Finally DBing and Accepting

[Indy470]

Steve,

You need a wake up call man.

Why do you even know this much about what your wife is doing?

I’m not trying to be an @ss but you need to hear it man. What are you doing?

Your wife is gone. Stop analyzing everything.

[SteveLW]

Im just going to call this post Revelations.. here are a few things I have finally realized and accepted and a small update.

1.WW didnt get a gun put to her head, she chose to be with OM, shes not a victim of some evil plan.
2. Its not my fault she chose to leave, she had a litany of other things she could have done.
3. After Identifying what I failed in the M beating myself up about it does no good (hardest one)
4. There is not a dang thing I can say or do to make her "fog" go away.
5. Children and family know what is going on, no need to drag them into it more, they see and hear and think too.
6. My WW misses me and does have guilt, but not the way I want her to, its because of her own image, its not remorse.
7. If I continue to let this hurt me it will, It cannot be avoided and it will hurt but I MUST make efforts to feel better.
8. All the mistakes I made not DBing perfect dont matter, they are done and gone, its human, what is important is to do better each day, nobody can DB perfect, some of us are just more attatched/co-dependant than others and it takes longer.
9. My WW is experiencing discomfort with her new reality, its not regret or remorse its just missing the stuff I did for her that OM doesnt, the messy situation she is in, it doesnt mean she loves me, if she did she wouldnt have left.
10. This journey is a long one, there is no quick-fix, magic words, or love spells to make it better, only time and working on yourself do, let the rest flow along, I can only control me and be the person I want to be, nothing more.

The update: She is not so happy with OM and apparently he isnt that stoked about what he bought either. OM is upset because my WW doesnt want to watch his 3 kids, stay at home and cook and clean all day. WW has been arguing with him over things and pretty much sleeps all day and has started to detatch from him. OM's own mom even says "this aint gonna last" along with everyone else. At first I let that give me some hope my WW learned her lesson and naturally would come back LOL! Yeah, no, not like that at all, she still has her "reasons" that she left they dont just dissapear when her love for OM does, and love for OM doesnt just dissapear either. There is zero % garuntee she will want me back once OM leaves, she may decide she wants to play the field for awhile (what im betting on). Then maybe when she has sewn her wild oats she will invite me back as a "room mate" and then have me do all the fatherly stuff and reluctantly commit to more time with me until she finds something better, assuming she doesnt during her in-between phase. I see this clearly now. I am not the champ in her mind, if I was she wouldnt have left. Thinking anything other than this is delusional. It will take lots of time, lots of patience and a big dose of reality for her to place any real value on me again, and thats only *if* she doesnt just jump around to something "better" again. Im pretty sick of that, Im worth a lot more, and there a lots of people who would love someone as committed, honest and good as I am. I dont deserve that, and that is what my future holds if I dont be very very cautious moving forward. If anything new comes up ill post it here. Otherwise im pretty much doing LRT and GAL.

If you take a plant and plant it in broken glass, acid, and scrap metal, it will die. That is why Rs that begin as PAs rarely last, because that which is planted in corruption will rarely take root.

However, your W has shown that when the PA R ends she uses you until she finds the next one. People that are addicted to limerance rarely stay happy long-term. This is why YOU move on and leave her behind. Because what you want (long - term commitment) she is incapable of! So stop torturing yourself and move past her. For you and your kids' sakes.

You got this Steve_! You can do this.

[JosephS]

Steve,
This has got to stop. You need to focus on the kids and yourself. Your W isn't going to need to "sew her wild oats", shes been doing it the entirety of your marriage. She doesn't need to be single or away from you to do that. You know of what..5 or 6 affairs? How many don't you know about?

I'm not trying to heartless or mean, but you have kids that need you, and you can't get out of your own way/head to be the father they need.

Your marriage is over. It's been over. And even if she comes back, it's still over. She isn't your forever.

Your kids are though. Focus on them!!

[Traveler]

Hi Steve,

We see you struggling. The “revelations” have some meat.. I see wheels turning. But then you update and we see you’re still snooping or talking about your ex-wife and want her back.

1. Your wife is not a good partner if you want a monogamous relationship, because she has lied and cheated on you 5-6x. Any likely path to stability and monogamy is solo or with someone else.

2. If she decides to use you as her safe spot between OM, the words she says doesn’t matter because she‘a a liar. “I repent”, or “I want a fresh slate” or “I want a room mate.”have exactly the same meaning—they mean she’ll seek out OM7. Isn’t it time, for you and your son, to break this cycle? What would you tell a friend to do, someone you value?

3. You are not yet writing about what you’re doing to GAL, to be a rock for your son, to make his holidays magical.

[Steve_]

I did great with my kids for the holidays, and I’ve been doing a lot of new stuff at work. I only know this stuff about my WW because she tells me. I posted it here because I’m starting to understand how F’d up she is. To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, it’s okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that I’m seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isn’t the case. That’s all it is.

I got to that point because of you guys, time and IC. I blamed myself a LOT up until recently. My son is going to start therapy tomorrow he has taken this terribly hard. I’ve done the most I can to distract him and make his life good but he has been really confused and angry with it all. I’m looking forward to 2020 being over. I know I’ll be okay I time, so will my son. I just wanted to post some of the stuff that I have been finally understanding about her due to all of this going on. I know my M has been over for a long time, if it wasn’t this OM it would have been another at some other point, it took me a lot of work to stop blaming myself for all of it.

I’m sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and I’m starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasn’t about saving my M it was about realizing this wasn’t all my fault finally. I haven’t had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. It’s been getting a bit easier.

[LH19]

Steve,

So I think being blunt is the best way to go with you. Your son is taking it hard because you’re taking it hard. He’s looking for you to be his rock and since you’re a mess all the time he’s scared. Trust me if you were to stand up and be a man and teach him how not to let people treat you he would fine.

So two nights ago I was texting with a friend and out of the blue I get a text from my son “dad I love you”. After talking with him last night it was just as I suspected, his mom was in one of her moods. He wanted to reach out to his rock to get through the storm. Be the rock Steve.

Look man I know you’re trying but you have to be better for your kids sake.

[SteveLW]

I did great with my kids for the holidays, and I’ve been doing a lot of new stuff at work. I only know this stuff about my WW because she tells me. I posted it here because I’m starting to understand how F’d up she is. To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, it’s okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that I’m seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isn’t the case. That’s all it is.

I got to that point because of you guys, time and IC. I blamed myself a LOT up until recently. My son is going to start therapy tomorrow he has taken this terribly hard. I’ve done the most I can to distract him and make his life good but he has been really confused and angry with it all. I’m looking forward to 2020 being over. I know I’ll be okay I time, so will my son. I just wanted to post some of the stuff that I have been finally understanding about her due to all of this going on. I know my M has been over for a long time, if it wasn’t this OM it would have been another at some other point, it took me a lot of work to stop blaming myself for all of it.

I’m sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and I’m starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasn’t about saving my M it was about realizing this wasn’t all my fault finally. I haven’t had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. It’s been getting a bit easier.

This is all good stuff, Steve _! So what does all this mean regarding saving your marriage? Now that you're arriving at these conclusions are you ready to move on?

[JosephS]

Steve,

The thing is you’ve said before you realize how messed up she is and than talk about the chance of her coming back. I understand this is a “marriage saving forum”, but at some point you have to see sometimes marriages aren’t worth saving, and you need to save yourself.

Your situation especially pulls at me because I see similarities in our Ws. The narcissistic qualities your W has oozes through your posts. And you don’t see it. You’d write almost like a giddy teenager at how messed up things where between her in the OM. You couldn’t wait to be the the fall back guy. The husband, the father of her kids, the last resort. She didn’t cheat once or twice. She doesn’t show remorse. At some point you have to realize your W (and I mean this specifically for your situation, not others) is not worth the time of day. And ironically enough if you would have treated her that way from BD you may have had a chance of saving your marriage. I’m personally thankful you didn’t do that before you saw her for what she is. But truth be told, as of now I think you would try to steer her yourself into saying what you need to hear and allow her to come back.

Listen to people on here. Some forums members here saved me from myself. If I wouldn’t have listened to them I don’t know what kind of state my children would be in. Because the bottom line is affairs and divorce are a horrible experiences, but it’s nothing compared to what your children are seeing and going through. As I have said before, their entire world was just flipped upside and rocked. You and your W aren’t politely acknowledging things aren’t working out and making a plan and following a path to an easy gentle divorce. And if you were it would still devastate the kids. So imagine what this is doing.

LH gave me flash backs with his be the rock comment. I’m so darn thankful he and others where blunt with me, because my kids needed stability in a way I wasn’t seeing at the time. And from what you’ve posted so do yours.

[sandi2]

I’m sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and I’m starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasn’t about saving my M it was about realizing this wasn’t all my fault finally. I haven’t had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. It’s been getting a bit easier. smile

Sounds great! I viewed your previous post a little different than others may have. It was kind of like therapy for you to write it down. Anyway, as long as you are making steps forward, you'll get somewhere.

((hugs))

[mtb1981]

You're in a much better head space than you were a month ago. Keep moving. Keep DB'ing. It's all about saving Steve. Close your eyes to her. She doesn't exist. Focus on you and your kids. And by all means, BE READY!! She's not done with you yet, Steve. WW's are savage creatures. In the next few weeks, she's gonna pull out the big guns and you need to be prepared. She's gonna cry, tell you how much she loves you, and how bad she screwed up. Maybe about how OM is a monster and abusive. And you're gonna go right back to old behaviors to try to be the hero and save her. Trust me. I've been there. You need to have it cemented in your head that this is all part of the script and she doesn't mean any of it. I'm afraid if you're not prepared, she's gonna melt you like a popsicle on a hot day and you're right back where you started. Head down and move forward. You got this...