“Daughter really doesn’t want to go to lacrosse tmrw. How would you feel if I didn’t go and she could stay with me?”
Hi Scott,
Does that fall during your custody period or your wife's? If it's hers, "Your custody day. Do what you think's best." If it's your day, "My custody day, so she comes here. She and I will figure it out." Maybe there are some special considerations here? This would be my default if my ex-wife messaged me.
Ginger - First of all, I’m annoyed. She probably told my daughter she would talk to me about it, which makes me the bad guy.
It is my custody day.
Unfortunately because of my wife’s decision the kids lives have to change. I don’t want to set a precedent where my daughter thinks she is going to be able to have mom watch her and then I don’t get to see her. It kind of [censored], my son will probably have 30 baseball games this spring and 10 soccer games.
Also, when I am busy during my time (which I will be) I don’t want my wife trying to pull this in reverse with me.
My concern is I don’t want to punish the kids because they didn’t have anything to do with this, so I’m a bit perplexed.
She probably told my daughter she would talk to me about it, which makes me the bad guy.
It's up to you how much you want to coordinate with your ex. I prefer a simple custody schedule. My kids stay with me on my days. My kids talk to me if they're uncomfortable about something at my home. I do my best. Yes, sometimes S or D was dragged to their sibling's events and had to watch, read, or play games. That's life as a single parent. I didn't think it was a big deal that they had to find a way to entertain themselves. Now, fortunately, they're mature enough to stay home for an hour or two alone.
There's also nothing wrong with being BFFs with your ex-wife. My brother is divorced and he and his wife regularly hang out with his ex-wife and her new husband. They even entered a business together. It took a few years of separation, but it's a cozy arrangement now, with truly no tension between them.
I have been sharing custody for 13 years since my daughter was 6 months old. I had a lot of the same feelings you did in the beginning.
I realized though that I didn’t want to punish my daughter for adult things either. You don’t know what she told your daughter. The best thing is to speak to your daughter about it. Truth me told, she probably doesn’t want to go to the lacrosse game. Most kids don’t always go and watch their siblings game. Find out where it really game from with your daughter. Doesn’t she really not want to go? As far as where the kid sits when she does attend the game. That she can chose. And she may not chose you, the only thing that’s going to hurt is your ego . And honestly, another day she might chose you!
My ex and I have custody of course. I have the greater amount of time. So I’m pretty flexible. If one ore t has a family thing or a birthday party, if the other parent has no plans , we let go to the fun stuff and the family stuff. Sometimes we exchange days.
It comes down the kids in the end. They shouldn’t be punished for adult decisions no matter who’s “fault “ it was. Which doesn’t mean letting them to go to whichever house they want when they want. It means considering the individual situations. But with the child first and foremost. Like if your daughter should be with her for only the duration. Of the game, not the whole day. You pick her up after, take kids for ice cream!
I am also an only child, but I did hear it is good for kids to have one on one time with each parent. So isn’t it best while you are are focusing on your sons game, for mom and daughter to have their girls time then? Or are your kids never to have one on one time or girls time or guys time because of a custody agreement?
Honestly, put your kids first, and you will likely never make the wrong decisions
“Daughter really doesn’t want to go to lacrosse tmrw. How would you feel if I didn’t go and she could stay with me?”
You're gagging at gnats here. Go to your son's lacrosse game, then go pick up your daughter. I'm not getting who is being punished, etc. A lacrosse game lasts, what, 2 hours? I'm not seeing this as a huge deal.
Scott I know you struggle with the life change, for both you and your kids, that her choice has caused. But as you can see, many here have been through and both they and their kids are fine. Take a deep breath, this isn't that big a deal.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have a couple of things that help (and have helped) me
"If it's not going to matter in 5 years - don't spend more than 5 minutes on it."
"Will this matter to you 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years from now?"
It's difficult in the middle of this not to be affected emotionally, but Steve85 has a good point.
Ultimately, it's YOUR day. You 'can' set a boundary and have D go/not go. But it's that old saying "choose your battles".
You can expend a lot of energy on things that aren't going to matter long term.
Choose the hill you want to die on and all that jazz. This will get better - and you knowing your boundaries and asking others who have gone before you for advice is wise.
My kids are grown, only had to share them when we separated back in 2011 - and at the time, I felt like I was constantly in battle because I was dealing with someone without any boundaries and entitled behavior. It was frustrating at the time, but the main focus can be what's best for the kids long term.
Good luck!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
There's also nothing wrong with being BFFs with your ex-wife. My brother is divorced and he and his wife regularly hang out with his ex-wife and her new husband. They even entered a business together. It took a few years of separation, but it's a cozy arrangement now, with truly no tension between them.
Yeah this is absolutely true, it doesn't work for everyone but it IS possible. My XW and I struggled for some time over how to behave around each other after BD and especially separation. At first I think we both needed time and space (I didn't think I did of course, but in retrospect I did). After a while once the pressure on both of us was well and truly out of the way, we settled into a friendly relationship. I would say it took a good 2 years. We do birthdays, holidays and such together. This year we all (XW, me, our kids, XW's mom) had Thanksgiving at her house. We did dinner and games at her house on Christmas eve, then on Christmas day they all came over to my house and we opened presents. Some might argue that it's cake-eating, but 10 years post BD my response to that would be "who cares". It's not like I'm trying to recon with her, and I do enjoy the time spent as a family as I'm sure she does.
Scotty, regarding your W hitting rock bottom, that's really more of a wayward/ GGW thing rather than a WAS. I thought for sure once my XW moved out and had to do everything herself that she would quickly learn to miss me and everything I did for her. In fact the opposite happened, she enjoyed her new independence and embraced her ability to do things on her own. All these years later she'll ask me for help sometimes, but she still does things on her own that surprise me. She's much stronger both physically and mentally than I gave her credit for. Now that's not to say that she won't learn to miss you, I'm sure she will. I'm just saying don't expect her to have some kind of epiphany that life is rough without you, because it probably won't be.
my son will probably have 30 baseball games this spring and 10 soccer games.
I talked with my kids and asked what they preferred. Watch the child participating in the activity, or spend time with the other two. They all picked the second option.
Most of the time, I ended up playing with all the siblings while the formal actives were happening. Good times.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
