Steve - I’ve read it a good bit, but I’ll reread it. I just can’t understand doing this to your own kids. I just can’t understand. I can’t get myself into a mindset where I would inflict this much emotional confusion and pain on my kids. I just can’t understand.
Scotty, what if I told you that you will never understand it? Would you choose to get stuck on that forever, or would you choose to accept that you will never understand and move on accordingly?
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
It’s confusing. I’ve given her every thing over the years. She stayed at home and could do anything she wanted, I don’t understand where this anger comes from.
I would be very careful treading this ground. In your view she was very lucky to be staying at home, but in her view she might have felt trapped and caged. Do not assume stuff, assumption is the mother of all fcukups.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Steve - I’ve read it a good bit, but I’ll reread it. I just can’t understand doing this to your own kids. I just can’t understand. I can’t get myself into a mindset where I would inflict this much emotional confusion and pain on my kids. I just can’t understand.
In her view she probably sees that she broke the shakles and started to breathe. She very probably feels that it time for her happines and that she sacrified herself for the happiness of the family. You can't say that she is wrong, because IMO she genuinely feels that.
Women tend to feel unheard and under appreciated and for the most part I think they are right. The thing that they don’t understand is that was not our intention. I think all men want to make their women happy they just don’t know how and eventually stop trying.
Scotty B you are still in the mindset that a big house, the ability to stay home and awesome vacations should make a woman happy. Maybe for some is does but the majority of women want to feel connected to their husband. Keeping and maintaining a connection after 20 years is not easy and their is no prior training so unfortunately families being broken up are the consequences of tough lessons.
WWs are very good at convincing themselves that this is best for everyone including the kids and are numb to the fact that this is effecting them. Even if they do acknowledge its happening it’s all your fault anyway because you forced her to do it.
You can’t win right now Scotty. It’s going to takes years for her to burn through the resentment before she can start to see you as a person again.
I’m sorry your daughter is struggling but I promise you it will get better.
Staying home and raising children is really staying home and hanging out all day and having the ultimate freedom. That’s what you might see it as. While you grew your career and spent time with adults and work was over when you came home, she was raising your kids, keeping a house probably didn’t have a whole lot of professional adult Engagement. Or adult engagement at all. You didn’t “give her everything “ she took care of your house, your kids, and you, so you could have the freedom to become successful and have the money to provide. She wants to values as a woman and a woman and as a mother and for all of their accomplishments as well. The big vacations and the house? Well, you didn’t give that to her. I’m sure she would like to feel a partner in obtaining that and making that happen because you never had to worry about child care or cooking and cleaning and shopping .
It’s takes 2 to make that life happen. Did you make her feel otherwise?
Steve - I’ve read it a good bit, but I’ll reread it. I just can’t understand doing this to your own kids. I just can’t understand. I can’t get myself into a mindset where I would inflict this much emotional confusion and pain on my kids. I just can’t understand.
WASs and WSs in particular are the most selfish creatures on the planet. Most WASs brush the impact on the kids off as "kids are resilient!". It isn't that they don't care, it is that they have come to grips that in order for them to be happy, others will have to be unhappy. This is the same dynamic that causes WASs to wait so long before finally dropping the D bomb. They are coming to grips with the idea that in order for them to end their unhappiness and pursue what they think will make them happy, they have to absolutely crush and destroy you.
Scott, not sure if in your reading of the information the board you came across the fact that for your WAW, this has been brewing for a very longtime. Most LBSs think, at least they behave, as if the sitch just began on BD. But the truth is that your WAW was struggling with these feelings for a long time before BD. Some experts estimate that the seeds of this thinking actually start up to 2 years BEFORE BD. So she has already worked out in her head the way she thinks all this will go. By time BD occurs the WAS has decided that it is time to RIP the bandaid off and let the healing for everyone start.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Scott, got to chime in here and agree with the others. My W was a SAHM and it was her choice. I, being a very traditional guy, did everything I could to make that a reality. She made, at the time, almost as much as I did, so our income was cut by about 48%. I sold my brand new super duty pickup and drove an 11 year old Ford Taurus. We got rid of cellphones, went down to basic cable, refi'd the house back to 30 years (we were down to 10!). I moved mountains so she could stay home.
She was elated. But then with 2 years she had her first EA. She was miserable. She felt trapped. She even would say things like "you get to go off to work!" Within 2 years her attitude had completely flipped from "if I don't get to stay home and raise my child I will die!" to "if I don't get out of this house I am going to kill someone!" And even though she would still tell people that she was very grateful to be able to stay home and raise the our D, inside she was going crazy.
I was much like you Scott. "She gets to stay home, sleep in, enjoy life! I am out slaving away bringing home the bacon!" Then I saw a episode of the bald, Texas TV psychologist where he took a husband like myself, and drew up what childcare, meal prep, house-cleaning and the like would cost me if I were to pay someone to do it, and it was eye-opening! Remember, as Ginger says, while I got up at 6:30am, was at work around 7:30, put in 9-10 hours depending on the day, and came came home around 6pm, her job never ended. Admittedly, I helped out, and I took care of the snow removal in the winter, the yard work in the summer, etc. It was the ability to have a work and home life balance that she didn't have.
So while it looked to me like she was living her dream, for her at had turned quickly into a bit of a nightmare.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I sent the email that I posted here this morning. We'll see how or if she responds.
I am concerned about my kids and the lack of communication with my wife in regards to them, but I guess its best for me to keep this to myself for now.
And you are all correct, I'll never understand it. I wish I could stop trying to.
Ginger1, Vapo, and LH - Yes, I made her feel like her contribution was not important. It was a pattern - she would get upset at me for not making enough money or not helping out enough around the house or for working too late and I would get upset with her. She would complain that she had to do it all and I would get upset because that is what she signed up for.
I have never given her credit for my ability to be successful because the entire time I was working she was ripping me apart. Saying I didn't get home earlier enough for dinner, that I didn't do enough around the house, that I didn't make enough money. It made it very hard to be appreciative of the things she did. I am guilty of all of this.
And once both kids got in school it got worse. She would say how hard her life was but from my view she had nothing she really had to do. then she went back to work and we carved up all the household duties evenly and she complained about work constantly. At that point I did not have the skills to listen and validate. Then she quit that job and didn't look for another one, she just made excuses for not looking.
She did not feel valued because I didn't value her, I resented her. I didn't and haven't felt like she was doing her fair share around the house. She would say she was going to take care of something -- for example she had three goals for the summer, getting a dead tree taken down, getting our carpets cleaned, and getting our chairs reupholstered. She did none of it. She said she was going to get a job, but she never looked for one. I have been frustrated, but with the constant threat of divorce and/or separation hanging over my head for years I never raised these issues up.
My coach said in November that I was over functioning and that led her to under function; I'm still guilty of this.
And Steve, the situation you described with your wife was very similar to mine. I think she has been planning her escape for over 5 or 6 years going back to before her EA.
From here I need to not make it any worse and get space. Continue to work on myself. And handle the emotions of this for me and my kids. I need to develop a working relationship that allows us to co-parent effectively, but before I can do too much work on that I need to heal emotionally and detach.
For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.
Point is, regardless both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
So ask yourself Scotty B, what do you want and why do you want it?
LH is a big proponent (if I am remembering right) of IC for children dealing with Ding parents. That is something within your control to make happen. Controlling your STBXW is not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH is a big proponent (if I am remembering right) of IC for children dealing with Ding parents.
If needed. Mine are not nor have ever been.
Scotty your kids cannot have the life back that they have had -- they can't. Your W's actions have removed that as a possibility. Seeing you stand up for yourself and continuing to love and support them is a great example to set.
Sometimes things don't work out the way you wanted but you can still have a wonderful life, despite the change. I'm sure your kids won't suffer for learning that lesson.
How are my kids doing now? Honestly they are doing GREAT! Do they like going back and forth between houses? No. Do they like that their family traditions, like vacations together and restaurant meals as a family have been disrupted? No. But they do feel loved by both of us, they know that we are there for them, they have each other, and that is more than enough. Believe me it is.
