I think its healthier for me to fill the whole weekend with healthy activities as opposed to not doing it for two total hours I would get to kind of see the kids.
And I thought, right on, Scott! You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Your kids need you to be mentally healthy and happy far more than they need to kind of see you for a couple of hours. This is one of those "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" situations. Don't feel guilty. He'll have plenty of games.
Re-read that sentence you wrote over and over if you need to. This is the right call and your path to healing and growth. Have an amazing weekend (and let us know what it is like!!)
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Leave it blank, do nothing. I find it odd that grown adults would want to announce anything on facebook really. My H just changed his fb status to in a relationship....i should add and married too. Last time i updated my fb was erm 2013 maybe.
So I got to my spiritual retreat and found out that it was silent. Which meant that I was going to learn stuff but in between there was no talking and no noise. I turned off my cell phone all weekend as well.
In the downtime, I prayed and I cried. Not sobbing, but just tears rolling down my cheeks. I teared up at Mass, during spiritual counseling, on walks, and in prayer. I've never cried so much. By end of day Saturday I was exhausted from the release of all the emotions. In my spiritual counseling sessions both priests echoed a lot of the sentiments here. From the conversations I surmised that this divorce has very little to do with me at this point - I don't have a narcistic personality disorder, I'm not controlling or manipulative, etc. I'm a good man. I may suffer from nice guy syndrome, but I'm a good man.
The men at the retreat kept an all night vigil during adoration, which you could think of as an all night prayer continued from one man to the next if you don't know what it is, I drew 2:30am -3am.
That was the highlight. As I sat in prayer I started writing. And then I had a conversation in my prayer, it felt very spiritual. I was told that I needed to let go and it was okay. That I was okay as I am. That I needed to stop worrying. And that I could give away my pain, I didn't need to carry it around any longer. I was there until about 3:45am. The time went very fast. In that is just a summation of my notes.
Today I took a walk, and as I walked I began to think through all the ways my wife would control and manipulate me, which is funny because I never thought of it in those terms before. She was always keeping tabs on me. I basically had to ask permission to do anything and if I was gone longer than I said it was a major issue, even if it didn't impact anyone else. It was so bad that I was afraid to ask to go anywhere or to do anything.
When I got home from the retreat I had another odd experience. During my "conversation" in prayer, when I felt that I had been told that I was okay as I was, it reminded me of a song by Wyclef called Take Me As I Am. Its one of my favorites. At home, I was doubting my experience in prayer and I was telling myself that it didn't happen. At that moment I turned on my Pandora and that song, Take Me As I Am came on. I stopped cold, got chills, and then fell to my knees, very emotional.
It was a very spiritual weekend.
I'm glad I wrote down the prayer conversation I had as it happened and I'll use it as a guide for myself. I'm hopeful that this can be a turning point for me as I continue to work to move forward.
I also want to thank everyone here for your continued support. Without you I know I would not be doing as well as I am. Thank you.
I was told that I needed to let go and it was okay. That I was okay as I am. That I needed to stop worrying. And that I could give away my pain, I didn't need to carry it around any longer.
I think the fear of letting go of the MR is one of the hardest things we have to do. I was told "your MR is dead" so many times. Once I accepted that my M was dead - the fear was gone and I could start living. It was a big shift in my healing. I pray the same for you.
Originally Posted by ScottB
as I walked I began to think through all the ways my wife would control and manipulate me, which is funny because I never thought of it in those terms before. She was always keeping tabs on me. I basically had to ask permission to do anything and if I was gone longer than I said it was a major issue, even if it didn't impact anyone else. It was so bad that I was afraid to ask to go anywhere or to do anything.
Sometimes we gloss over it to the point we forget the realty of our MR's. I didn't dwell on the bad parts of my M, but I had to get to a point where I was honest with myself about the parts that were unacceptable to me.
Letting go of the fantasy helps. Gives us a realistic picture going forward. Sounds like you are doing a lot of introspection.
Also - fantastic on the bike trip! Sounds fun!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Today I took a walk, and as I walked I began to think through all the ways my wife would control and manipulate me, which is funny because I never thought of it in those terms before. She was always keeping tabs on me. I basically had to ask permission to do anything and if I was gone longer than I said it was a major issue, even if it didn't impact anyone else. It was so bad that I was afraid to ask to go anywhere or to do anything.
So this is where your transformation begins. Most of us have been there. We believed we were behaving the right way. Time to behave different. Time to interact different.
This is a perfect example of good interaction from you:
Originally Posted by LH19
"No I have a previous engagement. "
You are always busy. During this phase of the process, you do not share details. If she tries to get info, you deflect.
Your life should not revolve around someone else's. Make it the other way around. Attract others into your Frame.
Wrapping your head around your parenting responsibilities during this process is also important. duckduckgo "Parenting with Love and Logic".
I was alternating between parenting books and self improvement books.
You are moving in the right direction.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C - I agree that recalling all the negatives and remembering the relationship through the appropriate lens is where this transformation will happen.
I had the kids the last two days and the time flew by. I can't believe I don't have them for the next two days already, just crazy. We had a lot of fun but it went fast.
And with my STBXW, I can manage it as long as I don't see her. I saw her today and I don't know what you want to call it, emotional connection or chemistry or whatever, but when I see her I just feel love for her. I hate it.
I played it cool today. I didn't temperature check. I imagine she is being nicer because she is feeling that I'm moving on and I shouldn't read into it at all.
Example: My son has a gluten allergy and I was looking for flour for him but couldn't find any. She bought some for me and gave it to me today. That is also the first time that I've pulled up to her house and she walked out and was nice.
I think if LH and Steve were watching me day to day they would tell me to keep doing my own think, to continue to work to detach, and to stop texting her. Over the past couple of days she has texted me related to the kids or different things and I've replied with an answer and then with a video or picture of the kids snowboarding as we've gone and they have really improved.
Tomorrow we have another mediation session. I'm not looking forward to that at all.
Just a minor word of caution. It sounds like she is moving to the next phase of WAS where she now wants to be BFFs with you. Being friend-zoned by someone that you have romantic feelings for is one of the worst feelings you can experience. They have one goal, to keep you in place in their life as a friend. So they will even dangle carrots of romance in front of you to keep you "interested", all while having the goal of remaining in a platonic relationship. If you want to be friends with her, then have at it. But I fear that you will see friendship as a stepping stone to the next level, and am afraid you would be setback when that never comes to fruition. So just decide what you want, and realize that you cannot nice her back into another R with you.
Stay strong!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I played it cool today. I didn't temperature check. I imagine she is being nicer because she is feeling that I'm moving on and I shouldn't read into it at all.
What does a typical temperature check look like to you?
Originally Posted by ScottB
Example: My son has a gluten allergy and I was looking for flour for him but couldn't find any. She bought some for me and gave it to me today. That is also the first time that I've pulled up to her house and she walked out and was nice.
She is doing this more for your son and I get the sense she doesn't exactly respect your parenting abilities.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I think if LH and Steve were watching me day to day they would tell me to keep doing my own think, to continue to work to detach, and to stop texting her. Over the past couple of days she has texted me related to the kids or different things and I've replied with an answer and then with a video or picture of the kids snowboarding as we've gone and they have really improved.
Steve said it all right here. If you want to be friends with her, then have at it. But I fear that you will see friendship as a stepping stone to the next level, and am afraid you would be setback when that never comes to fruition. So just decide what you want, and realize that you cannot nice her back into another R with you. You are going to get kicked it the nuts when OM shows up.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Tomorrow we have another mediation session. I'm not looking forward to that at all.
Sending videos of the kids puts you in FZ. Do you want to be her friend or her lover? If you become her lover again, then sending her videos of the kids is fine.
She is the one that wanted a 50/50 parenting plan. Not you. But part of your job is to give her natural consequences of her choices. Missing 50% of the kids experiences.
I believe you are using the wrong measuring stick.
Originally Posted by ScottB
she walked out and was nice.
You are using HER behavior.
The measuring stick should be YOUR behavior. IE "Did I respond/interact with her the way I WANTED/NEEDED to?"
Did I stand up to her? Did I not get manipulated? Did I act like LH19 would? Did I validate like Coach would? Did I call her out on her BS in an effective way?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C - Yes, you are right. Giving her the consequence of the 50/50 parenting plan makes sense. I am obviously trying to nice her back as you pointed out because it feels good.
I haven't felt manipulated recently. I haven't dealt with any new BS, but that will probably come tomorrow. I think I'm doing pretty good work overall but I am holding on and struggling to let go. I continue to tell myself to let go, but its not easy.
I'll see her Friday at my son's lacrosse, I'll get there first and I'll sit with a friend of mine that she doesn't like. She'll keep her distance. My friend and I will have fun at the game. It will be interesting to see what my daughter does, I imagine she'll feel like she's in the middle if we aren't sitting next to each other.
And LH is right, while I'm all BFFing I will be destroyed if that's what I do and she shows up with an OM.
