I do feel blessed to have kept the house. It may have some memories in it, but it also just feels like home. The house she bought, which was more expensive, is about half the size but in a better location. I can't imagine how much worse I would feel if I didn't have my home.
The house was a big deal to me. I am so glad that that was one point that I was not willing to negotiate on. I may have done the whole begging and pleading thing, but me leaving the house was NEVER an option I offered to her. I didn't leave the house nor the master bedroom nor the bed. I told her I didn't care whether she slept next to me or in another bedroom or on the couch or outside, I wasn't leaving. I told her that if SHE was going to leave then I wouldn't stop her. Told her I would rather she stay and work on the M, but if leaving was what she wanted then I would support her decision. She later came back and said "why do I have to be the one to leave?" I told her because she was the one breaking up the marriage, not me. That was the last time she said anything about it. She was gone about a month later.
I'm an architect and have done a lot of work on the house, so it's more than just 4 walls to me. Plus it's full of family memories and despite the D I do still love those memories. It's my place of refuge, it's where my kids grew up, it's a very meaningful place. I've been there 23 years now. It was paid off before BD, unfortunately I had to take out a new loan on it to pay my XW for her half of it but I have zero regrets. Actually the value of it has gone up another 100k since the D so I made out pretty well as it turns out.
LH - I've done a lot of vision type work for my life in the past and you're right, being a great husband and a great father and what my plans looked like to execute that were at the top. I need to re-dream a future and change what it looks like.
Steve85 - I've thought a lot about getting a pet but I don't want to have to take care of something else right now. I like the freedom of not having to worry about a pet. My daughter does have fish, but I don't think that's what you're talking about.
AS - I said the same thing. Thanks for sharing. ------------------ Last night I went to a men's group that was really good. Solid guys. Its a low key bible study, which I also think is healthy. It kept me out until 9:30pm, made for good company and filled an evening. They meet every other week so that will be a great help on my quest to fill time.
Tonight I leave for a 3 day spiritual retreat. I'm feeling a little guilty because I'm going to miss my son's first ever lacrosse game. Its a very casual league, but its the kind of thing that I never would have missed in the past. And then I feel a little guilty that I won't see them at church on Sunday like I normally would, but I think its healthier for me to fill the whole weekend with healthy activities as opposed to not doing it for two total hours I would get to kind of see the kids.
I get them back on Monday and we head to ski club so that will be really fun and at that point I will have successfully killed the second 5 day stretch without them.
I'm going to feel guilty again in two weeks when the same thing happens as I'm heading to Florida for five days to hang with parents. ---------------- Yesterday I briefly ran into her at our refinancing of the primary home. She shared that her grandmother who is 90 has Covid, I said I would pray for her. She also let me know that she has a job offer but she's not thrilled with the role. I asked her how she felt about the offer and she implied she was frustrated. It was hard to talk because it was a curbside closing and we were both in our cars. I could have asked about her feelings with her grandmother but forget to validate and go there on that one. She didn't ask anything about me, so I didn't share.
Tonight she did email to ask if I was going to be at my sons lacrosse game and I simply said no. I'm not sure whether or not the kids told her where I'm going, they both know.
After that interaction I went back to my office to finalize my P&L for the year, which the attorney's need to value my business. I also wrote out a narrative of how my business works, the different cash flows, and worked to establish a valuation for my business that they can review. I had been dreading working on that and I was proud of myself that I was able to focus, get it done, and that it didn't send me down an emotional spiral.
I was also glad I was able to work on it after seeing her and that she didn't send me down an emotional spiral either.
Scott, completely understand. I have 3 furry family members and they do require quite a bit of care. I have just been thinking about what LBSs could do to help their kids with the transition. Kids love animals. But certainly a fish counts!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yesterday I briefly ran into her at our refinancing of the primary home. She shared that her grandmother who is 90 has Covid, I said I would pray for her. She also let me know that she has a job offer but she's not thrilled with the role. I asked her how she felt about the offer and she implied she was frustrated. It was hard to talk because it was a curbside closing and we were both in our cars. I could have asked about her feelings with her grandmother but forget to validate and go there on that one. She didn't ask anything about me, so I didn't share.
Good job on not letting the interactions and the valuation get you emotional! That is progress on detachment! Dealing with her in a business like manner is what detachment is all about. So good job.
Slight adjustment on the quote above. "I could have asked about her feelings with her grandmother" Listening and validating is NOT about asking her about her feelings. That from her perspective is pressure. However IF she starts to share feelings about it of her own volition, then you have the opportunity to validate her feelings. Do not try to create opportunities.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 - Interesting perspective. For my retreat I brought my book, The Art of Listenning and I'll read up on that. That has been my guide as I've tried to improve my listening and validation skills. I can see where that could be seen as pressure.
To be on the same page regarding the kids, we agreed and told the kids that we both could be at the kids sports/activities. I just want to make sure that is still clear. I hope you aren’t not coming to Son's first Lacrosse game because it is “my” day.
Do I reply to that? She doesn't know I'm going on my retreat.
And it may seem silly, but her emailing me and then emailing her back really spiked my anxiety. It came right after I got off a call with a client who is getting divorced (a woman). It seems like everyone in my world is getting divorced right now. This woman, she was the WAW. Her husband is a loser, so I can't blame her. But her reasons for leaving were similar to my wife's and it was a little like PTSD.
And then I get that email from my wife. And then I start feeling guilty because I'm going to miss my son's game. Anyhow, I hope I have a good weekend, but the last 2 hours were unsettling. I know its a process.
