I honestly have no idea what to do right now... I don't even have the strength to carry the weight that I'm oppressed with.
My normally amazing husband snapped in May of 2020, after selling our business, relocating, and a major injury of mine. Words of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" quickly arose, along with claims that our marriage has always been bad, that I've given him a life of "trauma", and then a rapid move to researching divorce attorneys. He has been caught in the guilt of it all and hasn't been able to pull the trigger.
I have been watching and waiting for something to change. He seems deep in withdrawal, getting so bad that he won't even look at me naked anymore (and I'm a beautiful woman)! I would have let him leave months ago, but we have 4 beautiful young children, and I can't imagine their world crushed, their psyches damaged and destined to repeat this sickness with divorces in the future, just as my husband is repeating his own parents' fate. I can't even fathom having them every other weekend, or court battles. I'm scared!
There's an obsession developing with another woman, as well. Not love, but limerence. She feeds him with videos about narcissists and he actually believes it describes me, as he runs from me and locks me out of our bedroom, and refuses to take accountability for the damage he is creating. He wants me to apologize for everything bad I've ever done, and I HAVE. I've taken the blame and said he's right, and it's still not enough.
He's waiting for something to happen in business, and once it does, he plans on filing for divorce. How? HOW can I prevent this? When will it end? When does withdrawal end? When will it be ok? How bad will it get? Will he lose interest in this stupid woman? Will he ever come back to his senses?
I've been watching the youtube video every day about not taking it personally, and pretending it's going to be okay. It's not OK! I want my husband back. This is lunacy! He is so, so sick. He's putting his own fantasy of escape and happiness before our own children, claiming that he loves them, and I'm doing this. How can I make it through this, my friends? What can I do?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I honestly have no idea what to do right now...husband snapped in May of 2020..... How can I make it through this, my friends? What can I do?
Hi there,
Sorry to read about your situation (Sitch). You have found a good place for support with people that have experience similar.
First, you make it through this one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if needed. The more you stay in the present ,the better. Do you best to let go of thoughts from the past and fear of the future.
One thing most of us here agree on is that we can't control other people, only ourselves. We can control how we behave, interact and respond.
When I was going through my sitch, I focus my energy on reading. Working on personal growth. My number one job was being Dad.
Listening and validating his beliefs is one of the best tools you have. You will have to fight every urge in your body to argue with him.
Things that work are counter-intuitive. When in doubt, do nothing and come here for ideas.
I wish you well during this most difficult time.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Read all of the threads sent by Cadet, especially Sandi's Rules. Do not beg, plead, cry or fight with him at the moment. All counter intuitive. We are all in the same boat and have made the same mistakes. Most importantly, please remember that you cannot control his actions. If he has made up his mind to leave the M then all you can do is give him space and start working on yourself.
Listening and validating his beliefs is one of the best tools you have. You will have to fight every urge in your body to argue with him.
Things that work are counter-intuitive. When in doubt, do nothing and come here for ideas.
This is very important early on, because what we WANT to do in this situation is what might have worked for us in the past when our relationship wasn't injured.
Right now, your relationship is not healthy so what used to work during conflicts will not now. Read everything in the welcome post above. When you don't know what to do, just excuse yourself from the situation with non-committal words and then ask for help here, like R2C said above.
You might be close to losing him, or you may have already lost him. Right now it is hard to tell because you will only be getting half-truths from him. That's normal.
I hope that your read of the situation between him and this other person is accurate, and that they have not started an affair. When a marriage reaches that stage, it is very difficult.
Listen, no matter what happens to your marriage YOU will be OK. No matter what happens to your marriage, your kids will be OK. It will take time, but you will be. And your kids will be.
Breathe. Look up 4x4 or box breathing online and use conscious breathing exercises.
There are no quick solutions to this, so try to prepare for this to take a long time. It's scary, but it will be OK.
Last edited by Joe2017; 01/16/2112:13 AM.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I'm sorry you are here. Try and listen to the advice given here as we have all or are all going through it. You will be ok. We aren't just telling you that. I know you are scared. Fear stinks. Stay in the moment - deep breaths. Drink water. Don't allow your thoughts to go too far out, as you don't really know what's going to happen next.
It's all so shocking, but it will not always feel like this. We are here for you. Journal here often. Don't share this site or the MWD book with your H - this place is for you.
As mentioned above - it will feel counterintuitive but the absolute best thing you can do right now is to NOT argue, plead or try and talk your H out of this. Words will not work. If they did we would give you a script.
Just focus on what you need to do for yourself to make it today. Rest. Eat. Exercise if you are able (it really does help - a nice walk if that's all you can handle).
You will be ok. (((((hugs)))
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Breathe! Take one minute, one hour and then one day at a time. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only control yourself and how you react to his behavior. Try to remain as calm as you can. When speaking to him, keep your voice calm and look him in the eye. You've apologized...you don't need to do that again.
When you have the time, visit the MLC Forum. You may just discover that your h is on the Mother Ship w/the rest of the crew that has had a switched flipped in record time.
I know that this is going to be difficult for you, but please try to keep the focus on you as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I honestly have no idea what to do right now... I don't even have the strength to carry the weight that I'm oppressed with.
Here you will find a group of people who are in various stages of the journey you are just beginning. This is going to be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you've ever been through. But you will survive it and probably even thrive afterwards. Just take a deep breath and understand that you have the gift of time.
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My normally amazing husband snapped in May of 2020, after selling our business, relocating, and a major injury of mine. Words of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" quickly arose, along with claims that our marriage has always been bad, that I've given him a life of "trauma", and then a rapid move to researching divorce attorneys. He has been caught in the guilt of it all and hasn't been able to pull the trigger.
This is not at all uncommon. He's torn between his current life and his fantasy life. Your job is to remove all pressure from him. Pull back and give him time and space. No R talks! LBS's all feel like they have to do something to put the M "back to normal" but it's not that simple. Please try and embrace this idea- doing nothing can be very effective in these situations.
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I have been watching and waiting for something to change.
Don't watch or wait, because it will drive you crazy. Start working on your own life without him, even if you're still under the same roof. Get out and GAL. Become more independent.
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I would have let him leave months ago, but we have 4 beautiful young children, and I can't imagine their world crushed, their psyches damaged and destined to repeat this sickness with divorces in the future, just as my husband is repeating his own parents' fate. I can't even fathom having them every other weekend, or court battles. I'm scared!
Keep your focus on the kids, help them through these struggles, get them into counseling if they need it. This will be a tough time for them but they will come through it OK with the help of you and your H. I had the same concerns about my 3 kids but they are all doing fantastic now. And despite my XW and I never reconciling, we have a strong relationship with each other and with our kids. It's been 10 years for me and our kids are now grown and building successful careers. One is engaged to be married later this year.
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There's an obsession developing with another woman, as well. Not love, but limerence. She feeds him with videos about narcissists and he actually believes it describes me, as he runs from me and locks me out of our bedroom, and refuses to take accountability for the damage he is creating. He wants me to apologize for everything bad I've ever done, and I HAVE. I've taken the blame and said he's right, and it's still not enough.
If you've apologized then no need to keep doing so. Learn about listening and validating, validating is much more powerful than apologizing. And the beauty of validation is you're listening to him and acknowledging his feelings without taking personal blame or responsibility for them.
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He's waiting for something to happen in business, and once it does, he plans on filing for divorce. How? HOW can I prevent this?
You can't prevent D, it only takes one person. Your goal is to make a life for yourself, and then way down the road when he comes out of the tunnel and looks at you, he'll find a strong, independent person that he can't resist being attracted to again.
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When will it end? When does withdrawal end? When will it be ok? How bad will it get? Will he lose interest in this stupid woman? Will he ever come back to his senses?
It will probably take you 1-2 years to recover. Some recover faster, some slower. But you WILL recover. He will probably lose interest in OW, but it's likely there will be another and another after that. So you're not in a waiting game where that will fizzle and then things will be "normal" again. Your old normal is gone and you've got to build your "new normal".
(((hugs))) Cry, I'm sorry you're here. Do to you have someone to talk to? Someone that you've confided in about you situation? We are all here for you. The advice you are getting is spot on. H is going to do what he wants. The best thing I ever did was LET GO.... and let my XH figure himself out. I listen to him like I was a therapist. He had no interest in going to talk to someone, or trying to work things out... he had already checked out... and later I found out of OW/xgf.
I was standing for at least a year...let him go... acted as if... and it got me through many days. I became a better me, became more independent, healthier and gave in when he wanted to proceed with a divorce. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. And I wouldn't want to be in a loveless relationship. It's hard, one of the hardest times in your life. You will be okay no matter what. It takes time... one day at a time.
Find someone to talk to. You need all the support you can get. I was a chicken and didn't talk to anyone for a long time, as it was easy to hide what was going on, but in hiding, I was hurting. Thankful that I have this forum for sure.
Take care of YOU. And your kids. You are strong. YOU WILL be okay.
((( )))
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
AnotherStander you mentioned you're remarried. Is it ever possible that a second marriage can be as good as, or better than the first? Do you and your children still carry around so much baggage? How did you know you were ready for marrying again?
