There is only so much advice you can read before you start taking it.
I didn't spot DB in the above story--rescuing her, letting her fall back easily into family life after multiple affairs, talky-talky when her (consistent) behavior surprises you, an ultimatum.
I get your emotions control your actions, even when those actions run contrary to a great life for you and your kids without her, or a better life with her. You are one of two members on this board who I most feel need IC. It's promising that you are beginning to explore IC. It would be great if you could reach a point where you could say, "I need to do X, because of Y", where you believe and could defend Y, and then "Do X". It would be great if you saw BD #7 instead of ruining your life as a wake-up call so you value yourself and no longer accept this. You don't want to live like this and teach your D this is an acceptable relationship.
Originally Posted by Marcus Aurelius
Remember how long you've been putting this off, how many extensions the gods gave you, and you didn't use them. At some point you have to recognize what world it is that you belong to..
97Hope's written a bunch of great posts on separating love from attachment--
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I had be completely real and honest about what our MR was - and not what I wanted it to be nor what it was for the first 15 years. While X was rewriting history - it appeared so was I - swinging the pendulum to the opposite direction.
I remember thinking one day - I wouldn't go on a second date with X, let alone a MR or LTR. A lot of healing came with that realization. But also a lot of grief. It was sad to let him go. But reality was what it was and I was strong enough to admit it.
But the love remains. And it's not because he's father of my children etc. It's because I choose to. I grew up with and shared more than 1/2 of my life with that man. Yes, he changed. His behaviors now, who he is now, fundamentally - mean that I have to stay away from him - physically and emotionally.
You have been getting spectacular advice all along Steve. At least try to listen and follow some of it. Make a decision every day. There’s sure is a lot you should be doing but other have already told you and I am not sure you will listen. But please Steve, try and go NC with her now. Real NC. No communication at all! If she goes crazy, ask her to send emails if absolutely necessary. Aim for a month (at first) and do AT LEAST a weeks stretch to begin with. Please Steve, please!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
You have been getting spectacular advice all along Steve. At least try to listen and follow some of it. Make a decision every day. There’s sure is a lot you should be doing but other have already told you and I am not sure you will listen. But please Steve, try and go NC with her now. Real NC. No communication at all! If she goes crazy, ask her to send emails if absolutely necessary. Aim for a month (at first) and do AT LEAST a weeks stretch to begin with. Please Steve, please!
I agree. Steve_ needs to go no contact and change to email only communication. The only communication right now should be about the kids and business.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
There is only so much advice you can read before you start taking it. Thank you guys. I had to stand up to this tonight and look it in the eyes.
It's good you stood up and looked "it" in the eyes. Do you know what "it" was?
I'm wondering if you have tried to grasp DBing with all the books and new information you've read........but there's something you aren't linking together, or you're misunderstanding the timing of when where and how. If you don't understand the basic, then you'll continue to miss the mark.
The biggest issue standing in your progress, IMHO, is that you won't let go of your W. By that, I mean everything you do and say is linked to getting her back. And it's this very thing that causes you to leap when you should change nothing and hold the line.
You have to cut the rope you have tied to her, in order to save yourself......and hopefully, save your children. Steve, do you understand why board members were upset that you spent the night with your W? Although there was no sex, you and W slept in the same bed...... with your five year old child. Some people don't have a problem with their child sleeping in the bed with them, but this isn't the heart of what I'm talking about this night. It is the mental/emotional effect it has on a child to experience living with parents who split, and one parent (mother) has another adult (OM) move in and sleep in daddy's place. Then suddenly, OM is gone and mom & daddy are sleeping together, with the child, and telling her they are going to be together again. If you think this will not shape how she develops, and especially how she relates to men and women relationships........just wait.
You were determined to make sure your kids got moved out of their mom & OM's love nest. You wanted to be on the scene, b/c it was as a big deal to you. Okay, I don't know if you thought there would be a physical altercation with OM......but whatever, its' okay. My point here is the emotional/mental protection your child needs. Kids need a little time to adjust when they are experiencing these big life changing events. You and the mom may be still legally married, and the child may have been delighted to hear what mom was saying, but it was a lot emotionally to pour on her at one time (physically sleeping together and being told a fantasy). IMHO, it would have been better for her to see that OM is really gone for good, and that her parents are being friendly and causally spending a few minutes together once in a while. But for the two of you to go from an invite for dinner at the house, to sleeping together the same evening.......and with the five yr old child, seems way too much......and way too fast. (Did you hear anything about why you don't allow a WW to come back too soon and too easily?)
Being a good dad and putting your kids first.........is not defined by just playing with them when it's your turn to have them. Some dads try to be like Santa Clause and/or compete with the mom to be the most loved parent. This is not putting what's best for the kids first. I'm not accusing you, I'm just saying this isn't all there is to being a great dad. Now that your W has once again said she doesn't want to be in a MR with you.........how will that be explained to this child? She just went through sleeping between her parents and hearing how they are going to be family again. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? She was given false security by her parents only to have it snatched away by her parents. Can you see the whole psychological picture of sleeping between mommy & daddy, while hearing how wonderful the future will be? Do you understand how a little child learns to distrust signs of comfort, closeness, security, hope, etc.? Wasn't this what was offered the little girl? Maybe it all came from her mother, but where was daddy? What was daddy saying?
I'm not trying to beat you up. I really want you to understand what we are trying to say. You cannot afford to make changes or decisions based solely on your W, b/c she is too messed up. She's going to have her kids as messed up as she is, if they have nobody looking out for them. As a man and a father, you must follow your moral integrity, values, standards, etc..........or turn to someone who has these things and can teach you how. We keep telling you to leave her alone while you heal and do right toward your children. Why do you think we all say those things to you?
I'd just like to know what the heck you were thinking when you went from accepting a dinner invitation at her house to spending the night there. Well.......I think I can guess at what you were thinking......"Reconciliation here I come"...... but maybe my real question is did your brain think about any of the board's warnings? Steve, true reconciliation will not come like your W tried to portray that night. It's just not that simple anymore. Too much has happened, and too much damage has been caused. To think dinner and a sleep-over is how you begin a R, is not realistic. It's the movies, but not real life. Your W may have mental issues or whatever, but it just adds to the problem. She's not ready to settle down and be a faithful wife. She pulled one of the oldest tricks of waywards......except, sex is usually involved. I think that's why she had the child sleep in the same bed, so there wouldn't be sex . This is nothing more than emotional manipulation. When a wayward gets serious about coming back to the MR, they will ask what they need to do (what work do they need do, what changes do they need to make, etc.). Your W is nowhere ready. She's nowhere close to being serious.
So now you've called her out about her inappropriate stuff, and she tells you this is how she's going to be. Now what, Steve? Seems nothing has changed with your W. Did you seriously think it had????
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I told hertoday okay: no problem. I am fine with living apart it’s kind of fun dating again, I’m okay with spending time with you it’s been really nice to have quality time with you and the kids. But your getting our hopes up and the kids and our family is so happy, but you want to be single. I can’t do that. I’m sorry. If you want to dothat I would like to continue the divorce. Or you need to respect our relationship and be invested in it. We cannot be married while you act as if you are single. Figure it out but I won’t tolerate that ever again. I will support you if you want to get divorced I’m okay with it. But I don’t want to spend time with you anymoreBecause I don’t want me and the kids getting hurt all over again unless your committed to working on each other and our M.
Steve, see above edit, this should have been the extent of the conversation. You think you're giving her an ultimatum, but you're not. You're continuing to try and negotiate with her. Don't negotiate with a terrorist.
