It's not my intention at all to ignore the advice or fight it. I will ask questions though, which I think is fair. And for the most part I've tried to implement the advice I've gotten. For now though my #1 priority is Xmas and the kids, since this is likely to be the last one as a "family" we have - as f'ed up as that is. In the meantime I am not pleading or pursuing, I've stopped snooping, I've made huge changes in the way I communicate to her (maybe not all the way to where I need to be, but that will come after the new year), and I'm doing my best to GAL.
Good job! I have hopes for you, danielson.
I think people get confused. This site is called "divorce busting". I think the advice on this site gives you the best chance to do that. However, people need to realize that by the time they get to this site their marriage, as they know it, is over. If you don't adhere to the advice, I think it's about 10% chance that you can break the divorce. However, even if you DB well, your chances of breaking the divorce is still well under 50%. I know that is shocking to some, but I believe it's the truth. Quite honestly, it's lower if you are a man trying to break an unwanted divorce.
The positive is that if you DB well, you may not break the divorce, but you will have saved yourself and you are likely to be a hell of a catch in your next relationship.
it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.
Why are you putting up with it?
It goes back to whether or not to confront her with it all vs. just moving on and focusing 100% on me. Looking at the responses in this thread there still isn't a clear cut answer. Some say it will just make her get better at hiding things, others say it is needed to push things forward to the inevitable.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
it every part of me wants to call out all her BS and let her know I know what's going on and I'm not going to put up with it.
Why are you putting up with it?
It goes back to whether or not to confront her with it all vs. just moving on and focusing 100% on me. Looking at the responses in this thread there still isn't a clear cut answer. Some say it will just make her get better at hiding things, others say it is needed to push things forward to the inevitable.
So first off I agree you should wait until after Christmas. Second SD you have to decide what you’re more comfortable with death by 1,000 paper cuts or have your head chopped off. I have the gift of hindsight to pass on to new posters. 99% of the WWs aren’t worth standing for you just can’t see it right now. You won’t confront right now because you’re not strong enough. You can’t even ignore one text from her. That’s ok. I understand. What I am trying to say is you will regret not taking my advice a couple years from now. That I can guarantee.
So here’s is what I believe. Life will present you with people and opportunities to show you where you are not free. In essence grow or suffer. What’s you get that then life becomes easy. You are suffering right now because you want your wife to be something that she is not right now. It a nutshell you are living in as much in a fantasy world then she is right now. So the question is do you want to grow or do you want to suffer?
Hi SaltyDog, it's rainy near me, too. Last weekend I had to drive 4hrs to get to a place where a day in the mountains was possible with mist instead of rain and wet snow. Other days I have less time to climb/hike/cycle and wear a rain coat. My local Pilates studio has outdoor classes under a tarp--people wear jackets for the cold in our classes now! I also have a small bodyweight routine I do when my kids are at appointments. Fortunately, I have a good set of weights at home. GAL in 2020!
I miss leading groups outdoors. I hope that resumes in summer 2021.
I'm working on it. I'm going away for 3 days after Xmas, took the boys down to the ocean last weekend, might take them to the snow tomorrow, jiu jitsu class, hikes, etc. I'll find other things to fill the gaps as well, it just [censored] because my county is going to "Extreme Risk" starting tomorrow which is gonna shut things down. I'll keep at it though. [/quote]
SD, more of this! There are always challenges to GAL. Mainly your own desire to sit and stew. But the LBS that stay busy and GAL the best are the ones that come through the pain faster.
Also, sometimes the WAS sees you out being the person you were when they met you and that excites and attracts them. You do not GAL for this purpose, but this might end up being a side-effect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I plan to continue to grow and do the right things. Perhaps I'm using Xmas as an excuse to not go full-on DB right now. Time will tell once the new year is here and the excuse will be gone. In the meantime I am making the changes I can make for now and doing my best to GAL. I got another text last night asking why I'm being so curt and another asking why I'm so distant. So even in the small changes I've implemented, I can see the impact which encourages me to continue and do more. I don't want the death of a 1000 paper cuts, but I do want to live a lie for the next week and enjoy this time with my family as much as I can. I'm not worried about getting hopes up, mis-reading her actions, or anything like that because in the back of my head, I know. And that is what will ground me.
When she senses that she's losing control over you, she will fight back. She will try to manipulate you to stay invested in her. The more you resist, the harder she will try. She'll reach out accusing you of being distant. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel worse than giving in to her and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake the reaching out on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You've already proven that you'll answer her every text. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
She needs to fully believe that you will not be there for her if she chooses to return, and that if she wants to come back she's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell her that, she'll never believe it. You have to show her that beyond a doubt with your actions.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from her (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if she doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your white knight nature.
Salty Dog, I'm very sorry you're here. Everything she told you about your faults was nonsense to justify her affairs. When you then respond to her complaints you validate them, so she feels even more entitled to have her affair.
You've been trying to "nice your way back" for several months.
It's not working, it will never work.
You cannot placate her, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.
She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
REmember, DBing is most successful the earlier and the more consistently you apply it. It is no guarantee, but your odds go up exponentially wither early and consistent. If LBSs could handle BD and the aftermath by DBing immediately, then there were be fewer Ds.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she senses that she's losing control over you, she will fight back. She will try to manipulate you to stay invested in her. The more you resist, the harder she will try.
You mean like the "I'm missing you" text I just got?
Originally Posted by LH19
Often people mistake the reaching out on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
I won't be. I can fully see how I'm plan B at this point and I don't want to be plan B.
Originally Posted by LH19
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You've already proven that you'll answer her every text. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
REmember, DBing is most successful the earlier and the more consistently you apply it. It is no guarantee, but your odds go up exponentially wither early and consistent. If LBSs could handle BD and the aftermath by DBing immediately, then there were be fewer Ds.
I'm not going to abandon it altogether - still going to GAL, go on my trip, work on myself, etc. Just not going to go full-on and make it as uncomfortable as I could for the next week.
I got another text last night asking why I'm being so curt and another asking why I'm so distant. So even in the small changes I've implemented, I can see the impact which encourages me to continue and do more.
IF you are DBing only to see the impact... ????
Then you are looking at this all wrong.....
And I think that you are trying to jump through too many of her hoops because you are trying to move forward whilst looking in the rearview mirror.
DBing is about making those changes for yourself, so that you can become you again....
And no matter how hard you try, you cannot lead from behind...
And, you are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
Why are you holding her accountable for your emotions ???
Why are you holding her responsible for your decisions ???
She wants out, and you are still treating this like a functioning marriage...
Why ???
Why are you looking to her, to find your path ??
What is it, that you want (for you, not the marriage) ?????
