You know what KK it’s all part of the journey. I do think you are making some progress. The next thing to work on is eliminating manipulation from your life. It’s not an attractive quality.
Lol. You’re too much KK. I thought H would never find out your dating. Sure sounds like it’s going ok with the pilot.
Heal yourself W before you really get yourself into another mess.
Good job on GAL though.
I'm always happy to be the comic relief... I'll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster
You know I just don't care. Let him know I'm dating. I've not shelved myself in hopes he comes running back. And, it was never going to work out with pilot. They never do... the first guy you sleep with after a long term relationship. He's just stepping stone toward a new life. Don't go feeling bad for him because he ghosted me... I was happy to be dating him for even FWB. Still my brain is not dealing with the withdraw from this guy.
And, too boot now I'm navigating this friendzone with STBXH... not sure how I feel about that.
Wasnt SS20's fiance pregnant?
KC I'm all adviced out for you. So I'll just offer moral support. I do think you're r in a much better place than you were, I just hope you'll try to get to the root of your issues and not just bandaid them!
Merry Christmas and happy New Year.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 - yes the fiance' was pregnant... she lost the baby back in August. That was the beginning of a downward spiral. Other things have since come out. SS20 is dealing with his poor choices. I've been there to help support him. Show him some resources and getting him to focus on making some long term changes for himself.
Well needed to take care of a business item with STBXH. I asked that he call me when he had uninterrupted time to talk. He agreed to call that night.
A positive note - he called and answered the phone quite friendly. It was not uncommon if he called me to go "yeah" in a harsh tone or "you called" or "what do you want". It was refreshing.
1) He had to contact me last week over an issue with the cell phone bill. He was courteous at the time. Not angry. Not accusatory. Let me know that he took care of it. It was my job when I got back home to figure out what happened and how to move forward. So I talked about the resolution and moving forward. It is all no big deal but we needed to be on the same page.
2) I then said - this will be weird but stick with me. "Do you remember going to TN for our wedding and driving through the foothills and mountains thickly covered with green trees. You looked at me and said you would love to just have a backpack head into them." He replied "yes". If you ever felt I did not accept you for who you were or didn't respect or support you in becoming the best version of yourself, I apologize. STBXH was quiet for a moment and then said. "What brought this up". I replied "A short time ago you texted me stated that you failed me. You pretended to be someone you were not to be with me, but I always knew who you were. I wanted you to know that that I was listening 10yr ago and I still remember that 3 min convo all these years later. I never wanted you to be someone you weren't"
I then quickly segway to
3) You know I have an appt with atty this week. H quickly interjected "oh, your back from Seattle?" Me, yes... and then there was talk about what we did in Seattle and he asked if I went to X, Y, Z, etc. Tried to get back on track to the convo by stating "I wanted to be the one to tell you I'm having the atty file for D. I didn't want you to find out with a notice on your door or in the mail". He just said OK. In my head I know this is what he wants and its time. Sure I was hoping for a Thank You for the heads up/moving on --- but perhaps my telling him I'm filing for D was something he wasn't expecting. Sure, I won't lie there was 10% of me hoping he would say we don't have to go that step just yet. But, I'm not filing to get his attention. I'm filing because if I'm going to be dating I need to be actively pursuing my D.
I then tried to wrap it up. Those were the only things I needed to talk to him about but he kind of kept lingering on the phone. So I just went with "You at work? Boy, you have nothing but OT these days. I know how much you hate OT". He was yawning and clearly exhausted and confirmed how much he hates OT. I said "I know. You were always so tired, stressed out and therefore in a foul angry mood. I just internalized that unhappiness as a personal attack and ended up behaving not so nice to you. i really did try to support you in the best way I knew how but I could have done better"
Then he talked about how he has 7wk of vaca this year... WOW... really? Apparently due to COVID he will have 2 additional weeks next year. He had already asked me to take the puppy for 3 weeks in March and had already stated he was going to Seattle in the spring and his bff was moving there.... so I assumed he was going to Seattle for 3 weeks and asked if he was riding his bike out there. He paused for a second and then clarified he was going to Alaska for 3 weeks. Me - surprised "oh really". He volunteered its a fishing trip. Me - very cool!!! I was dumb enough to ask who was going (facepalm). He stated bff, another guy who he looks up too from the veterans retreat and a couple of other guys. SOOOOOooo sounds like a guys trip. So if OW is not going how am I ending up with the dog for 3 weeks??? Maybe OW is going... who knows. He seems to have this idea she is more outdoorsy than I am I guess. I asked if they were getting a cabin off the grid - he replied yes and I stated how amazing. Then we just talked some basics about the puppy and when he comes to stay with me in March.
I realize I'm not supposed to talk to STBXH this much but its been weeks with little contact. I know it means nothing. My only hope is now that is been almost 11mo my apology is a lot more sincere than right after BD. I'm not so emotional. Have had a decent time to reflect. I suppose that was ME bringing up the R and that's a no no... but whatever. Clearly, I've proven I'm not good at following instructions... LOL.
I'm okay. Overall I think I'm indifferent.
At this exact moment I'm more bummed over the crash and burn with the pilot than the loss of my H so maybe the rebound did its job???
EDIT - for reference STBXH's dream is to live in the Brooks Ridge Mountains for 1 year with nothing but what he carry.
Ok so here’s the problem. There is nothing wrong chatting it up with your STBXH and being friendly with him if that’s what you want moving forward. The problem lies in that’s what you are communicating to him. Then he thinks your friends and calls you to ask puppy questions etc.
Then you come on here saying he called me about puppy. Why would he do that???????????????????
Do you see where he will end up being confused? He has not problems asking you for favors and treating you like an administrative assistant if you allow it.
Ok so here’s the problem. There is nothing wrong chatting it up with your STBXH and being friendly with him if that’s what you want moving forward. The problem lies in that’s what you are communicating to him. Then he thinks your friends and calls you to ask puppy questions etc.
Then you come on here saying he called me about puppy. Why would he do that???????????????????
Do you see where he will end up being confused? He has not problems asking you for favors and treating you like an administrative assistant if you allow it.
I do see that.
When he asked me to watch the puppy, I told him I'd love too. But, I was thinking of it more from the puppy's vantage. Being boarded 3 weeks is hard enough and he is a very active athletic dog at risk of losing his tail. Its not good for him to be in small tight spaces like a boarding kennel. Sure it shouldn't be my job to be concerned about that. But, I am. I agreed more of as a service to the dog than doing my STBXH a favor.
I've accepted that he has friend zoned me. It is what it is.
I'm not looking to actively reach out to him to continue this friendship. But, I realize that any reach out from him is because he believes we are friends. I cannot read anything into it - we are proceeding with the D.
Why do I turn into such a doormat??? Why do I humiliate myself with chasing something that doesn't want me??? Why am I being friends/texting a married man to boot on top of all of this???
And, why is it that my closest male friend of 40yrs... and I mean we are extremely close... why is that we never make it work??? (((we have this convo every so many years))).
I want off the speeding train and just to visit the circus for awhile.
I wish I was the kind of person who could bury my issues in alcohol.
***NYE is gonna to be a HUGE trigger for me*** Maybe that's why I'm such a hotter mess than usual.
You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.
I don’t think you’re a doormat you just want what you can’t have. You’re unavailable for a relationship because your broken so you chase the pilot and the married men because they are unavailable too.
You have to get into IC to fix that but you refuse.
As for your friend my guess is and this is just a guess is when you’re with a man you forget about him and when you don’t you want his full attention.
You have a lot of good qualities KK but until you get the bad ones under control unfortunately you will suffer.
You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.
You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.
Bingo ^^^
I get it... But I've given up on getting STBXH back. Still plugging through the books and sometimes I just have to put them down because my mistakes are just too painful to see all at once. I 100% know that I'm not the only one that made mistakes. Accepting that its too late for us is part of the pain that I need to process.
It doesn't help that the puppy had another tail injury today so STBXH is blowing up my phone with text and a long phone call. Its a business call. Like taking care of shared children. We are kind and polite and THIS TIME not only did he finally say thank you... he said it TWICE!!!
Its this WEIRD juxtaposition of how kind we are to one another... AND tomorrow I file for D.
I'm totally okay with it. But the irony is completely there.
And, I'm fully aware that the pilot was a bandage over a bullet hole. I'm just displeased with my seriously questionable behavior with him. I'm just humiliated over it. I probably owe him an apology... but will that just make things worse? Leave it lie or just a simple apology for my behavior and delete his number?
NYE is going to be rough... I let him go out alone. I was exhausted with raising a 10week old puppy. He didn't come home that night until 5am. That's the night he met up with OW for the first time and she started chasing him. I get it... she could not have caught him if he wasn't willing.
