Another LBH (kinda) pt. 2

[SaltyDog]

Whoa. You have been dry for what, a week?

Sadly, that's the longest I've gone without a drink in a very long time.

And all LBSs lose tons of weight. It comes with the territory. Eating and snacking just aren't a priority when you are obsessing over how to save your marriage.

Good point, and it helps that my appetite is gone. But also working out, jiu-jitsu, yoga, and doing keto is helping.

[SaltyDog]

You will be surprised what she is capable in the weeks to come. We all were with our WASs.

Yeah, you guys definitely have me worried about that and I know I'm being naïve in a lot of ways.

And her wondering why you are different isn't interest in what you are doing, it is trying to figure out why suddenly she is losing control over you. Most WASs, and almost all WSs go through a period like that. "Hmmm, usually when I pull the string, his arm moves. Well I just yanked the string and nothing. WHAT IS GOING ON?" This is especially true when you are still entrenched as her plan B. And make no mistake you are her plan B. If things with OM do not work out then she will want to fall back into her safety net. Not sure about you but being anyone's consolation prize is not for me. And one of the best things LBSs can do is to pull that net out from under their WAS. A monkey doesn't jump from the branch they are on, until they've identified another branch that can support them. If you start to remove that branch from underneath her then she might start having second thoughts.

Ok, that makes sense - the difference between wondering and being interested. And no, I don't want to be plan B.

[LH19]

.I don't plan on that. I am not under any illusions that will help. My worry is on the other side - anger, resentment, jealousy, and a general sense of FU. I need to stay aloof but goddamn it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.

This is good. What is stopping you?

[SaltyDog]

.I don't plan on that. I am not under any illusions that will help. My worry is on the other side - anger, resentment, jealousy, and a general sense of FU. I need to stay aloof but goddamn it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.

This is good. What is stopping you?

I thought it was frowned upon? Reading through other threads I saw a lot of recommendations not to confront or do things along those lines and to just keep eating sh!t sandwiches.

[LH19]

You are cherry picking info Salty Dog. You would never hear me say that. The only time I advise against it is when a person isn't going to follow through with consequences which is 99% of the time. That is why there are few recons. I told you in the beginning you had a small window to maybe turn this around.

Arguments in favor of letting it slide:
1) You don't make things worse between you than they are now
2) You don't tip your hand that you've been snooping

Arguments in favor of NOT letting it slide:
1) You get the elephant out of the room, which will be a relief when it's out in the open
2) Depending on how you handle it you demonstrate strength and establish a boundary about how you will allow yourself to be treated

If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.

Here's what will happen:

1) She'll deny it, the more you push the more she'll dig in
2) She will demand to know where you're getting your information
3) If you tell her you snooped, she'll get angry at you for that, tell you that you betrayed her trust and make you the bad guy
4) She will make an effort to lock you out of whatever you have access to.
5) She will deepen her relationship with OM in response to things with you getting worse.

That's what will happen, but that's not necessarily a bad thing -- you will need to make this worse before it can get better.

If you choose to confront her, here's what I want you to do:

1) Tell her you know about her relationship with OM and that you consider it to be a betrayal
2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to ( whatever you want consequences)

(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

The key things you want to go for here are to come across as showing strength and standing up for yourself. Secondly, you don't want to come across as controlling. The message to her is that she can do whatever she wants, but if she wants to keep up this relationship with OM then she will not be married to you, or using your mobile plan, etc. etc.

Establish some boundaries about what you will accept and then *stick to them and enforce them at all costs* it's the best thing you can do.

Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.

[Traveler]

Hi SaltyDog,

I thought it was frowned upon? Reading through other threads I saw a lot of recommendations not to confront or do things along those lines and to just keep eating sh!t sandwiches.

Usually, the person doing the confronting gives speeches about how they won’t tolerate an EA or PA but then fail to take action. They look weaker and less attractive than ever. Then there are the people who are wrong or uncertain about an OM, who add snooping and paranoia to their list of issues. Confrontation requires some certainty and hard actions.

[SteveLW]

Hi SaltyDog,

I thought it was frowned upon? Reading through other threads I saw a lot of recommendations not to confront or do things along those lines and to just keep eating sh!t sandwiches.

Usually, the person doing the confronting gives speeches about how they won’t tolerate an EA or PA but then fail to take action. They look weaker and less attractive than ever. Then there are the people who are wrong or uncertain about an OM, who add snooping and paranoia to their list of issues. Confrontation requires some certainty and hard actions.

I would add that it isn't a choice between confronting and eating crap sandwiches. You can NOT do both.

Confronting is pressure and pursuit. Refusing to eat crap sandwiches is standing up for yourself appropriately when you are faced with disrespectful behavior.

See, LBS will twist DBing into being an excuse for what they want to do. Deep down you want to confront, even if it is not the best option. So you will trick yourself into that being the way you DB. Do not trick yourself this way SD. Back off, give her time and space. Focus on yourself and your kids. Get better at GAL.

The LBSs we see here that struggle the most are the LBSs that do the worst job at GAL.

[SteveLW]

P.S. If you do HAVE to confront, do not turn it into a discussion. Simply tell her "I know what is going on." She will pry, ask you for details, etc. Do not give in. Leave it at "I know". Then get busy DBing.

Also, if you do confront, do so without expectations. Most LBSs think that confronting a cheating spouse will be like catching a child in the act of disobedience. That they will be sorry and open to your lecture about doing it anymore. WASs/WSs are not like that. They might be sorry they got caught, but they will continue to lie in the face of evidence. They will continue to deny like there is no tomorrow. They will turn the tables on you: "You've be snooping on me?!? HOW DARE YOU!" (As if snooping on a spouse is somehow worse than cheating on your spouse! HA!) It never goes the way you expect it to.

So if you think she will have a big "come to Jesus" moment when you confront you will be sorely disappointed.

[SaltyDog]

2) You don't tip your hand that you've been snooping

The thing is I've stopped snooping but she still leaves obvious breadcrumbs. She told me she had stopped Tinder but I don't think she realizes a green icon pops up next to your name if you've been active within 24 hours. Back before I deleted the app, it was obvious she hadn't stopped. Going through the bank statements, which I always have done because I've gotten screwed in the past with false charges, and seeing charges for other dating sites. Amazon popping up "recently viewed" items that I didn't look at and are obviously not gifts for me. Etc. I feel like I can call her on a lot of activities without even snooping. The other thing is I can't prove anything about the OM, other than it's completely obvious, because I haven't snooped. All signs point to it, but there's no smoking gun. There are smoking guns of being on dating sites, for sure, and that is enough for me to call out though. The real sad thing is if she's on dating sites AND with OM. Jesus.

2) Depending on how you handle it you demonstrate strength and establish a boundary about how you will allow yourself to be treated

This x1000! This is what I want.

If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.

I don't really have expectations because I have no idea what to expect. Usually when confronted she doubles down on whatever it is she's done and justifies it. I just want her to know I'm not an idiot and I'm not going to continue things this way.

2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to ( whatever you want consequences)

(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")

Here's where I stumble. My first thought is the consequence will be "I'm done." However, is that true? Part of me says Hell yes it is! On the other hand I've read don't do anything along the lines of ending things for 3 months after so you can make a more informed decision. At this time my thought is the consequence will be - no more family dinners, no more "playing" family, and absolutely nobody else allowed in the studio. How to enforce the last one, still working on. However, I am much more observant than she is and she's not as good at hiding things as she thinks she is.

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

This is something else I'm trying to work out. Our finances are 100% combined and we both make good money, so it isn't as if I am the bread-winner in this situation. If anything I'm thinking of setting up a separate account in my name and switching my direct deposit over to it. But not there yet.

Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.

Thank you for this. I am going to start practicing and I am going to be patient. Like I keep saying, I don't want to ruin Xmas any more than it already is for the kids. I will put on a happy face, be aloof, play along, and prepare. I figure the new year is best time for a change (if I can make it that long) and that will give me time to hopefully get all my ducks in a row.

[SteveLW]

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

This is something else I'm trying to work out. Our finances are 100% combined and we both make good money, so it isn't as if I am the bread-winner in this situation. If anything I'm thinking of setting up a separate account in my name and switching my direct deposit over to it. But not there yet.

Be careful with this. In some states/municipalities, this can be seen as trying to cut her off from the rest of the world. I highly suggest consulting with an attorney before taking steps like this. Especially if you are the sole or primary breadwinner.