I wouldn't say anything about the OM or the dating sites. You are sure she has an OM, and you are worried about her being on dating sites? Seems odd.
If you do it, just know that confronting her will not help in reconciliation. As said above, there will be no "come to Jesus" moment for her. I think you should just assume she has an OM. Then, your decision is: if she is having a PA, is that a deal breaker for you?
You are struggling with detachment. You really need to focus on that. Get to a point where nothing she does affects your emotional equilibrium. You're going to have a kick ass life either way.
Detach, GAL (stay active), 180s (work on the things that need working on)
Wondering why I'm acting differently all of the sudden and being "quiet?" I disagree. This is foreign to her. Now, she might not care too much, but she's definitely thinking something is up.
I understand why you feel like "I'm busy" isn't enough of an answer, and in fact might come off to her as you being rude to her. Personally I think a better response is "I feel like we both need some time and space from each other to think about things." Because that is the truth even if it may not be what you want, that IS what she wants, and that is a response she can respect.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
The thing is I've stopped snooping but she still leaves obvious breadcrumbs. She told me she had stopped Tinder but I don't think she realizes a green icon pops up next to your name if you've been active within 24 hours. Back before I deleted the app, it was obvious she hadn't stopped. Going through the bank statements, which I always have done because I've gotten screwed in the past with false charges, and seeing charges for other dating sites. Amazon popping up "recently viewed" items that I didn't look at and are obviously not gifts for me. Etc. I feel like I can call her on a lot of activities without even snooping. The other thing is I can't prove anything about the OM, other than it's completely obvious, because I haven't snooped. All signs point to it, but there's no smoking gun. There are smoking guns of being on dating sites, for sure, and that is enough for me to call out though. The real sad thing is if she's on dating sites AND with OM. Jesus.
A lot of us get hung up wondering whether the WAS is having an affair or not, or multiple affairs or whatever. Snooping rarely gives you any answers, it just causes more confusion because you see all these little bits and pieces and you don't know what to make of it. The advice I usually give on this is if you really have to know, then hire a PI and find out once and for all. I'd say the chances are very good you are not going to like what the PI discovers, but maybe you need that to help you detach and move on.
I went about it a little differently, I asked myself "would I still stand for my M if I absolutely knew she was having an A" and I decided that I would indeed. I know it's a deal-killer for a lot of people but it wasn't for me. Neither of us were anywhere close to being virgins when we got married so it seemed like a forgivable offense. Once I came to the conclusion that I would still stand, then it no longer mattered to me whether she was having an A or not. I basically assumed the worst- yes she is having an A, and I acted accordingly. It was actually a huge weight off my shoulders, one less thing to worry about. To this day (nearly 10 years later) I still don't know if she was having an A or not!
I read that you want to confront her...to tell her what she is doing and how it is wrong, etc. The truth thought is that it will be futile because she doesn't care. You cant logic or reason with her.
Read some of sandi2's posts. She was the wayward. Remember, women are attracted to "power." Not unhealthy power, but confidence, someone who knows who they are. Be careful not to come across as needy and pleading. Being nice to her won't change anything. There's also a good chance she wants to keep you available in the background as a Plan B.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
You are struggling with detachment. You really need to focus on that. Get to a point where nothing she does affects your emotional equilibrium. You're going to have a kick ass life either way.
You're 100% right on all counts. I'm trying to detach more and GAL but between our state being shut back down due to Covid, it raining 10 of the past 11 days with no break on the horizon, and having to coordinate 3 kids school schedules, it's been tough. I'm focusing on reading right now - just lots and lots of different books.
By the way SD, the better I got at detachment and GAL, the more my W would ask "What's wrong?" (We were IHS, btw.) I would always cheerily say "Nothing is wrong." Then I would go on with what I was doing, whistling happily. The more I backed off and gave her the time and space she had requested, the more frequent the "what's wrong?" question came. 2 months into my committing to try to DB as well as I could, she would actually come looking for me! "Whatcha doing?" "Oh just organizing my tools." Understand, she had no interest in where I was and what I was doing for months prior to BD.
That loss of control over my feelings and how I behaved started to get her curious about what was different. As long as I was following her around asking her questions, wanting to know what she was up to, she felt in control. This is not new stuff. This is distance-pursuit dynamic to the hilt! If you haven't read that thread, go read it. It is very eye-opening.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wondering why I'm acting differently all of the sudden and being "quiet?" I disagree. This is foreign to her. Now, she might not care too much, but she's definitely thinking something is up.
I understand why you feel like "I'm busy" isn't enough of an answer, and in fact might come off to her as you being rude to her. Personally I think a better response is "I feel like we both need some time and space from each other to think about things." Because that is the truth even if it may not be what you want, that IS what she wants, and that is a response she can respect.
I like that and think that's where I'm heading. Right now it is just deciding is that before or after Xmas.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I went about it a little differently, I asked myself "would I still stand for my M if I absolutely knew she was having an A" and I decided that I would indeed. I know it's a deal-killer for a lot of people but it wasn't for me. Neither of us were anywhere close to being virgins when we got married so it seemed like a forgivable offense. Once I came to the conclusion that I would still stand, then it no longer mattered to me whether she was having an A or not. I basically assumed the worst- yes she is having an A, and I acted accordingly. It was actually a huge weight off my shoulders, one less thing to worry about. To this day (nearly 10 years later) I still don't know if she was having an A or not!
