Leaving it behind.

[LH19]

The ex is always the number one threat.

[97Hope]

Right!! But I can choose to disengage and then it's on OW to perceive me how she will and X in how he moved forward without me.

LH - your questions/comments have really made me dig deep.

Something that came to my mind while working though this - X had said to me at one point "You are a real impediment to anyone I would have a relationship with in the future. I've loved you my whole life and will until the day I die. She would have to accept that."

In my mind at the time, I kind of blew it off. (believe none of what they say..etc.)

But I know for a fact that if I called him right now he would rush over and be here. That, he has been consistent in. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for me at this point if I asked. And that's been the weirdest thing through this whole process.

Instead of giving me the warm fuzzies...it just reminds me that he isn't trust worthy or safe. He left me to be with someone else (for whatever reason) but continues to try and remain my BFF.

Don't know if it's part of MLC or what but he won't stop talking to anyone and everyone about the past. Our past. His coworkers do not even know that we are divorced unless I tell them. A lady at my DIL's office said that he still talks about me like we are still married.

More than cake eating - it's like he wants to keep me as a trophy - while seeing other women. Break from reality, IMO. Pretty messed up and I don't want to be a part of that. Even peripherally.

All of this makes me so grateful to be in my own safe little world out of the chaos he invites into his life. Now I just need to stay the course and not invite him back in.

These are good reminders to not engage if/when it comes up again.

x

[LH19]

I think it gets lost on these boards sometimes but a person can love someone and not want to be with them anymore.

Sometimes people just stop growing together and want different things in life.

It could be that simple but here on the board we have to label it. I mentioned on another thread that I read once that people like to label breakups with MLC, WW etc so they can continue to love someone who has inflicted so much pain on them.

Sometimes relationships just run their course. I think statements like that are taboo on this board.

[97Hope]

I remember reading that comment about labeling MLC!!!! I walked it out in my head.

In the beginning, and for a long time, I needed my X to have MLC, PTSD or a tumor or [i]something!/i], anything because I couldn't reconcile a man I had spent 23 years with just up and destroying all of our lives like this (his particularly).

But with time, it failed to matter. I didn't need that 'something' - I needed to accept that he has behaviors that are unacceptable to me. No matter the reason why or a possible medical diagnosis: he no longer shares my values and he no longer values me.

I had to actually list - over and over - my M as it was in the end and not the fairytale I was imagining due to being discarded. Most of us struggle with that. Several posters are doing it right now. Clinging to a relationship that is harmful, hurtful and unsafe. But I had to get there in my own time and in my own way, and so do they.

I had be completely real and honest about what our MR was - and not what I wanted it to be nor what it was for the first 15 years. While X was rewriting history - it appeared so was I - swinging the pendulum to the opposite direction.

I remember thinking one day - I wouldn't go on a second date with X, let alone a MR or LTR. A lot of healing came with that realization. But also a lot of grief. It was sad to let him go. But reality was what it was and I was strong enough to admit it.

But the love remains. And it's not because he's father of my children etc. It's because I choose to. I grew up with and shared more than 1/2 of my life with that man. Yes, he changed. His behaviors now, who he is now, fundamentally - mean that I have to stay away from him - physically and emotionally.

I have peace with this type of love, but it took time and work to get here. I want to choose for myself what I do going forward - taboo or not, accepted by others or not, agreed with or not - because I've earned that (censored) right.

[LH19]

I like your style Hope.

I can’t get there. My exw has done too much damage and continues to treat my kids in a disrespectful manner. Maybe someday on the other side.

It is nice when the rose colored glasses come off.

[97Hope]

I can’t get there. My exw has done too much damage and continues to treat my kids in a disrespectful manner. Maybe someday on the other side.

I respect this honesty. Also - you know what you need to do for you. The beauty of trusting yourself.

It is nice when the rose colored glasses come off.

Yes!!! I wish there was a machine to zap all the LBS's with this, but the journey is part of it. It's just painful to watch.


I like your style, too. You have really made me dig deep this past week! Thanks.

[LH19]

So hope what does loving from a distance look like to you? Not judging just curious.

[97Hope]

Loving from a distance:


NOT waiting for him to 'snap out of it' or 'be the man I married'.

I accept him for who he is, but I do not accept the behaviors to or towards me - I removed myself from his life.

No enabling - I'm not his shoulder to cry on. (I slipped up a little a few days ago.)

Complete honesty (I don't approve of his behavior) without judgement or condemnation. I said what I said and quit talking about it.

Accepting who I am (or NOT) in his life now. I'm part of his past. I can't act like his friend, confidant, source of comfort etc.

Respecting that he gets to make his own choices even though I can see him driving off a cliff. (this is HARD!!! and takes time and work!!)

Focusing on myself and my own issues and continue to do the work to be AWOAFWL.

NOT dependent on him for ANYTHING. Emotional, financial, physical. I do not 'need' him to meet my needs. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. Taking responsibility for my own feelings and needs.

Not being co-dependent! (this is a whole list on it's own). Since we married as teenagers, this was tough!

I don't cover for him, or get in the way of his relationships with our family (3 sons, 2 DILs and 3 1/2 grands).

Respect him as a person - even though I've lost all respect for his behavior. This can be how I speak about him (or avoid speaking about him) to friends & family. This is still being firm but kind when we do have to communicate.

Not leading him on anymore or being available. That's the most loving thing I can do right now.

[LH19]

Thank you for your openness.

This is interesting because I am at where you are at with everything you wrote except “respect her as a person”.

It’s not because the decision to divorce me. It’s other behaviors including how she treats my kids at times

But as the saying goes her “without respect there can be no love”.

That is why I am not of the opinion that I am loving from a distance.

[97Hope]

You might not be, that's ok IMO.

My X has always been an amazing dad. His love for them is unconditional. No question. If he was a (censored) dad - I don't know that I would do.

To clarify - I respect him as a person. Period. Full Stop.

I don't respect any of his behaviors and as long as they continue I am happy to stay far far away from him.


I was a good wife. I was faithful and loyal and took excellent care of him, house, kids, ranch etc. I had eyes for no one but him. He's not terribly attractive anymore but I always saw Thor when I looked at him. I took care of myself and was an amazing mom.

But I was hard after the BD in 2011. I was battling demons and spewed it out all over him. In 2016 I lost my sister and lost my mind. I battled depression for years (before my sister died, losing her was when I spiraled). I tried different therapists, meds - you name it. It took 7 years! (he said 18 months to late, but whatever) Side note - EMDR therapy saved my life. Treatment for PTSD. I HIGHLY recommend it.

This might sound confusing - I had depression prior to his affairs in 2011. It took until around 2015 for us to truly reconnect. In 2016 lost my sister - spiraled. Around the same time I was seeing 'attention-seeking behavior' on his part. BD #2 2017 - I found EMDR therapy and excellent IC.

Sometime before BD #2 I remember one day he said "I have been deployed 3x, I've been shot at (he listed out so many things that would terrify most people) - But a little 5'4" woman terrifies me." And I could see it in his eyes. He was terrified of me. Little did I know that he was dealing with internal chaos already. But I was in the pit and didn't notice. I just thought he was cruel for shoving my mistakes in his face.

When I saw an inappropriate text - I would lose it! Screaming and carrying on like the world was ending - and to be fair, he had zero coping skills (then or now) and would do things to twist me up. I.e. One time I was crying on the floor and he said "look at you. Ridiculous. You need help".

Now - some could (and did) argue that he didn't have big enough britches to be my partner, and they would be right. He needed to work on his stuff (and obviously didn't) turned to alcohol and women to solve his problems. He has zero boundaries and people have tried to tell him, but now he is so far out there IDK what rock bottom will have to look like for him.

So instead of wishing that things could have been different, and that I might have found good help sooner, and that he would have gotten help at all --- I can accept that it happened how it was supposed to and be thankful for the healing in my own life. My rock bottom was my biggest blessing. It was what I (apparently) needed when as someone put it - I refused to grow so life made it impossible not to.

I think my compassion also comes from knowing how he would feel about himself if he could take an honest look at himself. I've said it before - he said he hates himself. I believe him. I would, too.

I know how I felt when I started peeling back my layers. I did a lot that I was ashamed of. That pain of facing that was almost unbearable. I can have compassion without empathy. That's where I am today. Learning the difference.

I told him at our last R talk (couple years ago) that I wish he would have treated my depression/PTSD as "precious". He scoffed and said "Nothing about that is precious!!" But I said - treat it as precious in that you care for me and protect me. You don't do anything or allow anyone else to throw fire on me.

Today - I can do that for myself. But I know with certainty that any R I have in the future - I'm going to be straight up with the guy and say - what are your coping skills? lol If I spin out - do you have boundaries? Are you sure enough in who YOU are that you understand that my depression (if it comes back) has nothing to do with you?



Holy cannoli I got wordy!!

Also - I just ordered Gates of Fire!!!!