Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

Journaling

Weird day. It's snowing. I live in the US (southern state). I took my grandsons home after a sleepover. They didn't have coats etc. so I had to get them back before the roads possibly closed. (We are not equipped for snow here.)

On the drive to pick them up, I was pulling into a gas station and I saw XH drive by headed toward my apartment.

I had a feeling I would pass him. (These are strange. I don't question them.)

I had just a moment of a feeling deep down - butterflies - and then it passed. I thought "He looks angry. He's headed to OW's house". The fact that he was headed to see her didn't bother me. It seems it is just the new normal. My stomach is still a little wonky but nothing like those early days of BD.

She lives nearby me in a neighborhood. Ironic. I leave the ranch only to see him headed to see her. God has an amazing way of things.


When I saw my eldest during the pickup he said that his dad was "probing" and asking a lot of questions from all of them about what they believed about his GF. (3 sons and DIL after other DIL ripped him apart on the phone several days ago)

DIL said that he came to see her at work to ask her what she new.

I realized that I'm so thankful not to have to live in the chaos anymore.

I've been reading different sitches here and I'm just pained at how awful people can be to one another.

If you are new, know that you will be stronger if you focus on your journey and leave them to theirs.

I have been slowly realizing that I am so much better without all the chaos surrounding my XH. He invites it. His choices are those of quick fixes and plaster. (women, drinking, spending)

I used to listen to anyone who wanted to tell me things he has said. I've since asked people to not repeat any conversations he has with them.

I remember our marriage differently. There was a before and after. I don't know if he changed or his mask was just on for the first 13 years. I know that 11 of those years were devastating to us both. I know it doesn't matter who he was, I divorced the man he is today. I like how DnJ has it to W and XW. It is exactly like there were two people (MLC sometimes more during replay).

I've gone through a great deal of unimaginable pain - particularly in the beginning. But I have healed considerably and continue to heal. I've grown. I leaned into my faith, family and friends.

XH isolated from faith, family and friends. And I have witnessed first hand how much longer and deeper his pain is and goes. With no relief in sight.

I pray for my X today and feel compassion for the havoc he has wrought on himself. And he did bring it upon himself. Knowing that is what makes me think "how awful to be him".

I don't know when/if I will become angry. I don't think I necessarily need to although I have had moments, most of my feelings are just pity towards him.

He hates himself. I would too if I were him.
I'm me, though. So I will love him from a very safe distance and keep moving forward toward my new life.

[97Hope]

I just made a snow angel!! Reminded of growing up in NY. I needed that.

Took a deep gulp of the ice cold air and smiled from ear to ear. Went for a nice long walk and feel refreshed.


Christian perspective:

God delivered manna to the Israelites as they left Egypt, but they complained because they missed the lavish dinners there. The problem was that they were slaves! But that didn't stop them from moaning and groaning about leaving it behind. God promised them a land of milk and honey. They yearned for the captivity they knew.

I thought about this today. When I get to thinking about my old MR and what it truly was - I have to remember it realistically. I can't yearn for those years behind me. As I have gone through the tapes, I realized that it was a terrible MR. I was cheated on multiple times. I was lied to repeatedly. My X claimed that I was controlling because I didn't accept that he was texting his subordinates at work inappropriately. I didn't like that he flirted with anything and everything...


deep breath...

Today I was given such great manna. Snow and the ability to laugh in the snow.

On to my own land of milk and honey. Right now it's my beautiful little apartment - safe, clean, calm.
Later, perhaps, a new R of some type. But now I know my worth. It came at a heck of a price. I won't waste it.

...I would not have minded a companion to play in the snow with me, but I did enjoy being a kid again.

[Traveler]

I love it, 97Hope.. what an inspiring snippet of what a day of GAL can be like!

[97Hope]

Hiya Warrior!! I was just reading some comments you left on other's posts. Your journey has inspired me, for sure! I am jealous of your adventures! I spent 3 months in Kyrgyzstan and fell in love with hiking! It is flat flat flat where I live lol.

Yes, today was a GAL success and it came out of nowhere. Unexpected blessing.

I'm relaxing in a warm apartment and can hear my youngest playing a video game.

Sweet day. Thanks for checking in. x

[Mar252]

Hope,

I also have such love for my X it's amazing. It's not the same. I'll try to explain. I love him enough to leave him to his journey. I love him enough to be kind in my thoughts and prayers for him. I love him enough to let him go. I don't want anything from him. I don't want to see or speak to him, but if/when I see him for family events - I can be kind.

These are the exact sentiments I am striving for. I sincerely love my W and believe I always will. Your strength has been an inspiration.

Mar

[97Hope]

Sweet Mar,

I thought about you this morning on my walk.

I was scared of always loving my X. I sat with this thought and was going down a thinking trail on that when I remembered a convo I had with an old friend. He had called me when he heard I was getting a divorce.

He cheated on his wife and they divorced. He wanted to work it out, she didn't. She left him and she has since moved on. They divorced about 2 years ago.

He said that the most loving thing I could do for my X was to let him go. Ok, I knew this already, but he said "Hope, you can love him until the day you die, but this is what loving him looks like. Letting him go."

When put like that, all the guilt and anxiety just faded away. Especially coming from the "other side".

Trying to not love him wasn't the point. My healing and moving forward was. Whether or not I still loved X didn't and couldn't determine my next steps.

The reality was - he was no longer my H and I had a life to live.

I know you will be ok. We are here for you.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Had a very uneventful day. Obviously spent a lot of time here.

When I first found this site, I was looking to save my marriage. When that looked hopeless, and as I began DBing, I came back for the support and friendship.

Now, as I read - I see so many people taking a simply horrific, awful situation and growing from it. Coming out the other side (if there is such a thing) stronger, with more compassion, better coping skills, ambitions that they thought they had lost. I see stories of courage and hope in dark times. I see others lifting each other up and holding them accountable.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your lives.

I don't know where I would be without you.

[97Hope]

Pretty uneventful day except I cried all the way home.

Baby steps some days.

I went to my new place of employment to handle some administrative work. I start officially on the 25th.

I don't know what happened. I was in the car headed home and it just hit me. For the past 3 1/2 years I have stood. It was lonely. It was hard. Of course I could have dated or found someone to keep the wolves at bay, but I didn't.
I was a faithful wife and a good friend.

I don't regret it. Just painful right now.
I know this will pass. I know I did the right thing. I know so much more than I did at the beginning of this journey...just hurts like heck.

"Hope does not put us to shame" ...my therapist reminded me of this years ago. I was slightly embarrassed by having hope for so long.
I'm not ashamed now. Just deeply sad.

IC appointment next Thursday. STI screen later this week.

I know that grief comes and goes. And I affirm that the waves are smaller, less intense, and less frequent than in the past.

I'm grateful for that - just feel raw tonight.

I know that once I start work I will be in a better place emotionally.

Signed up for a hike this Saturday. Women's group. Probably safer.

I'm so lonely I'd probably scare away any men at this point. rawr.

[Mar252]

((Hope))

Sending you much love and hugs. The loneliness is what scares me the most about my future. I feel you.

Mar

[97Hope]

Thanks sweet (((Mar)))) I so appreciate the love and hugs.

But I should clarity.....

When I say 'lonely' - I really mean the absence of physical touch in my life.

During my training - one of the instructors was demonstrating how to properly search a female. I was the 'dummy'.

He felt me up one side and down the next and I swear I was ready to take him home!! LOL
Not in a sexual way necessarily - I just realized that I missed feeling a man's touch. I miss having a hug or a cuddle, holding hands, feeling a hand on the small of my back....you know.

So it was really in jest that I mentioned how lonely I was and that it would scare most men off (rawr)...

I've not been 'emotionally' lonely as I keep myself surrounded by a very close, albeit small, circle of trusted friends.

You will be ok. Kick fear in the teeth. You will find strength you didn't know you had. Loneliness to me, emotionally, is a sign that I need to reach out.

I've gotten very comfortable with my own company - I think God prepared me in many ways for that.

Thank you so much for your concern!! x