Moving forward, all communication between us will be over email. Do not call or text. There is no communication between us that requires an immediate response.
We need to schedule a time, after Christmas, for you to pick up your personal items. I’m flexible on when. Stopping by to pick up a few things here and there is unnecessary.
Seems to the point. I might need to put something in there clarifying what "personal items" are since I won't be there. I also don't want her to think we'll be friends or that I'll help her pack up.
Moving forward, all communication between us will be over email. Do not call or text. There is no communication between us that requires an immediate response.
We need to schedule a time, after Christmas, for you to pick up your personal items. I’m flexible on when. Stopping by to pick up a few things here and there is unnecessary.
Text Her: " I believe it is best that our primary means of communication is through email. I sent you an Email."
Originally Posted by Steve85
I would email her and let her know that the constant picking up of things has to stop, and that she needs to come get all of her belongings by January 2nd. Let her know you are flexible on working out the arrangements with her.
I agree with Steve.
Texting is OK. Most of my text messages to my X were H:"I sent you and email". I sues texts to notify her that I sent email. I asked her to do the same...As I don't always check my email.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the suggestions. My W ended up texting me again later today asking to pick up more stuff from the house. I sent her a more polite but firm email explaining how I'd like to move forward with communication and her personal items. She agreed and will be by tonight, while I'm out, to pick up anything she thinks she'll need in the next few months.
Just caught up on your sitch saw something I wanted to discuss you had said
Originally Posted by hybrid
The only thing that bugged me was she mentioned her reality was different from everyone else's. There was no way she could make everyone else understand what she was doing. Her family and some friends are very upset about her choice. She's not getting the support she probably thought she would.
You should not let that bother you, this is a GOOD thing. When everyone is telling someone (hey, wtf are you doing!?) thats good, it can sometimes help bring them back to reality when people reject the stupidity and selfishness of the affair. Dont sweat that her little world is not la-la land for her with everyone hi-5ing her and saying "you go girl" if anything it validates to you that people had respect for you as the H and disagree with her choices that is a good thing.
Try your best not to overthink anything she says or does, this is not your W anymore. What my WW did was beyond imiginaable for our entire family and after 2 months of all of them telling her WTF are you doing! she is barely barely starting to see she mayyyyybe messed up.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Thanks for the suggestions. My W ended up texting me again later today asking to pick up more stuff from the house. I sent her a more polite but firm email explaining how I'd like to move forward with communication and her personal items. She agreed and will be by tonight, while I'm out, to pick up anything she thinks she'll need in the next few months.
Good work. This is the best way to do this. I always ended up responding to all of my ex's texts with emails. They pop up on her phone the same as a text, so she'd get the email and was so annoyed. Mostly because I was in control of the communication.
She kept going on and on about how I "thought I was in control" and that I "wouldn't be in control forever" and whatnot.
I just stayed polite and when things from her got really aggressive I told her I would only communicate via our attorneys.
I hope your sitch doesn't get as toxic as mine was.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thanks for the suggestions. My W ended up texting me again later today asking to pick up more stuff from the house. I sent her a more polite but firm email explaining how I'd like to move forward with communication and her personal items. She agreed and will be by tonight, while I'm out, to pick up anything she thinks she'll need in the next few months.
Well done, hybrid!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ready2Change advised softening your language. To drill-down into that a bit--
Originally Posted by Hybrid
Moving forward, all communication between us will be over email. Do not call or text.
Can you see you're trying to tell her what to do, and that's controlling? Telling someone what to do is usually only appropriate when they ask for help or are a subordinate--e.g., parent-child, boss-employee.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I believe it is best that our primary means of communication is through email. I sent you an Email.
Ready2Change's states what he'd like to see. It's great stuff! It's also possible to set firm boundaries without being controlling. My estranged parents used to text me annoying messages. At my IC's prompting, I asked them to please text only for emergencies. After ignoring a few texts, I moved onto blocking them.
Boundaries control you. They don't control other people.
Originally Posted by Hybrid
I sent her a more polite but firm email explaining how I'd like to move forward with communication and her personal items. She agreed and will be by tonight, while I'm out, to pick up anything she thinks she'll need in the next few months.
Thank everyone for the responses. I think email will give me time to think and respond politely but effectively. I've even reblocked her on social media (yea... i unblocked her at one point). Seeing anything positive on her feed was getting to me.
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You should not let that bother you, this is a GOOD thing. When everyone is telling someone (hey, wtf are you doing!?) thats good, it can sometimes help bring them back to reality when people reject the stupidity and selfishness of the affair. Dont sweat that her little world is not la-la land for her with everyone hi-5ing her and saying "you go girl" if anything it validates to you that people had respect for you as the H and disagree with her choices that is a good thing.
Steve_, I definitely know I shouldn't let it bother you. It's just strong empathy I feel for the person I've been with for 9 years. The crazy part is before she chose the AP, she told me who would reject her if she went down this route and she's definitely been on point. As sad as it sounds... as much pain as she has caused... I still want her to be happy. Doesn't sound very "manly" but it's not only the longest relationship but also my first W.
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Try your best not to overthink anything she says or does, this is not your W anymore. What my WW did was beyond imiginaable for our entire family and after 2 months of all of them telling her WTF are you doing! she is barely barely starting to see she mayyyyybe messed up.
Steve_, so sorry you're also going through something similar. I'm at least glad/hopeful your W on some level is starting to come to some type of realization. I hope things work out for you.
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Whether it's the holidays or just coming to an internal realization, I'm hearing my IC and brother's thoughts on moving forward. "When you meet your next partner, you'll realize what you didn't have" "You'll be more like yourself around your next partner" "You'll find someone who will enjoy having sex. I'm truly excited for you." "After 9 years out of the loop, dating will be a fun experience". These statements give me hope for the future while removing hope for my current R. I know they're right though. She's a stubborn person .
I'm spending the holidays with my parents. I'm lucky to still have them around during such a horrible time. It pains me to know my W is sitting alone on a friend's couch on her favorite holiday but this was her choice.
I hope everyone has a great holiday. After all of this is over, I hope to give advice and help to the newcomers as y'all have done. I'll be drinking a glass of whiskey tonight for how thankful I am.
I was having a really hard time today. I woke up at 3 am from emotional nightmares (happens often now) and I couldn't fall back asleep. When I got to work, all I could do was read other people's stories to get a little comfort.. but that comfort would not be coming today. Instead, a sheriff arrived and served me in front of everyone at the company. Only my boss at the time knew what I've been going through. I think the worst part is I know this was a choice my W made. She knew I hadn't told anyone at work. She knew our home address. Her attorney knew they could waive being served because they had my attorney's name on file. This was a deliberate act.
The paperwork says my W is "allowing me" to stay at the house during the separation but I have to pay for everything, mortgage included. Everyone warned me, but this does go against everything we agreed on. As upset as I am in this moment, I'm actually grateful I won't have to be married to my W for much longer.
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