Advice on Wife's Midlife Crisis Affair

[hybrid]

Hi everyone. So I've started to read the DR (almost done). It is clear, based on my current situation, the only thing left to do is follow the LRT. My W is staying with a friend and has committed 100% to the new relationship. My W has already told me she plans to file for D after the holidays (she wanted to "get through the holidays" first). I've already stopped chasing and have started GAL... although, I definitely need to work on this more.

I know there are no guarantees, but Step 3 (Wait and Watch) doesn't answer a question I was hoping the community could. This step doesn't address how my W would even notice, based on our situation. When my W stops by to get more stuff from the house, it's usually while I'm at work. When my W needs to contact me, it's via text message. She can't see any posts I make on social media because I blocked her to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. The only potential interaction available is a "follow up" marriage counseling session to see how we're doing in January.

For TLR to even have a chance, my W would need to see how I've changed. Is there anything I should do? I'm aware I have to let her be the one to reach out, but that might never happen. and yes, I know this is more about becoming a better person and gaining back my self-esteem. I just haven't given up hope.

[LH19]

H,

If your W is already committed in another relationship there is nothing you can do right now. If you want to reconcile you are in a waiting game that will most likely take years. She can’t and will not see your changes for a really long time. See a lawyer and figure what’s best for you.

I’m sorry.

[Mumin]

LH is right, and to ease your stress consider that most likely W won’t believe your changes if she sees them now anyway. You need to actually change and become a different you, a better you.
Make the changes for you and your future life.
Long term she might see it.
This is a marathon. You have just started.
If it’s real MLC it will take years and in fact she might be changed for forever.

[Joe2017]

Things are different now. You said it yourself, she's like a different person. And in a lot of ways, that's what you have. A different person. It is very confusing.

You need to do the LRT things. But I want you to focus on working on yourself, FOR yourself.

It's going to be hard at first because you want the M saved. Every thing you do at first is going to be from the desire to save your MR. But trust me, you can't LRT and keep checking to see if it works. "Look at me, I'm awesome, look how awesome I am!" isn't what you need to do.

In my opinion, LRT is not seeking approval from your W. It's being the best version of you for you, and at the same time displaying it for her to see. She might or she might not care, because she has already made her short-term decision to be with AP. It's going to be confusing because she might even still seek YOUR approval or YOUR advice or YOUR attention. But she probably won't reciprocate. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. This is going to be difficult, but you're going to make it.

[Ready2Change]

For TLR to even have a chance, my W would need to see how I've changed. Is there anything I should do?

Your wife lost her attraction for you. One of the first things I suggest is learning as much as you can about what woman are attracted to. You can learn new attractive behaviors. You can stop doing the behaviors that are unattractive.

Seduction is another area you can do some research in. It is a more indirect way to attract.

What works is counter-intuitive. It is important for you to completely set her free. You focus on your personal growth. Learn new ways to interact with women. Interact with her different.



You have a huge onion to peel. One layer at a time. Take a good hard look at yourself and decide what you would like to change. Make a plan and work toward your new changes.

[OnlyBent]

My W is staying with a friend and has committed 100% to the new relationship.

My W is in the same position. Learn to accept it, because it is what she wants, it will probably seem like she is addicted to OM. Everyone will tell you it won't last, and it might not, but it also might. My W is 7 months deep now. It doesn't matter, ignoring it has been the least painful strategy for me.

This step doesn't address how my W would even notice, based on our situation. When my W stops by to get more stuff from the house, it's usually while I'm at work. When my W needs to contact me, it's via text message. She can't see any posts I make on social media because I blocked her to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. The only potential interaction available is a "follow up" marriage counselling session to see how we're doing in January.

For LRT to even have a chance, my W would need to see how I've changed. Is there anything I should do? I'm aware I have to let her be the one to reach out, but that might never happen. and yes, I know this is more about becoming a better person and gaining back my self-esteem. I just haven't given up hope.

Change for yoself. She doesn't care about your changes right now. She cares only about herself.

[MrBrside]

I know there are no guarantees, but Step 3 (Wait and Watch) doesn't answer a question I was hoping the community could. This step doesn't address how my W would even notice, based on our situation. When my W stops by to get more stuff from the house, it's usually while I'm at work. When my W needs to contact me, it's via text message. She can't see any posts I make on social media because I blocked her to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. The only potential interaction available is a "follow up" marriage counseling session to see how we're doing in January.

For TLR to even have a chance, my W would need to see how I've changed. Is there anything I should do? I'm aware I have to let her be the one to reach out, but that might never happen. and yes, I know this is more about becoming a better person and gaining back my self-esteem. I just haven't given up hope.

Hybrid,

You are going about this wrong.

Any changes you make should be for you - not for the Wayward.

Even if she does notice, chances are it will annoy her - "Why didnt you make these changes 2 years ago " etc etc.

She "may" notice if she wants to cake eat and throw you a few crumbs - But overall, she wont care what you do or the changes you make - her focus is her and OM

[SteveLW]

I know there are no guarantees, but Step 3 (Wait and Watch) doesn't answer a question I was hoping the community could. This step doesn't address how my W would even notice, based on our situation. When my W stops by to get more stuff from the house, it's usually while I'm at work. When my W needs to contact me, it's via text message. She can't see any posts I make on social media because I blocked her to avoid seeing anything that would upset me. The only potential interaction available is a "follow up" marriage counseling session to see how we're doing in January.

For TLR to even have a chance, my W would need to see how I've changed. Is there anything I should do? I'm aware I have to let her be the one to reach out, but that might never happen. and yes, I know this is more about becoming a better person and gaining back my self-esteem. I just haven't given up hope.

Hybrid,

You are going about this wrong.

Any changes you make should be for you - not for the Wayward.

Even if she does notice, chances are it will annoy her - "Why didnt you make these changes 2 years ago " etc etc.

She "may" notice if she wants to cake eat and throw you a few crumbs - But overall, she wont care what you do or the changes you make - her focus is her and OM

Good stuff on the "Why didn't you change sooner?" Classic WW response. "It's too little too late" is another mantra. I even heard "You've been awesome lately, but it is too little too late." Notice, recognizes the changes......dismisses them as not being enough.

In my case, she eventually embraced the changes and we R'd, but it doesn't always go that way.

[Oceangl]

Right now you are in the initial shock and awe stage. There's a lot of trauma there. This happens to other people, or in the movies, but not to me! The problem with the trauma stage is that it often causes us to accept crazy behavior/treatment. I bent over backward to make my H comfortable so he would see my worth (???) and I could make him happy. I let him get away with unacceptable behavior. I allowed him to still work with his OW in the same office - just the two of them - and talk on the phone - for "work," because I bought the sob story and felt bad for him and guilty for not being the wife I should have been. I took the crumbs of love and approval he would throw for me. Major cake-eating for him. He had two women at his beck and call. Make sure you see the emotional manipulation and how well it works for them. Boo hoo I had a hard childhood, covid has been hard, you neglected me, etc. While those things may well be true, we each have a choice on how to handle them. We all have hard things in life, and we each have to decide how we will approach it. Getting an ego boost from having sex with another person is not okay, and that's not your responsibility to solve. Learn from me; do not let the sob story manipulate you into feeling bad for her or asking how high when she tells you to jump. It doesn't work. If it did, I would have the best relationship on the planet.

The absolute positive about all this is if you keep focusing on yourself, GAL, and get IC for your hurt and what you're going through, you can find a strength in yourself you didn't know you had. I am almost a completely different person. Yes, I did those things in the beginning hoping he would notice. It's a bit natural. But it doesn't work and it's not real if that's the purpose. Once you value yourself, you will feel a shift inside. That shift helps you to see how unhealthy the situation is and will help you to set boundaries. It sounds like you are doing well already, just keep going. You will be okay, I promise, even though there is so much pain right now. The first time I began to make a shift I remember thinking about him: Go get her tiger. She can have you.

And to support what the others have said, I too got the "why didn't you do this before?" and "this won't actually last." That's why it has to be for you and not to prove something to them. My husband was actually angry when I did well, i made it harder for him to use me as a justification for his behavior. It made it harder to complain about what a villain I was.

[hybrid]

I appreciate everyone's advice. Just hearing from multiple people with similar backgrounds has helped.

I honestly didn't realize how upset and messed up I was over this until this past weekend. I was still living in a fantasy that I could control the situation (exactly what everyone said). I woke up on Sunday around 3am from an emotional nightmare and decided I would do something. I researched all morning looking for the best ways to change things. I was determined to meet up with my W and fix things. The only MF who knows what's going on called me every break he had to talk me down. By the afternoon, I was on the floor, depressed, hadn't eaten anything all day, and I finally broke down... like for real this time. Uncontrollable sobbing.

Since that moment, things have gotten better. For my entire adult life, nothing has pushed me to the point of a real cry. I had forgotten what it was like. I'm definitely still hurt by the entire SITCH but the idea I'm in control over our M is gone. I've even started to remember all the bad in our M. We weren't the perfect couple but I sure did trick myself into believing it.

My W called me yesterday to inform me she was meeting with an attorney to officially file for D. She wanted to discuss how we'd cover the fees and if we could split everything up without an attorney (to save on costs). It was the first call I wasn't on the verge of breaking down. I was calm and collected. I didn't beg or ask how she was doing. I kept my responses short. It was a business transaction.

For those who've suggested, I do have an IC that is amazing. Without her, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. I see her every week. She's provided advice on the small detailed questions on what to do for specific situations. Her goal is to make sure I come out on the other side a better person (her words).

I know I still have a long road ahead of me but I have a new game plan to GAL. Since our money will be split evenly (state law), I plan to get a personal trainer to push me to get the body I've always wanted.. while I can still afford it! I'm also planning to try out new hobbies like learning the trumpet and going hunting with my friend. I've already made plans for the upcoming holidays to make sure I'm around people who care and support me.