Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gerda]

What happened before:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2895371#Post2895371

Gerda's story is no longer a straight line, but I will still look back at the first Gerda's story to find my way.

From the Ice Queen

Sixth Story: The Lapland Woman and the Finland Woman

THEY stopped at a little hut; it was very mean looking; the roof sloped nearly down to the ground, and the door was so low that the family had to creep in on their hands and knees, when they went in and out. There was no one at home but an old Lapland woman, who was cooking fish by the light of a train-oil lamp. The reindeer told her all about Gerda’s story, after having first told his own, which seemed to him the most important, but Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak. “Oh, you poor things,” said the Lapland woman, “you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland. The Snow Queen lives there now, and she burns Bengal lights every evening. I will write a few words on a dried stock-fish, for I have no paper, and you can take it from me to the Finland woman who lives there; she can give you better information than I can.” So when Gerda was warmed, and had taken something to eat and drink, the woman wrote a few words on the dried fish, and told Gerda to take great care of it. Then she tied her again on the reindeer, and he set off at full speed. Flash, flash, went the beautiful blue northern lights in the air the whole night long. And at length they reached Finland, and knocked at the chimney of the Finland woman’s hut, for it had no door above the ground. They crept in, but it was so terribly hot inside that that woman wore scarcely any clothes; she was small and very dirty looking. She loosened little Gerda’s dress, and took off the fur boots and the mittens, or Gerda would have been unable to bear the heat; and then she placed a piece of ice on the reindeer’s head, and read what was written on the dried fish. After she had read it three times, she knew it by heart, so she popped the fish into the soup saucepan, as she knew it was good to eat, and she never wasted anything. The reindeer told his own story first, and then little Gerda’s, and the Finlander twinkled with her clever eyes, but she said nothing. “You are so clever,” said the reindeer; “I know you can tie all the winds of the world with a piece of twine. If a sailor unties one knot, he has a fair wind; when he unties the second, it blows hard; but if the third and fourth are loosened, then comes a storm, which will root up whole forests. Cannot you give this little maiden something which will make her as strong as twelve men, to overcome the Snow Queen?”

“The Power of twelve men!” said the Finland woman; “that would be of very little use.” But she went to a shelf and took down and unrolled a large skin, on which were inscribed wonderful characters, and she read till the perspiration ran down from her forehead. But the reindeer begged so hard for little Gerda, and Gerda looked at the Finland woman with such beseeching tearful eyes, that her own eyes began to twinkle again; so she drew the reindeer into a corner, and whispered to him while she laid a fresh piece of ice on his head, “Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking, that he believes it is the finest place in the world; but this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart, and a little piece of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him.”

“But can you not give little Gerda something to help her to conquer this power?”

“I can give her no greater power than she has already,” said the woman; “don’t you see how strong that is? How men and animals are obliged to serve her, and how well she has got through the world, barefooted as she is. She cannot receive any power from me greater than she now has, which consists in her own purity and innocence of heart. If she cannot herself obtain access to the Snow Queen, and remove the glass fragments from little Kay, we can do nothing to help her. Two miles from here the Snow Queen’s garden begins; you can carry the little girl so far, and set her down by the large bush which stands in the snow, covered with red berries. Do not stay gossiping, but come back here as quickly as you can.” Then the Finland woman lifted little Gerda upon the reindeer, and he ran away with her as quickly as he could.

“Oh, I have forgotten my boots and my mittens,” cried little Gerda, as soon as she felt the cutting cold, but the reindeer dared not stop, so he ran on till he reached the bush with the red berries; here he set Gerda down, and he kissed her, and the great bright tears trickled over the animal’s cheeks; then he left her and ran back as fast as he could.

There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland. She ran forwards as quickly as she could, when a whole regiment of snow-flakes came round her; they did not, however, fall from the sky, which was quite clear and glittering with the northern lights. The snow-flakes ran along the ground, and the nearer they came to her, the larger they appeared. Gerda remembered how large and beautiful they looked through the burning-glass. But these were really larger, and much more terrible, for they were alive, and were the guards of the Snow Queen, and had the strangest shapes. Some were like great porcupines, others like twisted serpents with their heads stretching out, and some few were like little fat bears with their hair bristled; but all were dazzlingly white, and all were living snow-flakes. Then little Gerda repeated the Lord’s Prayer, and the cold was so great that she could see her own breath come out of her mouth like steam as she uttered the words. The steam appeared to increase, as she continued her prayer, till it took the shape of little angels who grew larger the moment they touched the earth. They all wore helmets on their heads, and carried spears and shields. Their number continued to increase more and more; and by the time Gerda had finished her prayers, a whole legion stood round her. They thrust their spears into the terrible snow-flakes, so that they shivered into a hundred pieces, and little Gerda could go forward with courage and safety. The angels stroked her hands and feet, so that she felt the cold less, and she hastened on to the Snow Queen’s castle.

[Gerda]

If only I could tune in to DnJ and Gerda on HGTV, but following your adventures here is the next best thing. I echo Sage in that I so admire you, Gerda. I know I'm not alone when I say your fortitude, your kindness, your writing, and your remodeling skills are an inspiration.

Cardinal, this meant so much to me. It is hard to believe but very fortifying to imagine.

I mean about me as a person but also what you said about my writing. Part of my waking up and finding myself twenty five years later, not knowing quite what happened and how, is the realization that I gave up my dream of writing to try to help H realize his creative dreams. (And he never went all the way to succeeding or finishing those things though some of his art really was truly amazing and was part of what made me love him.) And then to devote myself to being a mother and a wife. Waking up and realizing that H never encouraged me to even take an afternoon a month to myself to write, though I was always trying to give him time and money for his creative work. I won awards for my writing before I met H. And I was working in another creative field and starting to make some way into that too. And then I married H and then twenty five years went by and I woke up out of this mess. So this summer I finally finished a huge writing project I had started before H went crazy. I will not say what it's about exactly but needless to say everything that happened since I started it made it a much better work of art.

Anyway, I was very moved by what you wrote and really appreciate your taking time to write it.

And yes, stay tuned for Gerda's House Flip Heaven.

[Gerda]

And Gerda... let me add my voice to those who admire you deeply. The story about your Ls and then you finally standing up and managing it all on your own is pretty incredible. How good does it feel to take the reins of your own situation and know you're doing far better than all these professionals? You can do anything you want, and you'll kick @ss doing it.

one last little question on the refi-- have you talked to your bank recently? Just because rates are SO SO SO low right now, even with questionable rents it just might be doable, and they're incentivized to help find a way for you to make it work since you're in forbearance. (Maybe. I'm no expert, just wondering if you've explored it at all.)

Thanks for continuing to share with all of us!

May! This was so amazing to read. I was really just so moved by what you and Cardinal said. It really strengthened me over the past week. This mystery, to feel so bad about yourself, ugly, lame, undesirable, all those things we felt after BD (and before), and slowly to wake up and imagine that you are someone who can be loved. Looking back now I realize that H slowly but surely taught me how to feel unlovable. I thought it was just how men were, even my first few years posting here. I thought my love for him would heal everything. I'm only seeing things clearly now. Not that there was nothing good with H. There was a lot. And my journey brought me to a life of faith that has saved me in every way. But I think he may have been ill all along. And now I know, at least theoretically, that there are men who truly deeply love their wives, even if mine didn't and even if before H I seemed to only choose men who couldn't love.

Anyway, I don't participate in that many threads anymore so I didn't even know you knew who I was, let alone that you felt such nice things about me.

About the refi -- oh my yes. I might be the most knowlegable person on the threads when it comes to real estate. But the property in question has a jumbo mortgage on it. And there is tons of debt. And right now there is no rental income. So I am focusing on modifying the loans after forbearance, and buying time until I can refinance, when rents come back. My goal if I can't is to buy H out with a hard money loan and then flip my own house after fixing it up. So if I have to sell it, I will at least make some money on the sale. But my hope is that I will hold on to it until my kids go to college and keep using it to pay for their housing until then. Then I can renovate, sell it and use the money to pay for their education. I'm okay with any outcome but it's worth a try.

[Gerda]

Kml, DnJ, May -- I have to put my foot down about the vinyl flooring.

Vinyl is bad bad bad for the earth! The production of it, the disposal of it, its whole life cycle, and it off gases into your own lungs.

I know it's cheaper and it's hard to find things that look nice and don't cost a fortune.

Ugh as I was writing this, I got a message from H. I had tried again to get him to go to mediation. He told me he would go only if I started paying him the full monthly ED payment we agreed on before Covid and which I was able to pay by renting out half my apartment. Obviously not an option during a pandemic. I have been sending him $500 a month instead of $2500. Last month sent $1000 because my forbearance got extended.

Keep in mind, I get no child support and filed a petition in family court a couple weeks ago but haven't heard from family court. (My D is in supreme court but the judge doesn't care about kids or child support.) So he said he is filing an emergency motion against me to get me to pay the $2500.

H also claimed our kids on his tax return and so my return got rejected and I have to battle to try to get my refund. I had to report H for tax fraud!!!

He is paying a lawyer $4000 to get me to pay an extra $1500 per month. (Not actually paying. His lawyer is doing all this on spec, will siphon so much of the equity.) And he thinks that the judge will listen to a grown man saying it's an emergency that he gets paid an advance on unsettled ED rather than finding a JOB so he can pay his own rent when he's not even paying child support.

I tried to keep things pretty upbeat, sent him a record of rents (showing a 67% drop compared to 2019) and explaining about forbearance and asking that he find a seasonal job (he is an adjunct prof) so he can cover his own rent and child support. He just wrote back in a fury while I was lecturing you about vinyl, saying "I will not speak even one word to a mediator without the resumption of the court-ordered $2500. I am going to file an emergency motion."

He has a lunchline mentality about court orders. Picks on the ones he likes and ignores the other, always with wrath and self righteous anger. It's so crazy.

But it means that next week I'll have to show up for an emergency hearing and wade through that. I am in court literally at least once a month. We've been referred to trial but never actually went to trial and now there is a huge backlog. I've offered to settle with a downpayment for now and the rest when rents resume and he won't do it, even though he will have to wait for trial. They just keep filing motions against me and the judge never reads them and everyone screams at each other and nothing happens. It's so insane. I try to remember that most of my days I do not have to deal with this, just some days. But ugh it has been ruining my sleep lately. It's like a tapeworm winding its way through my insides. Or a snake with its jaws stuck in my leg and I can't shake it off.

[Sage4]

Oh, Gerda, I am so sorry you are going through this. Again. And again. What wretchedness.

You have the right attitude about only having to deal with it on *some* days, not everyday. And just think of the peace you have ahead of you, one day when this is all over. It's like a beautiful, sun-warmed field of wildflowers and you will dance through it like Julie Andrews, running your outstretched fingertips across the yielding flower heads until you collapse in bliss. That is your future, it will come.

On being unlovable, on the number that BD does to our self-esteem and self-worth: it is definitely the hardest piece of all of this for me. Do you know about Kintsugi? You are a queen of metaphors and I am sure you would love this if you are not already familiar. It is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. Instead of hiding the cracks of a broken piece, the flaws are highlighted by brilliant gold. And the resulting piece is even more beautiful than the original. That is you, my friend.

I hope the weekend gives you a moment of respite from all of this.

((Gerda))

[DnJ]

Oh my! Repairing the cracks with gold!

Now there is a metaphor for how the LBS heals.

[Gerda]

Fishing: Today is my birthday.

The thought of another birthday doing nothing was a little scary so I invited a few friends, not even close ones but ones who used to come to my fireplace evenings, to meet outside my house for pre-sliced cake and hot toddies, tonight. It's gonna be below 30 windchill but I figured a few minutes of friendship would help ensure that I would not think about how much my birthdays went unnoticed and unloved not for the last seven years but really about double that!

I'm waiting for the next motion for contempt. In between threats of that, H told D11, "tell Mama I said Happy Birthday." Honestly I was not able to fix my face on that one. D said, "Well, maybe he wants to be nice sometimes but he just can't." But in general she is obsessed with him and his unloving love in a way I sadly recognize.

[may22]

Happy Birthday, Gerda!! That sounds lovely even in the cold!! I hope you have a wonderful day.

xx May

[job]

Happy Birthday! Your evening plans sound wonderful and surely no one can slap you w/a fine for having just a few people outside your home enjoying the weather and the treats.

[Gerda]

Thank you, May and Job!!!

There is no worry of a fine; my entire city is full of outdoor huts that all the restaurants have built, and I am very friendly with the bar next door so we'll probably spill over into their space. I doubt they'll have many customers out there tonight and they, unlike most places, have no heaters set up.