KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):
- You wanted to be and to have booty calls, and then are unhappy when that is exactly what you got. - "I've definitely got anxious attachment issues that I need to keep working on." Great, how are you going to work on this? I see in another post you talk about ALL the work you've done on yourself. And yet you still have anxious attachment issues. I see you heading for another heartbreak with this pilot unless you get yourself into IC to work through all of this. You've mentioned assaults and date rapes.......the best gift you could ever give to your son, and to the next person you have a serious R with, is to get into IC and work through all of this. Until then you will say you want a booty call, then fall for the first guy that comes along with a pulse, from now to the end of your life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AND - at what point do I bring up the "I'd like to be monogamous"... 8 dates??? 3 months??? I've been off the market for over a decade and frankly I'm used to being the one being pursued.
In my experience, women seeking sexual monogamy usually bring it up before or after the first time they're intimate. With my current GF, I brought it up the morning after the first time we were intimate. Dating monogamy sometimes happened simultaneously, and sometimes happened later (e.g. sometimes I had other partners or dates already setup). I know men/women who wait longer than me for dating monogamy.
KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):.
I'll mirror Steve and go on record to say that your healing/working on yourself officially stopped the second you started dating the pilot. You are no longer healing, you simply changed your obsession from your H to the pilot. You've stunted your growth.
You have another BD in your future, Kit. And you did it to yourself.
KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):.
I'll mirror Steve and go on record to say that your healing/working on yourself officially stopped the second you started dating the pilot. You are no longer healing, you simply changed your obsession from your H to the pilot. You've stunted your growth.
You have another BD in your future, Kit. And you did it to yourself.
Best wishes.
Well I openly admitted in my post that - yes, I recognize that I have exchanged one problem for another.
I'm working on it. I'm working on my anxious attachment - I have better days than others. I've long know that my love language is "words of affirmation". I sit and journal if its the words of affirmation I am craving or just simply needing to feel validated.
I've got a higher level of peace than I have had in some time. Mostly because I am not so focused on the STBXH --- and using STBXH instead of H is a HUGE step for me in moving forward. I dealt with how I felt about half of the MBR closet being emptied... do I fill it??? I recognized that 1) I'm not leaving it empty hoping that STBXH returns. I accepted he is NEVER coming back to this house, 2) I don't want to be the sort of woman who fills up an entire MBR closet (mine is huge). I always felt it was silly when a woman claimed the entire walk in closet and the husband got relegated to the small closet in a spare room, and 3) I leave that half of the closet empty in hope... NOT hope that STBXH returns... but FUTURE hope for someone in my future who wants to share a life journey with me.
I'm not against FWB or just a hook up situation --- I think I just need to know what is the definition of this IS. I've long ago stopped assuming period. Frankly its been fun (I don't want to be a nun...). Its just having been off the dating circuit for a very long time. But, given where I am at I'm very much at risk for creating an over attachement --- being aware of this is super important. I need to be mindful. I think CW made a very good point that I'm going to have to be the one to initiate this conversation. Its just never in my life have I had to be one... I'm used to guys that pursue and state what their intentions are.
I agree... maybe I am setting myself up for future BD... I guess right now I've got the mentality of --- I'm working on getting over my STBXH... 10+yr, lots of memories, dramas, damage and disappointment.... I distract myself with a fling and end up getting my heart broke... it was 3months with very little intimacy/connection and won't be as hard to get over as the 10yr committed M. Right or wrong... and I'm sure I'm going to hear how wrong this is... that is my current thought process.
I accept 100% that I'm still a work in progress and that my journey getting through this may not be the absolute correct path... but I'll own it.
You are nothing but a sex partner to the pilot. You two are not dating. You do an activity before you get to the point he’s meeting you, which is sex.
He doesn’t initiate contact. He doesn’t keep a conversation going. He never clarified if you were his only partner. If you were seriously ok with it, you wouldn’t be starting to obsess over if that’s all you are.
You should be focusing on your son who’s obviously hurting and yourself. Take the time you are using to drink and have meaningless sex to focus on you and your son.
Stop using COVID as an excuse. Everyone in the world (literally) is dealing with it. Yeah is stinks, but others are still getting the therapy they need, seeing the doctors they require, and going to dinner, hiking and getting ready for the holidays. Others who have it worse because of COVID are either very sick or have lost their jobs and are potentially facing their unemployment benefits running out.
You owe it to yourself and your son to work on yourself more than taking a moment of reflection, drinking to excess, and having meaningless while pondering if it all means more.
Sorry if this comes off harsh.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You are nothing but a sex partner to the pilot. You two are not dating. You do an activity before you get to the point he’s meeting you, which is sex.
He doesn’t initiate contact. He doesn’t keep a conversation going. He never clarified if you were his only partner. If you were seriously ok with it, you wouldn’t be starting to obsess over if that’s all you are.
You should be focusing on your son who’s obviously hurting and yourself. Take the time you are using to drink and have meaningless sex to focus on you and your son.
Stop using COVID as an excuse. Everyone in the world (literally) is dealing with it. Yeah is stinks, but others are still getting the therapy they need, seeing the doctors they require, and going to dinner, hiking and getting ready for the holidays. Others who have it worse because of COVID are either very sick or have lost their jobs and are potentially facing their unemployment benefits running out.
You owe it to yourself and your son to work on yourself more than taking a moment of reflection, drinking to excess, and having meaningless while pondering if it all means more.
Sorry if this comes off harsh.
Joe - I don't mind the harshness because I can tell you are doing it from a place of compassion and not malice.
I do need to hear these things.
I have been focusing too much on what "this" is with the pilot... I know me... this is me processing the situation. I'm trying to get it out of my head and forcing myself to see it for what it is... NOT MY HUSBAND. I haven't been dating in over a decade and I look at how I met this guy and how things have escalated to what it currently is and all I have for comparison is how it was when I was dating my H. My H made sure I knew that he was interested... It took my H nearly 2mo before I agreed to have a date with him... and he made sure I knew how lucky that made him feel.
Part of dealing with the whole MBR closet was going through a keepsake box which had mementos that belonged to both me and my STBXH. Cards from the kids, cards from each other... the notes tucked in when flowers were delivered... and the one that was from him the date after our very first date.... to let me know how special that night was for him. I also came across some cards older than my STBXH relationship from very special guys who also took the time to show just how special a first date out with me really was... AND, then the realization that THIS guy - the pilot has never done that after a half dozen dates. And, I joke with my male bff - is this just what dating in your 50's is like??? Has life changed that much in the decade I was devoted to my M?
I seriously stated to my male bff that this is me... I'm just asking the same question over and over again expecting the answer to be different. Just know I recognize this behavior that I'm doing.
While I don't write it here I'm spending tons of quality time with my son. Even tonight our conversation went to a place and my kid is like "where is this coming from?" as we sat and laughed. He isn't lacking in any attention from me but he is also 19 and living his own life currently as he should.
I'm also spending loads of time with GAL. At least once a week and sometimes twice I'm up way before the sun and diving to the state park in the next town over... hiking through the woods in the dark for 30min so I time it that I hit the river at sunrise. Its a 3 1/2mil total trek with the dog. The first 45min I've got the ENTIRE place to myself. While maybe not the smartest thing to trek in the woods in the dark, I've been coming to this park for over 3 decades. I've always felt safe here and it is the only place I would ever do this... plus my dog is over 100lb.
I apologize if I'm using Covid as an excuse. We are all in this together. I think, as with many of us on the front lines, this is coming from a place of complete burn out. I was at work yesterday 3hr well past the end of my shift.
I think I also came here today to vent because I'm seeing behavior in interactions with the pilot that are a definite turn off... all day... it was about HIM. Sure he answered every single text I sent him very quickly... he was definitely having a rough day... but he was having a rough week last week... he clearly had a stressful issue the last time we were together... and yet again today another event that he was bitching about. I mean I get it. He was dealing with a frustrating situation. Did he inquire anything about me??? NOPE. Did he know that I didn't get home until after 10:30pm last night. NOPE.
I listened to his issue. I validated. That of course allowed him to open up more. I continued to validate. After hearing all the drama he did conclude at the end of the day a really positive thing that happened. I congratulated him and suggested he needed to find a way to celebrate that. He replied what he did (basically nothing) and I just suggested that wasn't very imaginative and surely he could come up with something better. He replied again with possible X activity (something at an old college stomping ground and for background we attended the same college we just didn't know each other then). I said sure if that would make him happy but then I said "or you could take me out to see Christmas lights".
^^^That's a clearly romantic activity and a chance for him to learn more about me (he constantly complains that I don't talk. I get it that I'm quiet but frankly he talks enough for the both of us.) He immediately turned it into a sex situation. That kind of bummed me out. I get it. I completely get it. I set myself up for this. AND, to make matters worse rather that stating "its unfortunate that we can't have a nice sweet night out without this constant undertone" I simply replied "well you get X after all - implying that it was his celebration and if that's what he wanted thats what he should get" So I know full well I'm bringing this whole situation on myself. Its like a long nasty train wreck.
I continue to write it out here knowing full well I'm being 100% judged. Knowing the commentary will draw... that it won't be kind.
I don't think this guy handles stress very well. I don't think he communicates very well. I see this is not a situation I should be in. I get it that I'm stuck. That if I stick it out long enough this situation will be start to be different... but this guy is showing me who he is and for whatever reason I just refuse to see it.
You know when humans suffer the most in life is when they want people to be something that they are not. You really struggle with this and that’s why you suffer. You wanted your STBXH to be a loving faithful husband and he clearly was not and you had a difficult time accepting that and kept trying to change him to be what you wanted. You are doing the same with the pilot. You can’t nice him into being in monogamous relationship with you and care about your day. You either accept him for who he is or you move on. Anything else will cause suffering.
"I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places Lookin' for love in too many faces Searchin' their eyes Lookin' for traces of what I'm dreaming of..."
KC, I think you know what you want in a relationship, and pilot ain't it. He's just using you, and you are worth so much more than that. You don't need a(nother) narcissistic, self-centered a-hole in your life, period. You say you're fine being a booty call, but search your heart and see if that's really true. Because if it were, would you really be asking him to go look at Christmas lights?
Oh KK. You are aware of what you are doing. So why do you keep doing it? Do you like to torture yourself? You put the newer guy of trying to make your STBXH to see you and give you want into someone else who isn’t interested in that either. You know you are doing it. So why don’t you ask yourself WHY you are doing it.
This guy wants to do nothing romantic, just wants sex and only talks about himself. So what exactly aside form the sex is the attraction that makes you want this to be more than what it is? I’m confused.
And I will tell you, even if the guy is interested in a real romantic relationship ( and this guy definitely is not) 6 dates is still too early to define anything. It’s just dating at that point. But your anxious attachment needs it to be more and that will just be too much pressure for someone just trying to date and get to know someone .
