I’m not here to give advice on what you should do. I’m here to try to help people not make the mistakes I did.
What she did my WW did to me and then a few days later after an argument told me she is never coming back. It destroyed me. Please do not Invest much into these little things. Sometimes they say that stuff because they feel bad for you and they want to cheer you up. It’s not love it’s not more than being nice. And we all no how much being nice means. Hang in there don’t let yourself get torn up with everything she says and does like I did. Stay strong and don’t let it effect you.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I’m not here to give advice on what you should do. I’m here to try to help people not make the mistakes I did.
What she did my WW did to me and then a few days later after an argument told me she is never coming back. It destroyed me. Please do not Invest much into these little things. Sometimes they say that stuff because they feel bad for you and they want to cheer you up. It’s not love it’s not more than being nice. And we all no how much being nice means. Hang in there don’t let yourself get torn up with everything she says and does like I did. Stay strong and don’t let it effect you.
Thank you for this. I totally understand what you're saying. I swear sometimes I hear the pity in her voice when she tells me some things. For whatever reason (I haven't been snooping, so no evidence) I just feel like something is going to happen with this trip. Just a sense of foreboding.
I just feel like something is going to happen with this trip. Just a sense of foreboding.
Going on trips after BD is common. Back when I was in that position I remember feeling out-of-control, anxious, and stewing upon it. I sent an upset text, which didn't help matters, lol. I remember another poster here went further and greeted their wife's homecoming with accusations, which REALLY didn't help.
See Scott's thread for a healthy way to handle this situation. Focus on what you control--you! This is the perfect time to see friends and family, discover GAL activities like fitness, or find fun ways to distract yourself (e.g., books, games, road trips). You may be sad here and there but it's constructive and will take the edge off. It makes you more attractive, whereas sending sad/angry messages does the opposite.
If you need to let off some steam, journal here about how you're feeling. ((Hugs!))
Going on trips after BD is common. Back when I was in that position I remember feeling out-of-control, anxious, and stewing upon it. I sent an upset text, which didn't help matters, lol. I remember another poster here went further and greeted their wife's homecoming with accusations, which REALLY didn't help.
Exactly. I keep reminding myself not to do something stupid, but stupid things keep popping in my head! Sometimes I'm good at redirecting my focus, and other times (like today) it is much more difficult.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
See Scott's thread for a healthy way to handle this situation. Focus on what you control--you! This is the perfect time to see friends and family, discover GAL activities like fitness, or find fun ways to distract yourself (e.g., books, games, road trips).
Yeah, today I loaded the boys up and headed down to the beach. Waves were up which was cool to check out. Got some good clam chowder and fish n chips. Ice cream. It was fun and it definitely helped. I'm also looking to get away once she is back and just getting a rental down by the ocean for a few days. It's my happy place.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
If you need to let off some steam, journal here about how you're feeling. ((Hugs!))
Hard damn night and morning. No contact for almost 24 hours, which is likely the longest time we haven't spoken to each other in one form or another in 15 years. She's still out of town, but of course is near the OM she had the EA with over the summer. I'm convinced she's seeing him. Why bother denying it? Found myself yelling at the kids last night after two of them got into an argument over electronics. I completely over-reacted and I know it is because I'm wound so tight right now. As part of my GAL I've started getting up early to work out, do yoga, and meditate. So I did that this morning and after my yoga and meditation, I just lost it. It all just came out in buckets of tears. Thankfully the kids are asleep - don't want them to worry or see that. I'm going to stay strong, not reach out, not ask questions, not snoop, or anything like that. I gotta treat it like it's all already over, because it is, and go through the process.
Not going to lie, the trip is a huge redflag. But it is out of your realm of control. Focus on what you can control: YOU. And your GAL this morning is doing just that.
Nothing wrong with getting your emotions out in private like that! Well done. (I used to break down in the shower.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not going to lie, the trip is a huge redflag. But it is out of your realm of control. Focus on what you can control: YOU. And your GAL this morning is doing just that.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the surgery is just an excuse to go down there. I have to fight the urge to call her on it and blow up, because what's that going to help? The only thing I need to figure out is if a PA is a dealbreaker. I think it is, but it's easier to say that than to follow through so I'm not going there yet.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Nothing wrong with getting your emotions out in private like that! Well done. (I used to break down in the shower.)
Yeah, in addition to posting on here I have a personal journal that had a much more profane entry this morning! lol.
Not going to lie, the trip is a huge redflag. But it is out of your realm of control. Focus on what you can control: YOU. And your GAL this morning is doing just that.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the surgery is just an excuse to go down there. I have to fight the urge to call her on it and blow up, because what's that going to help? The only thing I need to figure out is if a PA is a dealbreaker. I think it is, but it's easier to say that than to follow through so I'm not going there yet.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Nothing wrong with getting your emotions out in private like that! Well done. (I used to break down in the shower.)
Yeah, in addition to posting on here I have a personal journal that had a much more profane entry this morning! lol.
Trust your instincts. Some really good couple friends of ours, about 14 years ago she had an affair on him. She was going on business trips, and went to visit her parents, before he knew about the PA. He found out later the business trips were not business, it was her AP and her going on vacation together. And the trip to visit her parents was to introduce her AP to them (she told her parents that her and our friend were getting a D, he didn't even know she was cheating!).
I don't say all that to scare you but to get you to buttress yourself against it.
As far as whether it is a deal-breaker or not. Was it a deal-breaker before? Have you always said "If you cheat, we are done?"
Do not give up on your principles out of fear, or anxiety. "I am afraid to be alone, so I am going to overlook that she cheated.....even though I've always said it was a deal-breaker." Principles are principles. If you give up on that will you be able to respect yourself? And can you ever expect her to respect you again?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Trust your instincts. Some really good couple friends of ours, about 14 years ago she had an affair on him. She was going on business trips, and went to visit her parents, before he knew about the PA. He found out later the business trips were not business, it was her AP and her going on vacation together. And the trip to visit her parents was to introduce her AP to them (she told her parents that her and our friend were getting a D, he didn't even know she was cheating!).
I don't say all that to scare you but to get you to buttress yourself against it.
Yeah, at this point the ONLY thing that is going to surprise me is if she didn't actually do something while down there or that it wasn't an excuse. The hard part is going to be keeping my cool when we do talk and being detached. I got quite a few things I'd LIKE to say.
Originally Posted by Steve85
As far as whether it is a deal-breaker or not. Was it a deal-breaker before? Have you always said "If you cheat, we are done?"
Do not give up on your principles out of fear, or anxiety. "I am afraid to be alone, so I am going to overlook that she cheated.....even though I've always said it was a deal-breaker." Principles are principles. If you give up on that will you be able to respect yourself? And can you ever expect her to respect you again?
Yes, that has been the case for me. And I need to really sit with it and figure it out moving forward. So far I've rationalized and bent (her being on Tinder) without following through and all it has done is make me miserable. Need to get those boundaries set up.
Trust your instincts. Some really good couple friends of ours, about 14 years ago she had an affair on him. She was going on business trips, and went to visit her parents, before he knew about the PA. He found out later the business trips were not business, it was her AP and her going on vacation together. And the trip to visit her parents was to introduce her AP to them (she told her parents that her and our friend were getting a D, he didn't even know she was cheating!).
I don't say all that to scare you but to get you to buttress yourself against it.
Yeah, at this point the ONLY thing that is going to surprise me is if she didn't actually do something while down there or that it wasn't an excuse. The hard part is going to be keeping my cool when we do talk and being detached. I got quite a few things I'd LIKE to say.
Originally Posted by Steve85
As far as whether it is a deal-breaker or not. Was it a deal-breaker before? Have you always said "If you cheat, we are done?"
Do not give up on your principles out of fear, or anxiety. "I am afraid to be alone, so I am going to overlook that she cheated.....even though I've always said it was a deal-breaker." Principles are principles. If you give up on that will you be able to respect yourself? And can you ever expect her to respect you again?
Yes, that has been the case for me. And I need to really sit with it and figure it out moving forward. So far I've rationalized and bent (her being on Tinder) without following through and all it has done is make me miserable. Need to get those boundaries set up.
So what do boundaries look like to you? Because nothing looks weaker than saying something is boundary and then you taking no action when she crosses it.
"I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully!"
She then speaks to you disrespectfully and you stand there and take it.
A true boundary is: "If she speaks disrespectfully to me I will say "I will not allow you to speak to me that way" calmly, then walkaway."
Boundaries are about the action you will take if the boundary is crossed. Boundaries are meaningless without action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
