She followed her text up with another message asking about meeting up with my best friend. He's supposed to drop off Xmas presents for her to bring back and there was some miscommunication. After waiting another hour I went with:
"Thanks for letting me know and say hello to Julie for me. I'll check with Matt."
Other than the fact I shouldn't have replied at all (I can feel the eye rolls!) how was that?
I’m sorry you’re struggling man this is very difficult stuff especially around the holidays. Like Bent said it will get easier but you are going to have some rough days ahead. Be patient with yourself. You’ll come out of this a better person for sure. Keep your chin up.
Thank you. Wrapping the presents might not have been a good idea since they are now all around my office as a reminder of the holidays! lol.
It's a new day, it's a new dawn, and I'm feeling better but far from good. One thing I've been struggling with is what to say or do when we do talk. It's not been 5 days without speaking to each other, the longest we've ever gone, and I know she's going to ask what's going on because she knows something is up. I obviously am not going to tell her about DBing or anything like that but wondering where the sweet spot is between outright lying ("I'm awesome, things are great, just been busy!") and telling the truth ("I've been an absolute wreck some days that hides in his office so the boys don't see him crying.") Is it just "I've been busy"? Because she'll know that's bullsh!t and I'm hiding something or lying. I know I shouldn't be worrying about what ifs in the future but if I don't have a gameplan I'm likely to screw things up - like they say "luck favors the prepared mind."
She followed her text up with another message asking about meeting up with my best friend. He's supposed to drop off Xmas presents for her to bring back and there was some miscommunication. After waiting another hour I went with:
"Thanks for letting me know and say hello to Julie for me. I'll check with Matt."
Other than the fact I shouldn't have replied at all (I can feel the eye rolls!) how was that?
She pulls the string, your limb moves.
It wasn't a bad response, but your instincts are right: no response would have been better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Relax and breathe. " I've been busy" is perfect. Incidentally it SHOULDN'T be a lie.
You can't screw things up unless you beg, plead or pursue.
Lack of self-control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self-control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. It’s very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the only thing that may affect your spouse. The shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction. The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
It's a new day, it's a new dawn, and I'm feeling better but far from good. One thing I've been struggling with is what to say or do when we do talk. It's not been 5 days without speaking to each other, the longest we've ever gone, and I know she's going to ask what's going on because she knows something is up. I obviously am not going to tell her about DBing or anything like that but wondering where the sweet spot is between outright lying ("I'm awesome, things are great, just been busy!") and telling the truth ("I've been an absolute wreck some days that hides in his office so the boys don't see him crying.") Is it just "I've been busy"? Because she'll know that's bullsh!t and I'm hiding something or lying. I know I shouldn't be worrying about what ifs in the future but if I don't have a gameplan I'm likely to screw things up - like they say "luck favors the prepared mind."
"I've been busy."
Then shut up, listen and validate. (Read the validation thread.) Most LBSs say way too much.
If at any point it gets disrespectful on her end, you end the call. "I refuse to be treated this way." THen walk away or hang-up.
TO be honest SD, I am guessing she isn't really all that interested in what you've been doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SD Relax and breathe. " I've been busy" is perfect. Incidentally it SHOULDN'T be a lie.
It's not a lie in that I HAVE been busy, but it is a lie in that me being busy is the reason I didn't respond to her. That was intentional. Maybe it's just semantics but it is gnawing at me.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lack of self-control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self-control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. It’s very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Quit smoking 7 years ago after 25 years of smoking, haven't drank since the Tinder incident, and have lost 10 lbs in the last month. So I don't have any excuses not to have self control here.
Originally Posted by LH19
You can't screw things up unless you beg, plead or pursue.
I don't plan on that. I am not under any illusions that will help. My worry is on the other side - anger, resentment, jealousy, and a general sense of FU. I need to stay aloof but goddamn it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.
If at any point it gets disrespectful on her end, you end the call. "I refuse to be treated this way." THen walk away or hang-up.
I don't see that happening - at least not yet I guess - because that's not her style. In many ways she's been loving and supportive through this (self interests in mind likely, but still genuine tears at times) so I don't see her being disrespectful.
Originally Posted by Steve85
TO be honest SD, I am guessing she isn't really all that interested in what you've been doing.
Interested in what I'm doing? No, I agree. Wondering why I'm acting differently all of the sudden and being "quiet?" I disagree. This is foreign to her. Now, she might not care too much, but she's definitely thinking something is up.
Quit smoking 7 years ago after 25 years of smoking, haven't drank since the Tinder incident, and have lost 10 lbs in the last month. So I don't have any excuses not to have self control here.
Whoa. You have been dry for what, a week? And all LBSs lose tons of weight. It comes with the territory. Eating and snacking just aren't a priority when you are obsessing over how to save your marriage.
Just read something that I already knew, but it is still so eye-opening. Rutting bucks lose 25% of their body weight during the rut. The rut usually lasts 6-8 weeks. In that time bucks barely eat. Their waking hours are consumed with finding and breeding "hot" (ie in season) does, and fighting off their competition. (Hmmm, sounds a lot like LBSs after bomb day!) They then spend the post-rut trying to fatten up again to prepare for the harsh winter months when food is scarce.
So the self-control doesn't come into play in losing weight during the thick of your sitch, it does in not gaining it all back once everything is settled.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If at any point it gets disrespectful on her end, you end the call. "I refuse to be treated this way." THen walk away or hang-up.
I don't see that happening - at least not yet I guess - because that's not her style. In many ways she's been loving and supportive through this (self interests in mind likely, but still genuine tears at times) so I don't see her being disrespectful.
Originally Posted by Steve85
TO be honest SD, I am guessing she isn't really all that interested in what you've been doing.
Interested in what I'm doing? No, I agree. Wondering why I'm acting differently all of the sudden and being "quiet?" I disagree. This is foreign to her. Now, she might not care too much, but she's definitely thinking something is up.
You will be surprised what she is capable in the weeks to come. We all were with our WASs.
And her wondering why you are different isn't interest in what you are doing, it is trying to figure out why suddenly she is losing control over you. Most WASs, and almost all WSs go through a period like that. "Hmmm, usually when I pull the string, his arm moves. Well I just yanked the string and nothing. WHAT IS GOING ON?" This is especially true when you are still entrenched as her plan B. And make no mistake you are her plan B. If things with OM do not work out then she will want to fall back into her safety net. Not sure about you but being anyone's consolation prize is not for me. And one of the best things LBSs can do is to pull that net out from under their WAS. A monkey doesn't jump from the branch they are on, until they've identified another branch that can support them. If you start to remove that branch from underneath her then she might start having second thoughts.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/17/2004:06 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
