This is definitely where I have struggled - especially when it is obvious it is intentional. I need to find that happy medium where I actually am detached and don't need to think about if/when I should respond. Right now it feels more manipulative because I am not there yet.
This stuff is not easy! Don't expect to be a DB'ing master right away, it takes time. You'll get the hang of it.
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As long as she's on dating sites I can't open myself up like she says she wants me to.
I forgot to clarify earlier when I was talking about listening and validating, I did not mean to do what she says. It's all about letting her know that you acknowledge her feelings and that you consider them valid. But certainly as Mach1 has stated, opening up to her and being vulnerable is NOT on the table. So she says she wants you to be vulnerable, you listen, you empathize, then you set it aside. I mean to be honest she's just blowing smoke up your skirt. This is just another WAS excuse for not wanting to get back together. "We'll never be able to fix this because you don't do A, B, C and D". It's WAS script, moving targets. You do A, B, C and D and then suddenly it's E, F, G and H that are deal-killers for her.
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She's getting her cake and eating it too while I'm over here eating sh!t sandwiches.
Yup. If I had a dollar for every poop sandwich I consumed thanks to my XW I'd be wealthy indeed I think most here can say the same!
This is definitely where I have struggled - especially when it is obvious it is intentional. I need to find that happy medium where I actually am detached and don't need to think about if/when I should respond. Right now it feels more manipulative because I am not there yet.
This stuff is not easy! Don't expect to be a DB'ing master right away, it takes time. You'll get the hang of it.
Quote
As long as she's on dating sites I can't open myself up like she says she wants me to.
I forgot to clarify earlier when I was talking about listening and validating, I did not mean to do what she says. It's all about letting her know that you acknowledge her feelings and that you consider them valid. But certainly as Mach1 has stated, opening up to her and being vulnerable is NOT on the table. So she says she wants you to be vulnerable, you listen, you empathize, then you set it aside. I mean to be honest she's just blowing smoke up your skirt. This is just another WAS excuse for not wanting to get back together. "We'll never be able to fix this because you don't do A, B, C and D". It's WAS script, moving targets. You do A, B, C and D and then suddenly it's E, F, G and H that are deal-killers for her.
Quote
She's getting her cake and eating it too while I'm over here eating sh!t sandwiches.
Yup. If I had a dollar for every poop sandwich I consumed thanks to my XW I'd be wealthy indeed I think most here can say the same!
Salt, AS is dead on, as usual here. Committing to DBing is the key. Making mistakes while DBing is almost a guarantee. The posters we see here that do well are the ones that learn from the mistakes. The ones that struggle are the ones that make excuses as to why DBing will not work. Probably the DB component that gets the most excuses is GAL. And I maintain that in my own experience proved how important it is. I struggled the most when I wasn't busy.
Salty, I see t that you are doing better with GAL. Keep that up and you'll get better at detaching as you go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You will do the things that I have done that did not help in any manner:
Overthink everything she says/does Try to mind read her words/actions Try to put yourself in her shoes and figure out what it means. Blame yourself. Take good advice and toss it out the window. Bring up the R too much. Be too available. Apologize for everything. Wallow in self-hate, regret, what-ifs, and fear of loss.
This is all a completely normal response to losing an attachment. These things are programmed into us as children with our caregivers and are part of survivability. But they are NOT good measure for DB. You will do them, every single human does. What you must do is identify that you WILL do them, allow yourself to not beat yourself down when you do, and just do better the next time. You will get there.
Remember every time you get emotional, needy, want to talk or any of that your appearing annoying, weak and pathetic, unless that is how you want her to see you as a man, don't do that.
Hang in there brother.
Last edited by Steve_; 12/24/2012:22 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So made it through Xmas for the kids - actually pulled it off nicely. I had a moment of weakness in the middle of opening presents where I started getting teared up thinking this is probably the last Xmas we'll have together as a family. Get to the end of the night and we're in bed. I think she assumed I was asleep or just didn't care but she was texting someone. I asked and after some initial deflection she says it is the OM. I get angry, she gets defensive "I can't tell my friends merry Christmas?" and I leave the room for a while to cool off. When I come back she's obviously still texting and I tell her this isn't working for me and that I can't meet her needs if she's going to continue talking to him and being on dating sites. She denies a PA but admits to EA. She also says she hasn't gone on any dates but is talking to people and it is nice to be flattered and feels good. I say some more things when I should've just shut up but I was too angry to keep my mouth shut and eventually she leaves to go stay at the studio. So now I'm just angry and tired of this sh!t.
So it’s about respect and right now she has none for you.
How do you start to get respect back? With boundaries. Right now you have none.
So a couple things you need to know right now. The person who cares the least about the relationship is in control. There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to stop sleeping with other men.
Sorry man. Been there done that. Didn't like it. One thing I learned in my sitch is that rarely are good decisions made when you're emotional. Take some time to process all of this and to calm down. When you're thinking rationally again things will become clearer. I think her going to the studio was the best outcome for the night.
Hang in there man, you'll be alright.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/26/2005:33 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How do you start to get respect back? With boundaries. Right now you have none.
Yup. That is true.
Originally Posted by LH19
So a couple things you need to know right now. The person who cares the least about the relationship is in control.
Sad thing is I find myself caring less and less. Maybe it is denial or just the anger talking but instead of being focused on ways to get her back, I'm focused on ways to tell her to f-off.
Sorry man. Been there done that. Didn't like it. One thing I learned in my sitch is that rarely are good decisions made when you're emotional. Take some time to process all of this and to calm down. When you're thinking rationally again things will become clearer. I think her going to the studio was the best outcome for the night.
Hang in there man, you'll be alright.
Yeah, and it was an emotional day on a bunch of levels, I had too much wine, on top of the elephant in the room - it was a perfect storm. I didn't do any begging, pleading, or apologizing. At some points she tried to make small jokes to lighten the mood but then saw the look on my face and would say "stop glaring at me.."
At least tomorrow at this time I'll be OMW to the coast and 3 days of nothing but GAL.
How do you start to get respect back? With boundaries. Right now you have none.
Yup. That is true.
Originally Posted by LH19
So a couple things you need to know right now. The person who cares the least about the relationship is in control.
Sad thing is I find myself caring less and less. Maybe it is denial or just the anger talking but instead of being focused on ways to get her back, I'm focused on ways to tell her to f-off.
The hardest thing for the LBS to realize is that they can do absolutely nothing to get them back. That ship has sailed.
Learning to control your emotions is an attractive trait and something you can focus.
I think most here can say the same!