Leaving it behind.

[LH19]

Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.

What does this inner circle consist of? Sounds like he was in your inner circle on November 21st.

[Apsara]

Hope, I believe we are in the same graduating class here on DB . I am still struggling with detachment, so your latest encounter with X is fascinating to me. I think your strength and candor are marvelous, and will be cheering you on.

I am guessing that your faith, which shines through so wonderfully in your earlier post on this thread about the party guests, may have helped you a lot. DB is not a path for the spiritually impoverished, that's for sure.

Thank you for being here and take good care.

[97Hope]

Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.

What does this inner circle consist of? Sounds like he was in your inner circle on November 21st.

This is what I discussed with my therapist today.

When I'm honest with myself - Nov 21st was a big giant F.U. to OW. At the time I had a suspicion but nothing proven. After I found out for sure (last week) it confirmed my feelings that night.

Deep down I knew that was the last time.

Inner circle = trust. emotionally.
X is NOT in my inner circle.

It's taken a long time and I'm not completely detached - but I have been able to be intimate with him in the past without any expectation. But the second I find out there is OW - I'm out. Never again. I don't sleep with other people's people.

Therapist said today "do not empathize with unsafe people. X has proven himself not to be safe."

Time to explore that and remain true to my beliefs and values.

I left X in my inner circle for too long. The peace that I have is that he violated my trust - so I don't regret it, just need to learn to trust myself more. Which is another process.

LH. I appreciate you!!!

[97Hope]

Hope, I believe we are in the same graduating class here on DB . I am still struggling with detachment, so your latest encounter with X is fascinating to me. I think your strength and candor are marvelous, and will be cheering you on.

I believe we are!! I think it's a journey (detachment) and as much as I try to get there, I find new areas I need to work on. I described it like a rope today. You don't just cut the rope, you have to work through cutting each individual strand. Having been with my X for more than 1/2 my life - it's understandable that it's a process.

Thanks for cheering me on! I love the support this place gives. <3

I am guessing that your faith, which shines through so wonderfully in your earlier post on this thread about the party guests, may have helped you a lot. DB is not a path for the spiritually impoverished, that's for sure.

Thank you for being here and take good care.

My faith is most definitely has sustained me. Especially on the darker days. Another work in progress.

Thank you so much and I pray that you are blessed today. With peace and joy in the midst of all of this.

[LH19]

When I'm honest with myself - Nov 21st was a big giant F.U. to OW. At the time I had a suspicion but nothing proven. After I found out for sure (last week) it confirmed my feelings that night.

So revenge is a dish best served with your private parts lol?

Deep down I knew that was the last time.

So you can predict the future? Who will win the Super bowl?

Inner circle = trust. emotionally.
X is NOT in my inner circle.

Can there be love without trust?

It's taken a long time and I'm not completely detached - but I have been able to be intimate with him in the past without any expectation. But the second I find out there is OW - I'm out. Never again. I don't sleep with other people's people.

Can you be in love with other people's people?

Therapist said today "do not empathize with unsafe people. X has proven himself not to be safe."

Your IC is very wise

Time to explore that and remain true to my beliefs and values.

Which are?

I left X in my inner circle for too long. The peace that I have is that he violated my trust - so I don't regret it, just need to learn to trust myself more. Which is another process.

All part of the journey

LH. I appreciate you!!!

Well thank you. It's always nice to be appreciated!

[97Hope]

So revenge is a dish best served with your private parts lol?!

Yeah....that's what I discussed with therapist. LOL He mentioned that he's concerned this type of action/thinking will "harden" me and that might not be a direction I want to go (it's def. not).

Going forward, leaving him to do what he does and with whom and keeping myself out of the chaos. Joining in isn't good for me.

So you can predict the future? Who will win the Super bowl?!

Apples/oranges. Knowing something about yourself - accepting it and trusting it isn't predicting.

Somewhere along the way I stopped trusting myself. That's been the #1 theme for me in IC.

So re Nov. 21 - When it was over - I listened to myself and trusted that this was not the man he used to be/I thought he was - whatever. He is who he is now, and that is not a person I want to hitch my wagon to - in any sense.

Can there be love without trust?!

Of course! How do we love addicts, alcoholics, adulterers? From a safe distance/lovingly detach.
I think the line is - can I have a relationship with someone who has violated my trust? NO.
Can I love them anyway and allow them the freedom to live their own life ? YES
Can I let them close to me in any way emotionally? NO

Can you be in love with other people's people?!

No, but you can ** them! (Kidding, kind of). I will not share a man, was my point, and I will not cheat.

Which are?!

My beliefs...so many - but regarding this situation

I believe:

- infidelity is wrong and hurts more than just the two people in the R.
- honesty is critical for a healthy R.
- trust is earned by behaviors over time.
- we can grow from (censored) experiences.
- this does not define me.
- I am a separate independent person who does not need a person to feel complete.
- peace comes from allowing others the freedom to make their own choices in life
- accepting others for who/what they are is love.
- boundaries are loving and necessary in any healthy relationship.
- no matter how dark the night feels, it doesn't last forever.
- we can find contentment in any circumstance if we choose to.

[97Hope]

For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.

Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.

When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.

Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.

Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.

Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.

As a result, your brain will compel you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.

Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.

WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.

If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.

[97Hope]

LH19 - grabbed that from another thread because it's GOLD.

[may22]

Hope,

I believe:

- infidelity is wrong and hurts more than just the two people in the R.
- honesty is critical for a healthy R.
- trust is earned by behaviors over time.
- we can grow from (censored) experiences.
- this does not define me.
- I am a separate independent person who does not need a person to feel complete.
- peace comes from allowing others the freedom to make their own choices in life
- accepting others for who/what they are is love.
- boundaries are loving and necessary in any healthy relationship.
- no matter how dark the night feels, it doesn't last forever.
- we can find contentment in any circumstance if we choose to.

I love this. It all resonates so much with me. I'm copying it to my phone.

Thank you for sharing it... and you're amazing. You're being brutally honest with yourself and are sharing all of that here. It is okay to not be 100% detached yet but you are making so much progress, it is inspiring to see. I mean, who wouldn't have an evil little grin when their x is texting you inside jokes etc? And an evil grin is faaaar more detached than a racing heart and thinking OMG does this MEAN SOMETHING?? I'm sure there are people out there who never have that evil little grin stage but they probably aren't much fun

Sleeping with him as part of a FU to the OW or marking your territory-- eh, we've all been there. i mean again, I know people exist who can turn it off with a flip of a switch as soon as they find out their S cheated or maybe cheated, but those folks probably aren't here on the DB boards! Forgive yourself, you know what direction you want to take for yourself going forward and it isn't that one. You got this.

xx M

[97Hope]

haha! May you made me laugh.

Possibly marking my territory - although it didn't feel like it at the time, and I've never been one to pee in a circle around a man - could have been driven to it had I not found this community and IC. ; )

I do have a new motto going forward "You can flirt with my man if you want to..if he flirts back, you can keep him."

One reason I am going back and forth on even casual dating for now is that X flirted constantly with anyone and everyone and I don't want anything to do with that. Constant attention seeking. Truly, I would rather be alone than be around that. Turns my stomach.

The evil grin....YES!! That was more like it even with the sleeping with him TBH. I'm dating myself but there was a song in the late 80's early 90's "Boom I got your boyfriend. I got your man" Lord forgive me for liking that. LOL The beat is funny the song is a howrecker tune...but anyway - That's where my head was.

That's what my IC was trying to tell me and you've summed it up. He cautioned it would harden me. It didn't completely make sense until you put it like that. It was about rubbing her nose in the fact that I'm a threat. But the fact is, I'm not the threat - I don't want him and as part of my beliefs - I can't do this anymore because it's using X. I don't want to do that.

It is not the direction I want to be headed! At this point anything tying me to him emotionally needs to go.

x