You're 100% right on all counts. I'm trying to detach more and GAL but between our state being shut back down due to Covid, it raining 10 of the past 11 days with no break on the horizon, and having to coordinate 3 kids school schedules, it's been tough. I'm focusing on reading right now - just lots and lots of different books.
It's tough. I'd find something to keep me busy. It wasn't always something physical or outdoors or with other people. I'd create little projects when I had nothing to do. I made great headway on organizing my music library and organizing my photo album. I did household things that I had put off--like installing a dimmer switch. I'd call somebody from a small circle of close family/friends that knew about my sitch. I started researching and trying cigars that I hadn't tried before. Not necessarily a great habit, but something about a good cigar puts me in a good headspace.
You are struggling with detachment. You really need to focus on that. Get to a point where nothing she does affects your emotional equilibrium. You're going to have a kick ass life either way.
You're 100% right on all counts. I'm trying to detach more and GAL but between our state being shut back down due to Covid, it raining 10 of the past 11 days with no break on the horizon, and having to coordinate 3 kids school schedules, it's been tough. I'm focusing on reading right now - just lots and lots of different books.
LBSs spend a lot of energy making excuses as to why they can't GAL. All I can tell you is that where there is a will, there is a way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.
Here's what will happen:
1) She'll deny it, the more you push the more she'll dig in 2) She will demand to know where you're getting your information 3) If you tell her you snooped, she'll get angry at you for that, tell you that you betrayed her trust and make you the bad guy 4) She will make an effort to lock you out of whatever you have access to. 5) She will deepen her relationship with OM in response to things with you getting worse.
Salty, if you're ever wondering about the accuracy or the validity of the advice you receive on here, let me tell you, I confronted. Guess what happened, all 5 of the above list. Guess what didn't happen, remorse, apology or guilt. Instead she told me I was a piece of garbage for reading her messages and told everyone I 'hacked' her instagram. 'Hacked' on an ipad we both shared and knew the pass code to.
Confronting was the right thing for me to do, however, what I didn't do was be strong after it. We continued to live together, I continued to pursue, beg, plead. In fact she went and stayed at OM's the very next night whilst I looked after our S. It makes me sick thinking about how pathetic I acted. The purpose of these boards is to learn from those who have experience what you are going through. in some instances you will learn the right course of action because of what has worked fro some. A lot of the time, you will see what not to do because of someone here.
Go read Wolfman's threads, that should convince you to take on board the advice, because I can feel that you want to fight it and do what will ease your anxiety, not what will help you get through this.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
You're 100% right on all counts. I'm trying to detach more and GAL but between our state being shut back down due to Covid, it raining 10 of the past 11 days with no break on the horizon, and having to coordinate 3 kids school schedules, it's been tough. I'm focusing on reading right now - just lots and lots of different books.
Hi SaltyDog, it's rainy near me, too. Last weekend I had to drive 4hrs to get to a place where a day in the mountains was possible with mist instead of rain and wet snow. Other days I have less time to climb/hike/cycle and wear a rain coat. My local Pilates studio has outdoor classes under a tarp--people wear jackets for the cold in our classes now! I also have a small bodyweight routine I do when my kids are at appointments. Fortunately, I have a good set of weights at home. GAL in 2020!
I miss leading groups outdoors. I hope that resumes in summer 2021.
Unfortunately so many don’t take the advice given and have to learn the hard way.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Go read Wolfman's threads, that should convince you to take on board the advice, because I can feel that you want to fight it and do what will ease your anxiety, not what will help you get through this.
It's not my intention at all to ignore the advice or fight it. I will ask questions though, which I think is fair. And for the most part I've tried to implement the advice I've gotten. For now though my #1 priority is Xmas and the kids, since this is likely to be the last one as a "family" we have - as f'ed up as that is. In the meantime I am not pleading or pursuing, I've stopped snooping, I've made huge changes in the way I communicate to her (maybe not all the way to where I need to be, but that will come after the new year), and I'm doing my best to GAL.
it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.
Why are you putting up with it?
It goes back to whether or not to confront her with it all vs. just moving on and focusing 100% on me. Looking at the responses in this thread there still isn't a clear cut answer. Some say it will just make her get better at hiding things, others say it is needed to push things forward to the inevitable.
[/quote] Hi SaltyDog, it's rainy near me, too. Last weekend I had to drive 4hrs to get to a place where a day in the mountains was possible with mist instead of rain and wet snow. Other days I have less time to climb/hike/cycle and wear a rain coat. My local Pilates studio has outdoor classes under a tarp--people wear jackets for the cold in our classes now! I also have a small bodyweight routine I do when my kids are at appointments. Fortunately, I have a good set of weights at home. GAL in 2020!
I miss leading groups outdoors. I hope that resumes in summer 2021.
I'm working on it. I'm going away for 3 days after Xmas, took the boys down to the ocean last weekend, might take them to the snow tomorrow, jiu jitsu class, hikes, etc. I'll find other things to fill the gaps as well, it just [censored] because my county is going to "Extreme Risk" starting tomorrow which is gonna shut things down. I'll keep at it though.
