Then there are the people who are wrong or uncertain about an OM, who add snooping and paranoia to their list of issues. Confrontation requires some certainty and hard actions.
My thought then is to confront regarding still being on dating sites (which I know without snooping) and don't mention suspicions of OM for now because I don't have hard evidence, only a sh!t ton of circumstantial.
Then there are the people who are wrong or uncertain about an OM, who add snooping and paranoia to their list of issues. Confrontation requires some certainty and hard actions.
My thought then is to confront regarding still being on dating sites (which I know without snooping) and don't mention suspicions of OM for now because I don't have hard evidence, only a sh!t ton of circumstantial.
Yeah I wouldn't do this. This is trying to control her and she will rebel against it. Likely you will get the answer you want to hear. "I deleted my dating site accounts." ANd she will just go deeper underground with her dating activities.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would add that it isn't a choice between confronting and eating crap sandwiches. You can NOT do both.
Confronting is pressure and pursuit. Refusing to eat crap sandwiches is standing up for yourself appropriately when you are faced with disrespectful behavior.
So using the dating sites as an example. My goal is to confront her on it (she said she had stopped) and letting her know I refuse to continue with the current arrangement and any MCing unless it stops. If she says no, then we go from this friendly separation and nesting to being 100% separated. No contact unless it involves the kids.
Then there are the people who are wrong or uncertain about an OM, who add snooping and paranoia to their list of issues. Confrontation requires some certainty and hard actions.
My thought then is to confront regarding still being on dating sites (which I know without snooping) and don't mention suspicions of OM for now because I don't have hard evidence, only a sh!t ton of circumstantial.
Yeah I wouldn't do this. This is trying to control her and she will rebel against it. Likely you will get the answer you want to hear. "I deleted my dating site accounts." ANd she will just go deeper underground with her dating activities.
But at least I've set a boundary, no? This is where I get confused in the setting boundaries vs. eating sh!t sandwiches. Between standing up for myself and playing games by trying to pretend like her being on dating sites doesn't bother me. I feel like it is disrespectful to me. And this isn't even taking into account the OM. I've been a "nice guy" for so long I'm fighting the urge to swing to the other side of the spectrum.
This is where I get confused in the setting boundaries vs. eating sh!t sandwiches. Between standing up for myself and playing games by trying to pretend like her being on dating sites doesn't bother me. I feel like it is disrespectful to me. And this isn't even taking into account the OM. I've been a "nice guy" for so long I'm fighting the urge to swing to the other side of the spectrum.
So what is stopping you? This is rhetorical because i know the answer. The question is what are you afraid of Salty Dog?
This is where I get confused in the setting boundaries vs. eating sh!t sandwiches. Between standing up for myself and playing games by trying to pretend like her being on dating sites doesn't bother me. I feel like it is disrespectful to me. And this isn't even taking into account the OM. I've been a "nice guy" for so long I'm fighting the urge to swing to the other side of the spectrum.
So what is stopping you? This is rhetorical because i know the answer. The question is what are you afraid of Salty Dog?
Making things worse I guess, which is stupid because they're going to get worse anyway, might as well get worse with some self-respect.
You know what you have to do Salty Dog. Is this harsh? Does it seem crazy? Is it like stepping off a cliff? I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do it -- I guarantee that.
Salty, boundaries aren't about getting her to stop doing what she is doing. LBS confuse boundary setting with manipulating their WAS all the time. Boundaries are about you taking action.
For instance, you might set a boundary that you never will tolerate being cheated on. "If she has a PA, I will go talk to an attorney and file for D." You dont tell her that, you just set it for yourself and when it is crossed you take the action you set forth.
As far as the text a simple, 'Nothing is wrong, just busy. " will suffice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
