Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce

[unchien]

This must be very stressful, worrying about what this could do to your parents.

Just because she's saber-rattling about refinancing doesn't mean she gets her way. This is a complex legal issue - forced house sale, whether or not she waived her right to the 25% equity, etc.

Also... how the heck did she not consider her equity in this house during the D settlement? Crazy...

I guess first you need to determine whether or not she has a legal basis for her claim. If she does then you unfortunately probably have to deal with it at some point. (No judge would order an immediate sale in 30 days, that is nuts).

One thing I notice is you seem to be reacting to your W's black/white offer... buy her out and refinance or bust. The reality is there are likely many options to resolve the issue if she does deserve (legally speaking) all or some of her share of the equity. Perhaps even a good private mediator specializing in this issue would be able to help in a much more cost-effective way.

Regarding the bigger issue of your XW revisiting things... I think this happens often. I fully expect it to happen in my situation.

One friend of mine had an amicable D several years ago. He had his kids 3 weekends a month. Once his XW stopped receiving support, she filed for 100% custody, claimed abuse, and he spent 6 figures clearing his name. He now has 50-50 custody but constantly worries that she may come back with a new claim and drag him back to court.

Another acquaintance of mine, for 15 years, knew that every September his XW was going to file a move-away request or something else that the court would not grant, but would require him to spend legal money and fight.

She won't change her behavior until her narrative changes. It may never change. Maybe she's in love with the fight. You can choose your own rules of engagement, including whether to ignore.

[rooskers]

So many people are going through so much right now and I shouldn't complain but I am tired. I still have my house, D14 and I are in good physical health and we are safe at the moment. That being said I hurt and am exhausted in everyway. Divorce, single dad, D14 grieving loss, multiple lawsuits, COVID, fire, friends losing everything to fire, loss of family, job instability, my students who have lost everything in fires. I know I will get through this but at some point I wonder when it will all be too much.

[kml]

There's never been a more stressful year than 2020, self care is super important. Whatever works for you - funny movies, exercise, meditation, yoga - make it a priority. (Rewatching Superbad always helps me!).

[tom_l]

Regarding the bigger issue of your XW revisiting things... I think this happens often. I fully expect it to happen in my situation.

One friend of mine had an amicable D several years ago. He had his kids 3 weekends a month. Once his XW stopped receiving support, she filed for 100% custody, claimed abuse, and he spent 6 figures clearing his name. He now has 50-50 custody but constantly worries that she may come back with a new claim and drag him back to court.

Another acquaintance of mine, for 15 years, knew that every September his XW was going to file a move-away request or something else that the court would not grant, but would require him to spend legal money and fight.

She won't change her behavior until her narrative changes. It may never change. Maybe she's in love with the fight. You can choose your own rules of engagement, including whether to ignore.

The divorce process is so hateful, so divisive. Too many scumbag lawyers and divorce counselors who advise fight and lie, rather than honesty and decency.

My STBXW was the loveliest woman I'd ever known, gentle and kind and everyone's best friend, trustworthy and dependable and honorable. Yet, 4 weeks after her filing, she accused me (through her scumbag attorney) that I was violent and they needed a restraining order against me. I am a sensitive and gentle man; it almost put in me in the emergency ward as I had chest tightness, a (temporary) heart arrhythmia, and an immediate physical reaction -- as I read that hateful letter from her attorney, I was in a meeting with others, and every pore of my upper body gushed water. I had never had a physical reaction like that.

I refuse to be angry with her about this despicable action; it was so far out of character for the woman I'd known for other 30 years. Still, as per Sandi's rules, I need to judge actions not words, and not the memory of who she was. So I can't trust her.

[rooskers]

Unchien thanks for stopping by.
[quote]Another acquaintance of mine, for 15 years, knew that every September his XW was going to file a move-away request or something else that the court would not grant, but would require him to spend legal money and fight.

She won't change her behavior until her narrative changes. It may never change. Maybe she's in love with the fight. You can choose your own rules of engagement, including whether to ignore.[\quote]

The rules of engagement are some what dictated by her. She files something in court against me and I have no choice but to respond with my lawyer unless I want a summary judgement against me. I have been taken to court about every 3 months since last February. She has lost every time but the stress and anxiety it causes and the financial strain is horrendous.

Engagement by me has been ignoring attacks or accusations but answering co-parenting questions when they come up. I have never sent her an email criticizing her or attacking her just responses to direct questions as it relates to D14. Example, she said D14 was not responding to her texts about their upcoming visitation and asked me if I would get D14 to respond to her. This was a reasonable request and I replied back that I had talked with D14 and she would respond going forward. She followed up with accusations of me not being a good co-parent to which I did not respond.

[rooskers]

Round 1 of the current lawsuit is over and the judge has said she cannot force a buyout or require my parents house to be sold. She has also lowered her visitation to every other Saturday's for a couple hours in the morning. After I gave the judge my retirement balance from an old retirement account and submitted the part of her retirement account she was hiding she has agreed to stop pursuing the matter under advice from her lawyer. Her lawyer did not know about the account she was hiding and now worries I will go after half of that since it was worth considerably more than mine. I won't go after it.

December will determine if she can lower child support and spousal support. It is unlikely since I now take care of D14 365 days a year so the state calculator actually would have child support go up. I am also not pursuing that but just want her to adhere to the dissolution of marriage that she signed and agreed to. I hate the fact that she keeps taking me to court even though I keep winning every time it is emotionally exhausting.

[bttrfly]

ugh
hang in there.

[rooskers]

bttrfly~ Thanks

Sometimes between Covid, lawsuits, and raising a teenage daughter alone just, well it just [censored]. I mostly look at the positives but there are days I wonder why all this has to happen. I keep plugging along but every time I feel like I am coming to a good place God seems to throw another obstacle in my way. I read everybody's sitches on here in this forum but never feel like I have much to comment on. I want everyone who reads this to know that I keep up with your posts all the time but just don't say much. Thank you everyone for being you, this place is truly special.

[kml]

This year is uber stressful for everyone. I can't wait to move on to 2021! Don't forget to take care of yourself and do some stress reduction. We will get through this.

[rooskers]

Just an update.

I won the 4th lawsuit brought by EXW against me. The retirement funds issue is still pending but she lied under oath about her retirement so now my lawyer needs to subpoena her work to get a copy of the retirement and everything should be done. I am really tired emotionally, mentally, and physically from all of this. The signed divorce papers happened well over a year ago and yet every 4 months I have been taken to court. What is good but frustrating is that I have won every single time but still have to pay a lawyer to defend me each and every time.

I have a girlfriend now as well. Not much to say other than she is my best friends, who I have known for 35 years, cousin. I know her entire family already and have known her for years. I am excited about what this new adventure in my life might hold.