There is a book “Love Must Be Tough” that goes through the four rationalizations of the WAS. It’s very good. How they justify to the LBS, the kids, friends and family, and lastly God. It’s nearly word for word what my WAS said to me. It’s spooky.
I had five great days with the kids. I am exhausted. We did Christmas with my family, went skiiing, watched movies late, had friends over, did some baking. Yesterday I don't remember feeling anxious at all which was unusual and a good thing.
I had a call with my DB coach and he had a couple of things to point out - more life stuff than saving the marriage stuff, but I think the marriage is a good way to learn about life.
He said if I was generous, that's fine, and If I don't want to be fine, but don't be generous and then complain about it - that's not fine. I thought that was good feedback.
He said I need to forgive regularly and not to carry bitterness and resentment into MY days - because resentment only punishes me.
On our call I mentioned that I didn't give a carp about what she thought in regards to taking the kids on trips. He said that in regards to that the pendulum was swinging too far in the wrong direction. He said the perspective I need to have is to think "I care what you think, but I am going to do what I think is right." The key being not to surrender my agency.
He said that if I let bitterness and resentment take hold that will impact me and my future relationships.
He seemed to think I was doing a good job and mentioned that if there was ever a reconciliation, it wouldn't be reconciling the old relationship. He said it would be reconciling who I am becoming with who she is becoming.
He mentioned that in marriages sometime we sacrifice for love, but sometimes we sacrifice too much and that's what I had done. So I need to learn that lesson for the future.
It was interesting, at my parents house for the holidays my mom thought I was staying an extra night for dinner though I had told her we weren't. She had planned a meal and everything and I felt so horrible having to tell her that we weren't staying, even though it wasn't my mistake. I really struggled to tell her (because I could have stayed with the kids).
It felt exactly the same as things did with my wife at times where I would just go with something so that I didn't have to rock the boat or hurt someone's feelings. I hate disappointing people. That's something I need to work on.
Sounds like some excellent advice from your coach!
The holidays are tough when you're going through this. You'll be on kid overload and then your W has them and you're slammed with all kinds of difficult, lonely feelings. Try to have plans to occupy yourself, especially if you're taking time off and won't have the kiddos. Fill your days with activities. Make a list, might be chores you need to get done, or fun stuff you want to try, or both. Go down the list, do the things, check them off and do the next. Stay busy, ESPECIALLY if you want to just wallow in self-pity!
There is a book “Love Must Be Tough” that goes through the four rationalizations of the WAS. It’s very good. How they justify to the LBS, the kids, friends and family, and lastly God. It’s nearly word for word what my WAS said to me. It’s spooky.
Yes, that's a great one! I remember thinking the same thing - almost exactly what my WS would say to me. It was a good dose of reality to go along with DBing and detaching.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Scott, but disappointing people is fine of the expectations are true and good. For instance, your kids expect you to be a good Father. Don't disappoint them. But your mom not understanding your plans? That was a falae expecttation. And therefore isn't your responsibility.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That should read "if the expectations are not true and good".
Scott just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you for tomorrow. I know you're hurting, just try to not let her words and actions affect you tomorrow. You're a great dad, and you'll be great for your kids tomorrow!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s been a wild and long 60 hours; I look forward to filling y’all in. Thanks Steve for the prayers. WAS’ don’t quit, just craziness. I’ll have time to write tomorrow. Hope y’all had a merry Christmas
On the 23rd my neighbors invited me over for a beer and in conversation one of the women who I've known for years was asking about where my wife moved. Out of no where she asked me if I "had hope". I paused and really thought deeply about it - my answer to her question was no, but I didn't say that. I did say the truth, "I'm not sure how to answer that, but my hope is for a better life for me and my kids. We're going to do our best." And that's how I feel. I'm going to my best for me and my best to take care of the kids.
Then I got news that my STBXW's sister who is in her early 40's suffered a minor stroke. There was a lot of drama around that. My sister in law has been under a lot of stress and she tends to carry everyone's problems around for them.
On the 24th my wife came over for dinner with the kids and stayed the night. My sister-in-law got released around 5:30pm and at 6:30pm, as I'm grilling steaks sent a text to my STBXW and me that read "My Christmas wish is that the two of you find your way back together. Maybe that's too much to ask, but I love you two and it's breaking my heart what's happening."
Wow. I didn't see that coming - my STBXW and I did not discuss it. At my house we did have a lot to drink. I asked her what she wanted and she said a martini. I was 100% on board and we had appetizers. Then when that was gone I opened a bottle of prosecco. At dinner we had a bottle of wine.
At dinner she spent the entire time talking about herself and didn't ask me a question about myself. She talked about the job she was interviewing for and dropped an F bomb related to it. The kids were in the room and I was surprised. She called the hiring manager a douche bag twice. She was belligerent. She discussed how she didn't want to take the job that was going to be offered to her because its not what she wants to do with her life and she started to cry.
As I sat there and worked to validate and listen I was thinking to myself that if this were a "date" with a random women, I wouldn't go out with her again.
At 10:30p that night she finally told me where she intended to sleep, which was on my daughters bunk beds. That was a relief at that point.
We also had an interesting exchange where we talked about how I was parenting my son differently. I told her I wasn't going to push him to be his best any more. I was going to let him figure things out on his own, that caught her off guard and peaked her curiosity. She was also curious about some of the changes I made to the house.
Christmas day was good. My daughter woke us up at 6am to open gifts. We did presents with the kids and were done around 8:30a. We were all in the family room and my wife was under blankets on the couch and then she decided to take a nap for about 40 minutes, which blew my mind. I was just thinking about how weird it would be for me to do that at her house or anyone else's for that matter.
I pushed breakfast off so that they would stay longer. After breakfast we played with some gifts and then we played ping pong as a family and had a lot of fun. Then we watched the Polar Express as a family. I was a little confused because I thought they would leave after breakfast but it didn't seem like she wanted to leave for one reason or another - I assume she just wanted the kids to be with both of us, but that surprised me as well.
She facetimed with her family while here for Christmas and to see how her sister was doing. On that call her sister again brought up that our divorce was breaking her heart - I couldn't believe it. Also over the 24 hours my wife was over she teared up on several occasions.
On the way out of the house she gave me a hug.
I will also say that she looked sexy on Christmas eve and on Christmas day she looked very cute. After they left I went to my parents for dinner and had a great time.
All and all the interaction was weird. We have our next mediation session on Monday.
Mentally I feel pretty good. My IC recommended journaling every day and I think that is helping. I'm sleeping pretty good and the last three days I haven't had my daily dose of anxiety.
When I don't have my kids and I get bored I'm very tempted to download a dating app to see what's out there, but I continue to avoid that. Anyhow, that's the report.
You sound like you are doing well. Your W sounds like so many of the WAW/WW spouses out there. She is not happy with any aspect of her life. She doesn’t like work, family is evidently not cheerleading her D decision. I went through some of the same. It was also at Christmas time and then even more so just after the holidays that my WAW starting rethinking things. She said she wanted to try to put things back together shortly after the holidays but that was short lived with her actually trying for a month to 6 weeks before just going through the motions for several more months and then finally filing.
Very interesting how you would likely not even date the woman your W has become. You seem like you’re on the right path. Keep doing things for you. Your W will for certain notice it. She may or may not be impacted by it. Or she may be largely impacted by it but you won’t want her as she is. That has happened more than you might suspect. Just keep living your life. Keep doing what you think is best. Let her come to you - or not.
As for OLD, don’t, just don’t. Trust me, looks can be very deceiving. You may see on paper and in photos women you say, wow, I want to meet her, until you actually do, and then they act much like your W did at Christmas - or worse. There are a lot of misfits in The Land of Misfit Toys that is online dating.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Scott, glad things went relatively well. I would caution you though, what I'm seeing here is a woman that is friend zoning her soon-to-be exH, and I feel you are seeing all of this as a sign you still have a chance of saving your MR. Maybe you do still have a chance but I'm not sure you should put expectations into naps, tears, and your SiL's words. Expectations will set you up for disappointment everytime.
Likely the tears and the nap were coming from the same place the fbomb and other kid unfriendly language came from: alcohol. And she likely used the alcohol to deal with an otherwise awkward situation.
Back on the DB horse. Now that this bad idea joint Christmas is past, time to move on with or without her to an awesome life.
BTW, love your answer to your neighbor! Now go put that plan into action!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
