What is currently working for me and my lady is we put the other persons needs before our own.
By the way, putting someone else's needs before your own is even better than compromising. But I think you already know the subtle but very real difference already. Sometimes it takes a good example to understand how it works ... and that example is ancient and eternal.
OK -- now that we are laughing together ... always my preferred MO ... maybe you can provide a perspective on this, since you like the new and improved, and more vulnerable, Tom.
Originally Posted by tom_h
I agree with the others here (perhaps you included) who say that while being vulnerable is important, women don't respect it in a mate. Yes, it sounds contrary and I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. Maybe I need to be vulnerable but not be a wimp. I suppose I have to figure that one out.
How the heck does a fellow like me be both vulnerable yet not be a wimp?
How the heck does a fellow like me be both vulnerable yet not be a wimp?
The act of being vulnerable is courageous. It's not easy to share unrealized dreams, to empathize with those who see the world differently. There's inherent risk. Defensiveness, now that's common and easy.
How the heck does a fellow like me be both vulnerable yet not be a wimp?
The act of being vulnerable is courageous. It's not easy to share unrealized dreams, to empathize with those who see the world differently. There's inherent risk. Defensiveness, now that's common and easy.
Roger that. But it's the more complicated issue of being both that has me stymied. Any ideas?
The American Heritage defines "wimp" as a timid and unadventurous person. Being vulnerable is courageous--it's in the opposite direction of wimpiness. Think Tom Hanks plays a character in Saving Private Ryan. His character is able to express his feelings, and he's able to fight for what he believes in. No conflict?
The last time I jumped out of an airplane, I confided in another I was terrified.
See how I said you should read a novel and you pretended like I was suggesting self-help books? Mm-hmm.
If you like science fiction, you must have read Orson Scott Card and the whole Ender's Game series... all about empathy for the other. If not, they're classic. I would also suggest Sheri Tepper and Octavia Butler if you haven't already, and you want to stretch a bit.
What was the last book you read where the protagonist was female? If it's been awhile, even just making your next book choice have a female lead or read a biography of a female would not be a bad start.
What about a book club with your daughters? Let them choose. My parents have been in a couple's book club forever and it is always a total joke when it is my dad's turn to pick-- his tastes are along the same lines as yours and the rest of the book club is more novels and literary fiction--but listening to him talk about a book he's read have honestly led to some of the most eye-opening and close conversations we've ever had. Now every year for father's day I work hard to find a book I've read that I know he'll like (I read a lot). I bet that could be a cool way to get to know your kids better as adults, and get to know your daughters' perspectives better as women.
I agree fully with CW's take on wimpiness vs. vulnerability. Opening up to people you love and who love you is a beautiful thing. I think it is also beautiful and brave to listen openly and try to put yourself out there and understand where another human being is coming from. Not just jokingly eating their vegan food but with a whole and openhearted curiosity to know why they choose to be vegan and a desire to share their food with them. Watching a movie from their eyes, and asking them what resonated with them about it, not grumpily going along with it and thinking you should get a prize the whole time for being so open-minded as to sit through that garbage. (Not saying that is you, but that would TOTALLY be my FIL.)
TBH, it feels wimpy to me to not try and put yourself out there, be willing to be wrong, be willing to fail, be okay with showing your sadness when things are sad. That is human, and to me those actions show courage.
M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
What was the last book you read where the protagonist was female? If it's been awhile, even just making your next book choice have a female lead or read a biography of a female would not be a bad start.
What about a book club with your daughters? Let them choose. My parents have been in a couple's book club forever and it is always a total joke when it is my dad's turn to pick-- his tastes are along the same lines as yours and the rest of the book club is more novels and literary fiction--but listening to him talk about a book he's read have honestly led to some of the most eye-opening and close conversations we've ever had. M
Dang, May, I laughed so hard when I read this! Really bust a gut! Not because it wasn't a good suggestion but because it wouldn't have occurred to me in a thousand years!
And ... to be honest ... the last time I recall reading a book where the protagonist was female might have been ... brace yourself ... high school. I think it was Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre or something by one of the Bronte sisters. I was a tech and math geek through and through back then and while I matured into a pretty good all-around fellow I just haven't ventured beyond my comfort zone. What I'm reading now is a history book about the Donner Party and my shelf is filled with biographies and WW2 and Churchill books. Just to give you more insight ... my favorite all-around read in the past 5 years was David McCullough's biography about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge, maybe 700 pages. Now you know where my head is at on a normal day!
Reading with my daughters is a GREAT idea but neither of them are readers. Both are very social and when they aren't doing college work they are running around socially. But I will give it some thought for a way to connect. I am an avid outdoorsman and when we do have a full day we will often do some aggressive day hikes. But I get what you mean, this is not about quality time but about sharing something in the grey matter from their perspective, not mine.
Thanks for your thoughts about the vulnerable v wimp question. I'll answer that one after I do some reflection.
Final point -- are your Dad and I the same age? I'm approaching 60 pretty damn fast. I look good and feel young but it's still an awfully depressing milestone to be approaching ... especially now that I'm single again.
