Thornton you hit like a hammer bud. That’s the cold hard truth of it. This has not been some life lesson for her. She still could give zero fox about what I went through. I see it. Trust that. Was just updating. Anything short of moving mountains isn’t going to do much for me at this point. I’ve taken enough of a beating.
Sorry to be so blunt, Steve. I've been on this forum for years and I'm an advocate for fixing marriages. However, your W isn't capable of having a successful relationship (nor being faithful) and I cannot in good conscience support a reconciliation in this instance.
I think if you can do the work and heal from this abusive relationship, you will experience TRUE love with a healthy woman.
Steve, if I'm reading the timeline right your W's "epiphany" was on Christmas day or right before. First of all, ACTIONS matter not WORDS. What do her ACTIONS say? She told you she wanted OM gone and for you to move in with her (words), then the next day she posted pics of her and OM on Facebook (actions). So clearly her actions are at direct odds with reconciling. Second of all, people go through all kinds of feely emotions at Christmas-time. They miss their family activities. Her utterly worthless words may very well have been a result of some -temporary- feelings she was going through due to the holidays. You really should continue as if she had never said any of it. It should be water off a duck's back to you.
If she persists with these type of comments, your response should NOT be "well let me think about that" or "that sounds good but this and this need to happen." DO NOT BE WISHY WASHY. Be firm, confident, resolute. Your response should be "No, I am not interested in a relationship with a cheater." PERIOD. Don't negotiate with a terrorist. At this point there is only one path you should even remotely consider to recon and it is this- she's got to change, and she's got to show you change consistently over a long period of time. Months if not a year or more, and that has to happen BEFORE you go out with her a single time. Months of her working on herself, going to therapy, doing some soul-searching, not dating, focusing on being a fantastic mother, repenting of her ways. IF you see months and months of real change, THEN you might consider going out. And I absolutely do not mean "let's move in together and start dating" as she suggested, that is beyond absurd. I mean you maintain your own separate lives and go out with her once a week to see where things go.
Steve, like an addict you need to go through withdrawals and recovery. Right now you're still addicted to her, you need to wean yourself off. The only way you can do that is to go as dark as you can, keep all discussions to kids and bills. Once you recover, THEN you can determine if you want a R with her, and I have a strong feeling you will say "nope".
Originally Posted by Steve_
To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, it’s okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that I’m seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isn’t the case. That’s all it is.
You should print this out and keep it in your wallet as a reminder! You are exactly right.
I have to post this I did so good man I impressed myself! Finally! First off the sister and and BFF called me today and said her sister is pretty much a dumbass that needs therapy. Lmao that felt good.
Second she “kicked him out and his mom and kids” huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didn’t even see it until 2 hours later. And didn’t respond.
She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but she’s in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument I’m not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.
When I picked them up she said “well that’s that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, I’m moving back to my moms” I told her “sorry It didn’t work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get used” I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her “see you later” and turned around and left her staying there crying.
I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
A follow up. Do I love her Yes, I really do, do I feel bad for her, in a way sure. But do I feel like a stupid idiot when I lower myself to useless, yep and I’m not doing that. Over this 3 months I’ve felt really good, I’ve got my stuff together, got my own place, had multiple women come after me that I turned down or friend zoned, focused on my kids and they love me more than ever. I’m not letting her mistake take away the work I did on me. I see that I am still in love with my wife but.. I do love myself too. And that is a really good feeling. The ball is actually In my court now, and everything we all saw coming happened, so glad I never have to feel like and idiot sandwich like she does. Keeping my chin up and my mind right I’ll post here before I do anything.
Oh and the lawyer did say she is delaying the divorce on purpose. But at this time it’s a fart in the wind. Ok going fishing tomorrow that’s what’s on my mind. And I’m rocking a bit of a validated smile tonight to be honest.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
You’re mistaking love for addiction. Also, you don’t love yourself because if you did you would never consider taking her back. You are not focusing on your kids you are 100% focused on her. So she lied again the divorce hasn’t been stopped. Im sorry there is absolutely nothing to see here.
Nothing has changed you are both people of words and no actions.
I have to post this I did so good man I impressed myself! Finally! First off the sister and and BFF called me today and said her sister is pretty much a dumbass that needs therapy. Lmao that felt good.
Second she “kicked him out and his mom and kids” huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didn’t even see it until 2 hours later. And didn’t respond.
She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but she’s in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument I’m not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.
When I picked them up she said “well that’s that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, I’m moving back to my moms” I told her “sorry It didn’t work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get used” I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her “see you later” and turned around and left her staying there crying.
I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.
Not bad. However, yes you said too much again. Plus you lied. You aren't sorry it didn't work out for her! Other than that, yes this is really good.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She filed in October, I signed it all. It was amicable, no alimony, no spousal support and fixed 1,000 a month child support. She can’t come after my retirement or anything, All in all it was decent for me legally.
Steve,
Just a heads up on this... I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?
You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.
From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..
Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
She filed in October, I signed it all. It was amicable, no alimony, no spousal support and fixed 1,000 a month child support. She can’t come after my retirement or anything, All in all it was decent for me legally.
Steve,
Just a heads up on this... I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?
You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.
From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..
Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !
While maddening, this is unfortunately how western societies have set this up. Steve_, I know you have a lawyer, right? Just to make sure you get the best settlement possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good job on not falling for her tricks. You still said too much though. The whole "sorry it didn't work out. I could always see through him" stuff was pointless. Here's what you need to be ready for next...
She's going to continue the crying and I miss you stuff because it has always worked in the past. You need to stick to your guns. Eventually, she's going to see this isnt working and move to the next phase. When her tricks don't work, she's going to get MAD. It's going to switch over to "I was right about you the whole time. You don't care about me. If you did, you would want to work on us. You're a selfish a-hole. I was right for leaving you". Then your brain is going to panic thinking this is the last chance, that maybe she has changed, and you're going to want to take the bait. Don't do it. Her gloves are coming off and it's going to get messy. You only have one goal though. Eyes closed, head down, and move forward. Nothing she says means anything. It's all about Steve and the kids. Don't let her weasel her way back in and screw it up...
Have fun fishing with the kids! i hope you catch some big ones!...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
