Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

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We have 3 grown sons and 3 grandsons and another grand on the way due in July.

The older 2 sons are writing him off and have said that they refuse to let J near them or the grands.

The youngest - 19 - has decided to stand by his dad's side until he has proof otherwise. (proof that he began the affair before the separation, I think.)

I respect his decision although I don't like it.

Mainly because that's what I did for 3 years and I know how bad it hurts..but then I started thinking about it all and I'm glad I gave XH benefit of the doubt. He violated my trust but that's on HIM. I can live with myself and have peace because until I had undeniable proof I honored my vows and commitment.

Now the big debate is "when did they start their R". I don't want anything to do with it. I can't believe this is my life sometimes. But other times I'm content and looking forward to my new career.

I told all of them that I would love and support them no matter what, and that I would respect their boundaries even if I didn't agree with them.

Have been telling them a lot that they are going to make choices that hurt me, but that it's ok. This is hard on everyone and I have my stuff to work through and it won't always be like this.

New level of detachment is necessary for me.

I am praying and working toward getting to the place where his life choices do not shake me anymore. I gave him too much power in the past and made great progress. I'm hoping this is a minor setback. It doesn't feel as deep and acute as the last revelations.

It's hard when you never know what new info you will receive and how it's going to feel.

Managing my emotions was extremely difficult yesterday, today is slightly better.

Thank you Steve for the comment. It is so true. I've seen it time and time again.

I'm tying not to focus on the fact that he is manipulating these kids and getting away with it.

Also needed a reminder that I'm not crazy and not self-doubt. that's a continuous journey.

[97Hope]

Day 3 of feeling like I'm living in a new world. For the past 3 months, since I moved out, I have gotten into a routine and rarely (if at all) thought about X but this new revelation that he has been seeing his AP is what's on my mind first thing in the morning.

I remember after he moved out, I would wake up and my first thought would be "he moved out". Now, it's "they are together and have been together".

Stomach hurts a lot. In past 2 days I've been able to eat a bowl of soup.

Reading through the stories here helps a lot. Feel less alone.

I start my new career in two weeks. I know that will help a great deal. Just need to do everything I can to GAL in the mean time.

Trying to remind myself that it won't always feel like this. I know its true, I've lived through it, just seems like such a crazy unreal universe.

[97Hope]

Now I'm feeling like garbage for even having conversations with my DIL's (23 and 26 y/o). I wish I would have just listened and validated and stayed out of it.

Sitting here, I realize that I MUST avoid any and all drama that XH creates. When unavoidable, I must detach emotionally so that if it's in my atmosphere - it doesn't affect me.

Scheduled an appt. with my IC. Haven't been in more than a year - haven't needed to - but now it's time so I can manage my emotions around this fresh hell and maintain being the sane parent.

[dunnm]

97 you have got this, move forward

Tell us about your GAL activities/ plans?

You have been through it, so what does 2021 have in store for you?

Complete detachment from XH will happen it just (cliche) takes time :-)

((97Hope))

[97Hope]

((dun))) Thank you so much!!

Yes, lol, time helps. Also staying out of the way and focusing on my life. I got sucked in for a hot minute and I will try not to repeat that!

My GAL? Well....I went through 4 months of training to get a new career going for myself. I was the oldest in the class and I'm super proud of myself for making it!

I start my new job on the 25th! My plan is to work there for a year and transfer out to live near my brother.

To make it though, I started training for a 5k last February (before I began the academy). I never did run in an official 5K (covid) but I did run it!!

I am NOT a runner and I don't like it but it was great for my mental wellbeing and I've kept it up (mostly).


My grandsons spent the night with me and we had a ball. Dance party in the living room and movie night.

Went to a paint and drink place and realized I love to paint! I'm not great but it was soothing for my soul.

Not even close to wanting to date, and I'm ok with that.

Love that 22 and a 35 year old asked me out LOL (I'm 46) but I am getting myself fully detached before I throw some poor guy into my life.

IC appointment for Thursday and I'm excited about it.

[97Hope]

"Nothing you leave behind will affect your life significantly"
- my dad

When I moved out of the marital home, I took only what I wanted, loved, and needed for my small 2bdrm apartment. I left behind a massive home. My life is simple and I love it. I focus on the simplicity of not having too much to manage, care for and clean. I can focus on my GAL and other important things.

Be smart about what you take/keep. It's just stuff. I let my atty fight the battle and treated it like a business deal. He advised and I listened. I did my best to keep emotion out of it.

[dunnm]

WOW,

Well done you, new career/job awesome.

re getting a life you appear to be knocking it out of the park.

The young chaps making moves, take it for what it is, you look good (get you girl!), but perhaps wait a bit? Doyou want a relationship or fun?

[97Hope]

I am absolutely waiting! It was just nice to know I have options. Great for my self-esteem which was a bit in the ditch after all of this.

I wouldn't be opposed to having someone to go to events with. Different than a gal pal, but for now I'm content with flying solo.

I think I will know when it's time to date. It's not today.

[Mar252]

{{{Hope}}},

Just finished reading your entire story. I commend you for standing tall for so long. As you know, I have only been separated for 3 months, I am only at the beginning. I gained a tremendous amount of insight from all your posts. I know finding out that your ex-H is and was involved with another W the entire time had thrown you for a loop but please remember that you survived and are better off now.

Mar

[97Hope]

Hi sweet (((Mar))))

I'm still standing, but as DnJ puts it - I'm standing for my own beliefs and values.


I have no regrets with how I chose to stand for my marriage. I have no regrets in honoring my vows and choosing kindness and love. I know deep down I did all I could.

I did what I would have wanted my spouse to do for me if I was going through something.

My X is in great torment. I would have no peace had I went scorched earth from the beginning. I think God had a way to protect me and give me strength to do this with integrity and while I certainly didn't do it perfectly, I have such peace.

I also have such love for my X it's amazing. It's not the same. I'll try to explain. I love him enough to leave him to his journey. I love him enough to be kind in my thoughts and prayers for him. I love him enough to let him go. I don't want anything from him. I don't want to see or speak to him, but if/when I see him for family events - I can be kind.

I couldn't ask for more at this point. Before DB I probably have gone nuts and lost my head and told him what a dirtbag he was and refused to ever see him again. This would have been so much messier for my kids who truly don't deserve any of this!

This whole journey has and is changing me. Like you, I chose and continue to choose: Faith, Hope & Love.