You know when humans suffer the most in life is when they want people to be something that they are not. You really struggle with this and that’s why you suffer. You wanted your STBXH to be a loving faithful husband and he clearly was not and you had a difficult time accepting that and kept trying to change him to be what you wanted. You are doing the same with the pilot. You can’t nice him into being in monogamous relationship with you and care about your day. You either accept him for who he is or you move on. Anything else will cause suffering.
Yeah... I know this deep down. I've had this discussion with my male bff - that something does happen, ie he initiates, he asks something personal, etc. But then its quickly back to me questioning what's going on here.
At least with my STBXH I have a frame of reference when he was a better man for me and not the version he is currently. You're right though I cannot do anything to create the person my H once was or for that matter expect pilot to be anything other than what he is showing me.
I think what I struggle with the anxious attachment is that I'm internalizing the issue. That's its me and not him. Like, was I/who I am, what I did, who I come off as being a disappointment to the pilot. What is it about me? When deep in my brain I know its HIM and not me.
And, its this whole Polyanna thing I've had my whole life. Expecting everyone and everything is good.
I have to stop contacting him too.... OH MY WORD... now I'm creating my own do not call list... LOL.
I continue to write it out here knowing full well I'm being 100% judged.
I have 4 fingers pointing back at me telling me I have more work to do on myself, so maybe make that 99%
Originally Posted by KitCat
.. AND, then the realization that THIS guy - the pilot has never done that after a half dozen dates. And, I joke with my male bff - is this just what dating in your 50's is like??? Has life changed that much in the decade I was devoted to my M?
That is how it is with one guy. Other guys will be different. Each woman I dated after D was a different experience. I enjoyed each experience for what it was. I enjoyed each person for who she was. I believe most people do not date enough people, especially at the same time. No need to jump into anything serious. You are free. Enjoy your freedom, it normally doesn't last very long.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
[quote=LH19]I think what I struggle with the anxious attachment is that I'm internalizing the issue. That's its me and not him. Like, was I/who I am, what I did, who I come off as being a disappointment to the pilot. What is it about me? When deep in my brain I know its HIM and not me.
This is precisely why you shouldn't be dating right now. Fix you first, then date coming from a place of confidence and not a place of need. That's when you will meet a great guy.
I realize that you have been feeling lonely, depressed and out of sorts for quite some time because your h has left and you are attempting to find your footing once again. However, I do agree w/the posters about dating. You need to fix yourself first and that means digging deep into yourself and finding the courage to work on yourself and be happy w/your own company for a bit. Everyone has baggage of some sort, and those of us who were left behind all need to learn to be happy w/ourselves and be happy w/our own company for a bit. Once you are healed from all of the hurt and/or trauma that you have had to deal with, then begin dating. Right now, I think you are looking for someone to help you feel better about yourself and to fill the void of what your h did.
I'd like to point out that by dating right now, you are letting your h off the hook and your actions are saying that you are okay w/what he did because you are doing the same thing.
I do not judge people for what they say or do, but I do worry about posters who are on the roller coaster and attempting to get off of it and then begin dating before they have healed. You do not want to go into another relationship w/o fixing yourself because history could very well repeat itself again.
I absolutely agree 100% w/what Thornton wrote.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a guy look me up and contact via FB that I went to nursery school with... said he was in town from out of state adn would I like to meet up. Me??? Why the heck not??? Sure. It was decided that the last time we saw each other was 1975... LMAO!!! So we talked about being 5??? It was fun. Up until a few years ago he lived in the area and had actually had contact with my dad back in the day. Sure was odd and funny and *#$&%( if he isn't interested... kept dropping hints about me visiting him.... sooo that was a fun afternoon. :-)
I'm still completely mentally stuck on the pilot. There's sporadic texting... Leave it to me to find the one guy on the planet who doesn't find a Brazilian sexy as F as he was texting me to reconsider (FYI I've been getting full Brazilians for nearly a decade) I teased him that if I was to make such a change that he would need to step up his "efforts" in whatever this was.... and he turned that around by saying - Ha. He completely carries the entire conversation when we are together and "how bout you step up your D" [face palm]... touche' I get it... But, what magic mushroom did I eat??? Because I'm so freaking hooked on this guy.
So last night had another first date with a guy. It was pretty awesome! By far the best first date I've had since Legal S. I'm sure part of it is that I'm finding my groove and getting more comfortable. I will definitely go out with this guy again for sure!!!
There has been light contact with STBXH. Not one word from atty since dropping off paperwork over 2mo ago and emails last week. I've now scheduled appt with her at the end of the month. Part of me is ready to pull the trigger and file for D. I have much less anxiety over D now. But, a huge part of me is still wanting more time... its been10mo now... I'd like another year. The part of me that's ready to file for D 1) will it be a wake up call for my STBXH that I'm moving on??? ---- NO, no it won't be... 2) am I filing for D to get pilots approval for dating him??? ---- that's a stupid reason to push into D. I could push into D and he could just say NOT INTERESTED.
^^^clearly I've got some thinkin' to do...
Tomorrow is the day I leave for Seattle. SS20 has been in contact. Something funny happened and last night he's texting me about help and he did not even bother to text his dad. I'm just glad he thinks I'm important to him.
You have an obsession with guys that aren’t that into you. You are determined to change their minds. You basically switched your obsession from your STBXH to the pilot.
Why are you treating yourself with such disrespect? Why are you so determined to get guys who aren’t valuing yoj to value you ?
You would really benefit some IC don’t you think ?
You have an obsession with guys that aren’t that into you. You are determined to change their minds. You basically switched your obsession from your STBXH to the pilot.
Why are you treating yourself with such disrespect? Why are you so determined to get guys who aren’t valuing yoj to value you ?
You would really benefit some IC don’t you think ?
I am cognitively aware of this... I've been able to block STBXH out of my head 95% of the day... because of this guy. I'm 100% aware its my brain and limerance and what not with this new guy. The sex was great - that's what I'm craving. Its 100% human nature to want what you don't have -- I'm completely logical in understanding the drive. I need to break the habit. Then ultimately I don't want to break the habit.
I'm just putting my truth out there. I do recognize ALL the issues with this. I get what my triggers are.
I'm 100% aware of what a healthier relationship is... I'm working my way toward it.
