I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.
Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.
This is so good and true. I need to keep this handy.
I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.
Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.
I came to this conclusion at the very start of my situation.
My first two posts included these comments:
Originally Posted by harvey
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories...
I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).
I understand the counter-argument, but for me having no hope helped keep me from getting stuck. Of course, I didn't save my marriage, but I think little could be done about that. I moved on quickly and in a healthy way IMHO.
I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.
Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.
I came to this conclusion at the very start of my situation.
My first two posts included these comments:
Originally Posted by harvey
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories...
I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).
I understand the counter-argument, but for me having no hope helped keep me from getting stuck. Of course, I didn't save my marriage, but I think little could be done about that. I moved on quickly and in a healthy way IMHO.
The danger here though harvey, and I think this is why you have to be careful is that moving on for some LBSs is to jump into a new R right away. That is not the point of having no hope and moving on quickly. The vast majority of LBSs are not in the right emotional place for that, and deep deep down they still have a little hope that the WAS will wake up and come back. Until there is none of that, jumping to a new R without doing the work on yourself is a mistake.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Harvey - I agree. Holding on to hope or feeling hope makes it harder for me. I've always been optimistic and a hard worker - figuring I work something until I get the result I want. That has made me successful in most things.
I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."
I thought at the time that was good advice. Of course we are past that now. But early on I thought that was fitting.
We've now reached the place where LH's perspective is the better take.
We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.
They will be however you make it. You decide how they will be up front. Make goals. Prioritize. Take action toward those goals. Celebrate every positive step forward.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."
There's still room for optimism--Scott will learn what he set out to, apply those lessons well, and leave it all on the field. No matter what happens Scott and his kids will do well. No sense worrying about the scoreboard--you have no more control over your wife's choice to come home or not than you do over whether an opposing team brings their A-game or D-game. Scott can only be the best Scott possible.
We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.
They will be however you make it. You decide how they will be up front. Make goals. Prioritize. Take action toward those goals. Celebrate every positive step forward.
Agreed. You'll definitely miss them but the more you can line up before (house projects, dinner with friends, activities...etc.) the less you'll sit around and be lonely.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Harvey - I agree. Holding on to hope or feeling hope makes it harder for me. I've always been optimistic and a hard worker - figuring I work something until I get the result I want. That has made me successful in most things.
I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."
I thought at the time that was good advice. Of course we are past that now. But early on I thought that was fitting.
We've now reached the place where LH's perspective is the better take.
After BD, we want to feel hope. However, the odds of saving your marriage after BD are not great--no matter what you do. This site is called "divorce busting". The last thing people associated with this site want is to give the feeling that there is no hope. The crux is that the best way to save your marriage is to detach. The best way to detach is to feel there is no hope. I absolutely feel that DB principles are the best way to save your marriage. However, you cannot follow the principles primarily to save your marriage. How do you balance that? It's a tough question. For me losing hope helped immensely with detaching. Others can balance detaching and keeping hope better than me. If you can detach yet keep hope, then you are ahead of the game. If you can't detach without losing hope, then it's probably best to lose hope. As long as you stay detached, your odds of turning the situation around are tiny.
Drop off today to the WW went well. My daughter was great. I hugged my son and I saw him start to tear up and so I held him tighter and the tears just ran down his face and mine. Its just what it is, nothing I can do about that. I said goodbye and drove to work.
He had virtual counseling today. He did not want to do it. I tried to talk with him yesterday about it so I just let it go. I did tell him that I've done it and shared how that made me feel (like an idiot). He said that's how he felt too - it was a good moment of connection - and then I went away from the topic because he wasn't comfortable with it.
I bought a ping pong table for my garage today. That will be fun. I'm moving forward with things I can want, and can afford. I'm moving forward on some of the financial separation stuff as well.
I plan to head to the gym after work, though I am completely and thoroughly exhausted. I figure to be in bed by 9p tonight, if I can make it that far.
I have a lot of work to do that I should do tonight, but I just don't have it in me.
Tomorrow I'm grabbing a beer after work with a colleague. Saturday I'm trying to invite a bunch of guys over to hang out. I need to come up with plans for Friday.
I also have so many emails from my wife to respond to about different issues since I didn't deal with those over the five days I had the kids.
