hybrid, not having control over our situations is one of the hardest things to come to grips with. After all, we won our Ws over years ago, our thinking is that we can just do that again. We think we can talk in one afternoon our way out of what it has taken years to act our way into. We think there is a magic bullet out there, something we can say or something that we can do, that will get her to change her mind and come come home. After all, that is Hollywood portrays it right? Affairs, bad behavior, etc........all turned around with some big act or speech and everything turns out okay!
In the real world that is not how it works. In the real work there is nothing we can say and nothing we can do to fix it. All we can do is back off and give time and space to our WAS and let them figure things out. They may stay. They may go. We have no control over that. Luckily you have a friend that talked you off the ledge. Feel free to post here before taking action or saying something that you might later regret. There is a lot of experience at this forum and we can help you.
I am glad you realize that there is a long road ahead. Read other people's posts here. Many are going on 3+ years in their situations. You got BD 2 months ago. That is a drop in the bucket. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Even your WAW that seems to be running head long towards D already, do not be surprised if suddenly she just slows down and coasts. It happens all the time. But even if it doesn't, you have to understand that you are going to be ok no matter what. Your life is not what happens to you, or what other people choose to do, it is how you react to all of that. One of my favorite movies has a line that I love: Get busy living or get busy dying. In the end, those are our only two choices. Dying is easy. All you have to do is sit down and do nothing. Nature will eventually take its course. Living is much harder but the rewards are much better too!
hybrid, you are going to be ok and thrive again, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just to update everyone, I met with my W on Saturday to go over finances. My W wanted to talk over the phone but I made it clear anything important like finances should be in person. I wanted to make sure nothing was misinterpreted. Before talking about finances, we walked and talked about how life has been for both of us. Nothing personal, just what we've been up to. It's a little said knowing she isn't getting the things she thought she would from her new situation, but she did say she was happy.
My W told me she would be filing for D after the holidays were over. She wanted to use our joint account to pay for the attorney fees. In our state, everything is split 50/50. She only wanted to split our joint account in the D while not touching each other's savings, retirement, etc. (I have more in savings than she does). It was a nice gesture. I also told her I planned to buy the house from her if we get a D.
She's been going to weekly therapy, which I'm happy about just for her sake. The only thing that bugged me was she mentioned her reality was different from everyone else's. There was no way she could make everyone else understand what she was doing. Her family and some friends are very upset about her choice. She's not getting the support she probably thought she would.
1) Why not discuss finances in email so every thing is in writing? Likely her verbal agreement isn't what she'll remain with. Once she talks to a lawyer all that could change. There was no benefit to meeting to discuss, likely you used that as an excuse to see her, even if you won't admit that to yourself.
2) Remember, her attorney will be her attorney. And work for her. Not you. This is why you need to also get an attorney. D is a legal procedure, you need a legal expert to help you navigate it.
hybrid, do not fall for her "gesture". Lots of LBSs have trusted their WAS only to live to regret it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Agree 100% with Steve85 above. Something that helped me was this - the d proceeding is business. W is the opposition. Always go with legal counsel, keep everything in writing.
As much as you hope/think/believe they will be reasonable, that is very rarely the case.
My x was my best friend, but would have completely done me in had I agreed to what he offered in the beginning.
Please get your own attorney and get their opinion before agreeing to anything.
And I'm sorry you are here dealing with this.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
My W called me yesterday to inform me she was meeting with an attorney to officially file for D. She wanted to discuss how we'd cover the fees and if we could split everything up without an attorney (to save on costs).
These two statements are not congruent.
People can and do divorce without retaining two lawyers. Legal D is a process. Filing out and filing forms.
Not sure if I am too late on advise but my two cents:
Either you both have lawyers representing you. (The expensive path)
Neither of you have a lawyer and you mutually agree to use a mediator.
In your case, you can do some research into mediators that specialize in D. Find three that you like, then send W an email stating that you agree with her that you do not believe attorney should be involved and that you have included the contact info for some mediators. Ask to pick one. If she doesn't like any of three, she can find three different ones and you will pick one.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1) Why not discuss finances in email so every thing is in writing? Likely her verbal agreement isn't what she'll remain with. Once she talks to a lawyer all that could change. There was no benefit to meeting to discuss, likely you used that as an excuse to see her, even if you won't admit that to yourself.
Steve, I'll definitely admit it was partly to see her, which was my bad. It's been difficult to completely cut her off but I know I need to. I definitely didn't feel good after the interaction.
It actually makes sense to have everything in writing, so I'll suggest my W emails me for all future finance discussions.
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2) Remember, her attorney will be her attorney. And work for her. Not you. This is why you need to also get an attorney. D is a legal procedure, you need a legal expert to help you navigate it.
I hired an attorney a few days ago. I met with a few to feel them out but the one I chose feels like she'd be worth the money.
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As much as you hope/think/believe they will be reasonable, that is very rarely the case.
Hope, you're probably right on this. If my W was being reasonable, she would have put the effort into working on the M first. It's just hard to believe the kind person I used to know no longer exists.
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Not sure if I am too late on advise but my two cents:
Either you both have lawyers representing you. (The expensive path)
Neither of you have a lawyer and you mutually agree to use a mediator.
Change, I hear you on this but unfortunately, my W is going down the attorney path. She probably realizes at this point an attorney is the only safe path for her moving forward. I'm waiting to officially pay a retainer until my W files.
Now that you have hired an attorney, you can put SO much off onto them if you have to. Financial negotiations MUST be in writing, because your attorney said so. Blah blah blah.
You wouldn't take a job without signing paperwork regarding the pay, right? So don't negotiate your money, property, investments, or ANYTHING without paperwork. She will take you to the cleaners or her attorney will convincer her to take you to the cleaners.
My ex still thinks she's a decent person for not going after my retirement! On one hand, I am grateful for that one singular thing but on the other hand I lost EVERYTHING except for my few personal belongings, my kid's personal belongings, one TV, and a room full of junk and crap she broke that she didn't want to keep.
Everything is business now. You don't have to be a jerk. You don't have to act like she's your enemy. But she is not your friend. She is more like a salesperson now. You wouldn't just be a jerk to a salesperson, but you don't really need to give a crap about their emotions. You have YOUR OWN to deal with.
There will be plenty of time later to try to be friends or friendly, but during D is not the time to try this. It's nothing personal. Strictly business.
There are times when two people mutually get divorced and it can be all friendly and such. But cheating on your spouse and leaving is not one of those times IMO.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I'm curious how I should handle my W constantly wanting to pick up more of her belongings. She calls about once a week to "pick up stuff" from the house, but it always seems like a small amount of stuff. I'm never really there when she wants to grab stuff (out with friends or at work) but her calling spikes uncomfortable feelings. She ALWAYS sounds perky and happy. This happened again last night and ruined my night.
Should I tell her to email me when she needs something? Should I tell her to get everything out now? I'm unsure what the right move is for setting this boundary... or even what to say.
My W paid the retainer for her attorney so it's only a matter of time before I'm served. I plan to file a petition to reside in our house during the D process, which will give me more power. Until then, I technically don't have any power.
I would email her and let her know that the constant picking up of things has to stop, and that she needs to come get all of her belongings by January 2nd. Let her know you are flexible on working out the arrangements with her.
Or you could just go through and box all of her belongings up. Next time she calls let her know that everything is ready to go, when would she like to come get it?
hybrid, just like wanting to meet for the financial discussion, likely there is a small part of you that likes the interaction. You get to choose when they end!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
hybrid, just like wanting to meet for the financial discussion, likely there is a small part of you that likes the interaction. You get to choose when they end!
Steve, you're right. It's like a mind game I'm playing with myself. The idea of wanting to see her in hopes of the fantasy to fix things is the driving force but once my W is there, I realize how hurt I am. After last night, I'm aware I do need to create more distance to heal. Thanks for the advice. I'll let her know via email she needs to pick up any remaining personal items she needs on a day/time I'm not there.
