Wow, Scotty, something you said really stood out to me. Maybe a misuse of words, maybe not.
You said you spent the last 20 years of your life, trying to create the best life and future FOR her. She’s an adult woman. Her spouse should be building a life WITH her, not FOR her.
Ginger - I completely agree with you. When I would ask my wife what she wanted in the future she would say “I don’t think like that” or “I don’t set goals.” It made it hard to builds a life together. I planned all our trips and vacations, all our dates, everything. I struggled to get her to speak up and she would often say she didn’t have a voice. It was a struggle.
Wow, Scotty, something you said really stood out to me. Maybe a misuse of words, maybe not.
You said you spent the last 20 years of your life, trying to create the best life and future FOR her. She’s an adult woman. Her spouse should be building a life WITH her, not FOR her.
Ginger - I completely agree with you. When I would ask my wife what she wanted in the future she would say “I don’t think like that” or “I don’t set goals.” It made it hard to builds a life together. I planned all our trips and vacations, all our dates, everything. I struggled to get her to speak up and she would often say she didn’t have a voice. It was a struggle.
Obviously, you know now that is a huge red flag. I point it out for newcomers that might read this. One of the first signs of trouble in my own sitch was my W quit talking about the future and future plans. We had talked about buying a new house 4 1/2 years before BD. She immersed herself in searching for houses, and I dragged my feet. She didn't know that I was putting cash away so we could buy a new house before selling our old one. I was getting a down payment in place. 6 months before BD she gave up on the house search. For nearly 5 years finding houses was her pastime, but suddenly any mention of a new house was met with head shaking and insistence that she was done looking for a house. Snooping after BD revealed she had been looking up apartments for several weeks. She also no longer discussed having people over, future vacations, or any other future plans. In hindsight I probably should have seen BD coming. There were red flags everywhere.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - I agree, but my wife was like this from the jump. She never liked making decisions. Her boyfriend went to the college she chose. Her dad told her what she should major in and where she should work. After college she lived in an apartment he owned. When she moved 800 miles to get closer to me, I picked out her next apartment and a year later she moved in with me. She just never really made her own decisions her whole life. She just kind of goes with the flow and then gets upset when things don’t go her way. ———- I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but my daughter just had another crying spell about the divorce. Good because at least she is letting it out from time to time. Bad because it breaks my heart.
I saw my STBXW at church today, she sat with us. On the way out she told each of the kids she loved them, I said have a happy Sunday and she didn’t acknowledge me. She’s the Ice Queen. Total opposite of the woman I married. She used to exude warmth and love. Her mom is icy as all get out as well.
She texted me today that if I needed help with her watching my daughter while my son had sports Practice she could. I just said i had it taken care of.
Today I had less anxiety. I can’t figure out the ebb and flow. It really seemed to calm down when a friend and his boys came over last night and we played ping pong in my party shack till 11p watching football with the projector. I think a key for me is having other adults around from time to time. Helps with my loneliness.
It’s sounds like 20 years of trying to get someone to be something they aren’t. That almost never works. It sounds like she showed you who she was from the beginning. And your overcompensation was the result, probably hoping she would change. Sounds like a lot of incompatibility . And a whole lot of enabling. Why did you pick out her apartment? Did she ask you to? Or was she not making the decision as fast as you wanted, or in the way you wanted, so you jumped in? It also sounds like you picked up more of a role of father, rather than partner ?
It was a matter of time before one day she woke up and decided to take control of her life. And what you are telling us is starting to make a lot of sense about where things are. She woke up one day unhappy with her life, and turned to the person that was making all of her decisions for her and blamed him for her unhappiness. Scott, we all know you're not responsible for her happiness or unhappiness, she is....but the truth doesn't matter. One day she may realize that despite changing her life and jettisoning the person she blamed, that she is still unhappy. Probably won't happen for a longtime, and when they happens you'll probably have moved on and won't be interested, but eventually she'll realize the only one to blame for her unhappiness is her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ginger and Steve85 - I agree with both of you. Spot on. And I guess nothing I can do about it but move on. Its just so horrible. I've read the last resort technique and all the advice here is not to reach out to her. It never worked before and I'm not sure she has had enough reality yet.
I don't think she'll see this for what it is for a long time. Its depressing and sad and horrible. I hate seeing my family get blown up like this. I want to call her and try to level with her, and I know it would be of no use. It just [censored].
Ginger and Steve85 - I agree with both of you. Spot on. And I guess nothing I can do about it but move on. Its just so horrible. I've read the last resort technique and all the advice here is not to reach out to her. It never worked before and I'm not sure she has had enough reality yet.
I don't think she'll see this for what it is for a long time. Its depressing and sad and horrible. I hate seeing my family get blown up like this. I want to call her and try to level with her, and I know it would be of no use. It just [censored].
What you are struggling with is something cadet refers to as the illusion of action. Doing nothing feels foreign and unnatural so you feel there is something you should do. cadet likes to point out that doing NOTHING is doing something. Making the decision to NOT reach out ot her is as much of as an action as reaching out to her would be. And in the LRT that is the right action, and actually reaching out would be the wrong action. Trying to talk her into changing her mind has a very low likelihood of working, makes you look needy and weak, and will likely do more harm than good. This is a woman that is completely ignoring you running into at church, so it is illogical to believe that another reach out and leveling with her would change anything. LRT is counter-intuitive, but if you think about it, acting intuitively hasn't worked. The only other choice is to do the counter-intuitive and give it time.
Your best hope is that she does what I suggested above. Some day wake up to the fact that she is no longer with you, yet she is still unhappy. And therefore that means that you weren't the reason for her unhappiness. When that happens she may or may not reach out to you and want to talk, get together, etc. By time that happens, maybe several years from now, you will probably have completely moved on and be uninterested. But at a minimum she may share with you that she made a mistake.
Scott, 2021 is going to be a good year for you! Believe it or not. Once you get through all of this, like so many others that have been through it, you will see light at the end of the tunnel. And you might come to the realization that you really weren't all that happy yourself with your the state of your MR, and that happier times are ahead of you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s been a month. Truthfully, so you want her to run back and you continue to take on the role of being dad, rather than be husband? You already have the instincts to scold her like a child and let her know she is making a mistake. For any sort of healthy future the dynamics have to change big time. And that’s going to take a lot of work apart.
You need to learn how to exist for yourself. Not for someone else. And she has to learn how to exist in her own. It’s necessary . Tough, but necessary
I completely agree with you. When I would ask my wife what she wanted in the future she would say “I don’t think like that” or “I don’t set goals.” It made it hard to builds a life together. I planned all our trips and vacations, all our dates, everything. I struggled to get her to speak up and she would often say she didn’t have a voice. It was a struggle.
This was my life! This was/is my H, and it was so frustrating to get him to express his thoughts, dreams, etc. Guess what? That part of him never changed. I wanted to have deep and meaningful conversations.......and he didn't. I had to accept that part of him. So, I get what you are saying.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just want to know where I'm at in this thing. I either want to move on and get on with my life - which I can do full steam ahead or Hang on. But hanging on without knowing where she is at is tough. I know she is confused. I know that as of right now she isn't happy and she is more miserable than she was.
But you are right. The dad thing is a really interesting observation an
