I had a call with my DB coach and based on that call I decided to call my wife and "temperature check". He didn't recommend it per say, but he did encourage a conversation and gave me some pointers on it if I made the call. I thought long and hard about it and decided to do it. I did not follow his script, but built off my own thoughts.
It was interesting. I started off by saying I wanted to gain some clarity on where we were going. I said that the six weeks had given me a lot of time to step back and look at our MR differently. I said that when she moved out she said she wasn't sure whether we were just separating or if we were getting a divorce and I asked her where she was at now.
She said that based on my behavior over the last several weeks that I was confirming her decision (though she didn't articulate what that was, it implied divorce). She asked me where I was at with the divorce decision and I said that I hadn't changed - I still didn't want to get divorced. I said that the separation had given me a lot of perspective and that if we were to try and reconcile our new marriage would be different than our old marriage and that she may not want to be with me.
She also said she thought my parenting was questionable and that she thought I was too focused on the kids being happy, and then she said that it was good that they were happy.
We were then interrupted by a call from the school as my son got hurt. Where we left off was that we agreed we needed to talk more about our marriage. ------------------------ As I got off the phone, I was irritated. She thinks my actions are pointing us towards divorce? She went behind my back (and her dads back and her sisters back) and conspired with her mom to by a new house for her to move into without telling me. And then she has worked to go no contact as well, and has repeatedly given me the cold shoulder. Give me a break.
Also, based on her tone there was absolutely zero acknowledgement that she has done anything wrong or contributed to this at all. I was not impressed. She reminded me of her mother, whom I despise.
Several times on the call she asked me why I was bringing this up now. She was digging for something and I bet she thinks I'm starting a new relationship - just a wild guess. She also implied that I was moving on with my life which showed I wanted a divorce. ---------------------------- Anyhow, the net of it was that I'm not sure now. I'm creating a new life. Its free, low conflict, I'm actually, oddly, more at ease, I worry less.
I do seek companionship, but if its with her again, at what cost. This call with her was actually a very healthy interaction for me. I could more clearly see some of her crazy.
I also got to tell her that at the end of the day, I just wanted her to find the happiness she is looking for and that I wanted to be happy too. And I think it was important for me to say that.
BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BELIEVE A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH!!
We've told you that over, and over, and over again. Yet you think another discussion will change things?
Scott, on BD if you could have had her sit down and write out exactly in precise detail how she wanted you to behave from that point on, and you did exactly as she said, she would still say that your behavior is confirming to her that she wants a D!
The point? The point is that THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO FIX THIS. If there were MWD would have written a book to tell you exactly what to do and say, and then to live happily ever after. You've resisted that truth all along. You've been sleepwalking through your sitch secretly waiting for her to magically snap out of her fog. The chances of that happening are less than the chance of getting struck by lightning.
One of the reasons we tell LBSs not to start R talks is because they hardly ever say what you hope they'll yll say, and even if they do you can't believe it, and their actions following won't match. And the LBS is left crushed and wishing they'd never started the R discussion to begin with. Which I am guessing is what you are feeling whether you admit it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it is OK that you tried to have a temp check. The result is not surprising. I hope you will soon come to the realization that these sort of efforts are futile. YOu CANNOT FIX HER. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK. NO AMOUNT OF PERSUASION WILL "WAKE HER UP".
And no, your "love" is not strong enough to attract her back. The old saying "If you love her, set her free. If she comes back, she is yours and if she does not, she never was." is deffo true.
I do hpe you come to the realization that now it the time to turn to yourself and start working on yourself. You cannot do that if you keep checking on your W. LEt her be ,let her process what she needs to process. LEt her deal with her issues uninterupted.
I think there is a misunderstanding here. I made that call for me. I wasn’t trying to nice her back or get her back, I was trying to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted o be married to her anymore. I called her to let her know that I wasn’t all the way out yet and to see whether or not she was.
Her answers to my questions and her attacks pushed me further away. This was healthy for me. I’m not sure I want to be with this woman, she’s a mess and doesn’t understand or respect me. There are many women out there who would appreciate me beyond words. I’m successful, a ridiculously good dad, I’m fun, loving, romantic, extremely fit.
If she thinks she can tell me that I’m no good, she’s an idiot. I don’t need that in my life. I’m on the brink of enough is enough. She’s not the only one making a decision at this point.
I want to respect the children, the investment of time and money in the MR and ultimately make the right decision. But at this point, she’s being disrespectful and frankly rude.
I’m reading a book on relationship dynamics and realized that over the past four years she gained power by withholding sex and by blackmailing me with the constant threat of divorce for any slight indiscretion I might make. He accusations of me being controlling and manipulative, laughable. That is what she was doing, and I’ve had enough. That phone call let me see more clearly.
I think your W is being disrespectful and rude because you don’t seem to understand what is going on here. I think you are clearly in denial and she is being that way to get you to back off and understand.
My guess is this is her thinking that you never listen to her and what she is saying.
She can tell you that your no good. That’s her opinion.
You need to do more reading on validation.
I’m in your corner but the last couple days you have had setbacks.
Scott, again, you need to wake up to the fact that she already told you she was all the way out.... Through her actions. It always amazes me when a LBS, after the WAS has moved out, filed for D, has no desire to spend anytime with the LBS, but the LBS has to HEAR "I am done" in words one last time from the WAS. Makes no sense.
This woman has moved out. She insisted sitting your kids down and telling them what was going on. She is making you both split time with the kids. You've been through multiple mediation sessions where in at least one she fired false accusations at you.
Yet you had to have one last conversation with her to prove she was done?!??!
Scott, I stand by what I said. You have been sleepwalking through all this in denial, hoping, expecting some magic would happen and she would, despite all her actions to the contrary, just snap out of it and suddenly want to reverse everything she's been doing and working towards.
You're more likely to get stuck by lightning.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/16/2105:47 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But Scotty, she has let you know she was done. She has made that painfully clear. So here you come asking if she is done, which of course isnt going to get her to react kindly, as she has already told you she is done.
Did you really think there was going to be any other response form her than the one you got.
Well, I hope you got your closure now. I’m sorry, I know it’s painful. But she wants a divorce. If the house and the multiple mediation sessions didn’t say that, I don’t know what else can. And You’ll find when she has said it, and you still don’t get it, she will get mean. It shows you haven’t been paying attention to her or listening to her and that you have been disregarding her feelings and that’s why she says “ this solidifies there has been change”
