Right now the big boundary is if/when she has a PA and what I'm prepared to do. And in the past it was 100% - we're over. So I guess I need to stick to that. I'm just not sure if I should ask point blank if it happened, or just stay dark and detach and wait for the hammer to drop.
Hi SaltyDog, my experience reading here is the wayward spouse lies about 85% of the time. They also (facepalm) often convince the LBS their words are true and bury their activities--temporarily.
Hi SaltyDog, my experience reading here is the wayward spouse lies about 85% of the time. They also (facepalm) often convince the LBS their words are true and bury their activities--temporarily.
That does seem to be the theme reading through the threads. Which answers my question, don't bother asking anything because chances are you won't get the truth back in return.
I just booked a cabin for a few days down by the ocean. Need a place other than the studio to get away. Not going to give her any details other than I'll be out of town those days. I don't want to play games but I also don't feel like she deserves to know what I'm doing at this point.
Which answers my question, don't bother asking anything because chances are you won't get the truth back in return.
If she admits to an affair, then what? Are you ready to pursue D? And if she doesn't admit to one, will you believe her? You see, it's a no-win situation. And merely bringing it up is applying pressure to her, which is anti-DBing. What she wants right now is zero pressure. Pull back. Give her time and space.
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I just booked a cabin for a few days down by the ocean. Need a place other than the studio to get away. Not going to give her any details other than I'll be out of town those days. I don't want to play games but I also don't feel like she deserves to know what I'm doing at this point.
That sounds good, I'm assuming you're doing this on a week that she has the kids. And if so, then go for it. That time is your own and you don't owe her any explanations.
If she admits to an affair, then what? Are you ready to pursue D? And if she doesn't admit to one, will you believe her? You see, it's a no-win situation. And merely bringing it up is applying pressure to her, which is anti-DBing. What she wants right now is zero pressure. Pull back. Give her time and space.
Excellent point and way to look at it. Thank you.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
That sounds good, I'm assuming you're doing this on a week that she has the kids. And if so, then go for it. That time is your own and you don't owe her any explanations.
Exactly. I think I'll just go with "I'll be out of town" and leave it at that. What's the consensus on if she asks for more details? It's not like I'm doing anything I want to hide but at the same time I don't feel like being forthcoming at all right now.
Exactly. I think I'll just go with "I'll be out of town" and leave it at that. What's the consensus on if she asks for more details? It's not like I'm doing anything I want to hide but at the same time I don't feel like being forthcoming at all right now.
Would you be doing it just to pique her interest? If you are like most, the honest answer would be yes. It's likely not going to affect her either way. Early in my situation, I would sometimes give out information and other times change the subject. When I went to El Salvador, I let my XW know, and a part of me hoped she felt jealous. Thing is: it didn't matter to her. Don't think telling her is going to affect her in any way right now.
Yes and no. Of course it would feel like some sort of vindication if she felt like I do when she's out and about. But at the same time I feel myself wanting to close off from her, as if she doesn't deserve to know. If we were "married" she'd have that right, but she lost it when she started this whole mess. (I think I've moved to the "anger" phase, lol)
Also, I was wondering what the "correct" response is when she asks "I haven't heard from you, is everything all right?" Of course, nothing is all right but I feel like the correct response is just "yes everything's good." However, that seems deceitful and potentially counter-productive down the road if/when the topic comes up or it comes out that I am not all right. Is an answer along the lines of "Yes, everything's good. Just need some space to work on myself." giving too much information?
Hi SaltyDog, if you're willing to wait a couple of hours before replying to texts, you can wait until she asks a question before figuring out a reply. This gets you out of the realm of fantasy and into the realm of reality. The brainpower we spend worrying about WhatIf is better spent planning and executing GAL.
I think I'll just go with "I'll be out of town" and leave it at that. What's the consensus on if she asks for more details?
If going out of town is for you, and you aren't playing a game to pique her interest, then the simplest is to just go out of town during your kid-free time and say nothing about it at all.
