to keep the convo going... he's been divorced for a long time. Is he just clueless or is it me?
AND - at what point do I bring up the "I'd like to be monogamous"... 8 dates??? 3 months??? I've been off the market for over a decade and frankly I'm used to being the one being pursued.
