Plan of Action for the Husband with a Wayward Wife
Following the initial bomb drop or discovery of an affair, you will be highly stressed and emotionally vulnerable. You will be in a state of reaction for a period of time, which places your decisions and behavior at risk. This emotional state can leave you experiencing waves of various feelings and moods. The natural reaction is usually to secure the relationship ASAP. However, nothing will immediately result in your favor until you can reach stability and have clarity in your own head.
I. Accept what you cannot control or change.
A. Accept that you cannot control your wife’s feelings, decisions, or actions.
B. Accept the fact that the bomb was not your wayward wife’s way of warning you that the marriage was in trouble. She was not trying to wake you in order to work on the marriage. It was her way of telling you it is too late and she is done with it. Do not act upon your urges to plead with her for another chance. Do not try to prove how much you love her. This is not the time. She doesn’t want it and will reject it.
C. Accept that no matter how badly you wish to correct your faults in the marriage and only want a chance to prove yourself as a better husband, she has moved past that point.
D. Accept the painful fact that your WW does not want to work on the MR. She does not feel in love with you, and is not the same person you married.
E. Accept that your WW is not going to snap back into the wife and mother that she was in the past. This is not going to be a short run. She has to go through a process, and there is no snapping back into normality.
F. Accept that you will not be able to control the lives of your children when they are with her. You will not be able to prevent her from introducing them to whomever she wishes, including her affair partner.
G. Accept the fact that you are the only person you can control.
II. Regain mental stability and clarity.
A. Let go of the fear of upsetting her. She has expressed her loss of happiness and love, and is considering a separation or divorce. At this point, she has fired you as her husband. Begin thinking of your WW and yourself as two entities.
B. Break your habit of rescuing her. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or fix things for her. Allow her to deal with consequences of her behavior and decisions. Stop putting forth effort to be her husband, in the practical sense.
C. Do not lie to cover up for her. This is her mess and her responsibility to clean it up. She will have to deal with the fallout without you recuing her.
D. Let go of your habit of over explaining or giving an account to your wife.
E. Do not make any rash decisions. Whatever decisions you are thinking about, run it by the DB board or your confidant, to get an unbiased opinion. You are vulnerable to your emotions.
F. Do not be concerned about what she thinks of you or your decisions/actions during this period. Whenever you catch yourself worrying what she thinks of your actions or reactions, remember your goal is to get your mind and emotions to a place of stability and clarity. As long as you are focused on what she thinks or feels, you aren’t focused on your goal.
III. Proactive steps
A. Separate yourself from the emotional drama of the WW. Put space between you and your WW. Do not engage in relationship discussions. Don’t try to secure the relationship by getting a commitment from your W. During this period, do not make any promises or agree to any changes that will directly affect your future. Do not talk about your feelings for her, or tell her you don’t want a D and how committed you are to saving the M.
B. Follow the 37 rules that are pertinent to your situation.
C. Focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing. Gather reading material, confide in someone who is professionally bound to confidentiality, meditate, take alone time outside with nature, listen to motivational tapes, post on the DB board, and listen to music that energizes you. Socialize with positive people, and those who honestly love you. Don’t seek communication, solace, or advice with her circle of friends or relatives. Stay off Face Book and other social media types. Take exceptional care of your physical wellness. It is not a sign of weakness to take medication, if needed. Talk to the man in the mirror every morning while shaving. You need to be his best friend.
D. Seek legal counsel to know your rights and where you will stand financially, should you divorce, pay child support, seek custody, etc. Learn what steps to take in protecting yourself in these areas, and anything else.
E. In cases of separation, have a child care/visitation schedule for the parents.
F. GAL!
G. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Stop being a pushover, and stand up for yourself. Appeasing a WW does not score brownie points.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/05/2110:06 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's a fantastic outline/summary. Thanks for taking the time to share, great read. It seems like one to bookmark or add to Ready2Change's "Quotes Found on DivorceBusting" threads!C
Last edited by Cadet; 01/05/2110:04 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
B. Accept the fact that the bomb was not your wayward wife’s way of warning you that the marriage was in trouble. She was not trying to wake you in order to work on the marriage. It was her way of telling you it is too late and she is done with it. Do not act upon your urges to plead with her for another chance. Do not try to prove how much you love her. This is not the time. She doesn’t want it and will reject it.
SUCH A GREAT POINT. I know I struggled with this. I see other LBHs really struggling with this. The time to "fix" the marriage was up to two years prior! By time the WAW/WW gets up the nerve to blow things up, it is too late at that point. Which is why becoming super-Husband has little to no chance of working, even though that is the instinctual and intuitive response.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/05/2110:04 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SUCH A GREAT POINT. I know I struggled with this. I see other LBHs really struggling with this. The time to "fix" the marriage was up to two years prior! By time the WAW/WW gets up the nerve to blow things up, it is too late at that point. Which is why becoming super-Husband has little to no chance of working, even though that is the instinctual and intuitive response.
This really is a good point. It takes a little while to understand this because oftentimes the BD is a surprise to the LBH, while the WW has been thinking about doing this for a considerable time. There is little room for negotiation at this point. It's a huge bummer to realize this, but it is essential so that you can move on.
Originally Posted by sandi
C. Focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing. Gather reading material, confide in someone who is professionally bound to confidentiality, meditate, take alone time outside with nature, listen to motivational tapes, post on the DB board, and listen to music that energizes you. Socialize with positive people, and those who honestly love you. Don’t seek communication, solace, or advice with her circle of friends or relatives. Stay off Face Book and other social media types. Take exceptional care of your physical wellness. It is not a sign of weakness to take medication, if needed. Talk to the man in the mirror every morning while shaving. You need to be his best friend.
I like the social media advice. It is very very tempting to go spy on your WW's social media... I did it. She never unfriended me. She almost relished in the idea that I could see the things she was doing with the OM. It hurt me a WHOLE lot.
My suggestion for social media is to post a positive and smiling profile picture of yourself, and then log out until you heal up some. Don't post anything that hints at any kind of marital issues. Don't dog your WW out on social media, don't start a GoFundMe for your legal defense, seek any kind of attention, or ANYTHING like that. She and her friends and her OM are going to be stalking your profile. Your marriage is now a divorce, which is a very public business transaction. Stay professional at all times. Post a smiling profile picture, set your profile to private, and then log out and go radio silent on social media. Do NOT EVER stalk her social media. It will only hurt you constantly.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/06/2101:00 PM.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Great post. Hit every event that occurred and is still occurring. Now she’s leaning to recon at her pace. Its actually laughable how she actually things she even slightly deserves me. A WW is the epitome of selfishness and arrogance. I hope she emotionally burns for what she did, and until I smell the sizzling regret I won’t lift a damn finger for her. Tired of being captain NGS.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
