I'm going to pick on you a little.....See what you did in that paragraph?
YOU decide to move forward and be happy. Period. No matter what.
YOU have freedom and opportunity NOW to do whatever you want.(and have had, despite having your **'s in her purse, that was your choice)
I think that's the point of many LBS struggles. We don't even realize that we had agency. But we did and do now.
I get what you're saying, for sure. When I talk about freedom now though I'm more referring to non-married or single freedom. If we do some how end up getting back together, I will absolutely need more freedom and agency or it won't work. But even with that, there's still the gives and takes of being in a relationship. But if we don't get back together, that kind of freedom - the single kind - where you can wake up, hop in the car, and just drive wherever you wand to go without telling a soul or planning at all where you are going. That's a whole other kind of freedom.
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BD makes us think we aren't going to be ok without them, but the truth is we MUST be ok without them or we aren't suited to have a healthy R.
I completely agree. I'm going on 6 months since BD and while I'm nowhere near where LH19 wants me to be (lol) I'm already much stronger and more OK with myself that I was. There's still a ways to go but the overwhelming sense of dread when thinking about the future is now tempered with some excitement and hope. and that's good.
BD makes us think we aren't going to be ok without them, but the truth is we MUST be ok without them or we aren't suited to have a healthy R.
I completely agree. I'm going on 6 months since BD and while I'm nowhere near where LH19 wants me to be (lol) I'm already much stronger and more OK with myself that I was. There's still a ways to go but the overwhelming sense of dread when thinking about the future is now tempered with some excitement and hope. and that's good.
One of the things that helped me was in comparing it to the death of a spouse. In both cases (spouse leaving us or death of a spouse) we don't get a choice in what happened. In both cases, obviously, our preference would be that it didn't happen. But the problem is that in the spouse leaving, we think we have some power to stop it. We don't. Where with a the death of a spouse we realize there is no going back and that we have to move forward and be okay alone. However, if we can understand that there really isn't a difference, then we realize our only choice is to move forward, learn to be ok by ourselves, and do the work necessary to get there.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/19/2103:26 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm going on 6 months since BD and while I'm nowhere near where LH19 wants me to be (lol) I'm already much stronger and more OK with myself that I was.
So digitty dog I post here to help people try to avoid mistakes that I made and mistakes I see time and time again. So it's not me wanting you to be stronger I know it's very difficult. You will see I was right years down the road that I promise you. You will see you should have stood up to her and you will also see she isn't worth the agony she's putting you though. Your stomach will cringe when you think of you home taking care of the kids while she's out sleeping with other men.
This is the value of hind sight, and unfortunately for most people, you can't absorb it until you're ready. You have to learn, just like me, and that's the hardest way.
That overwhelming feeling of dread about your future is awful. Early days - yes, overwhelming.
But when you get to where you face the reality of your old MR for what it is - unfaithfulness, lying whatever you are going through or have gone through - you realize that a future with that is impossible.
The truth is, we have never known the future. That hasn't changed with BD although it can feel like it.
We just know that today - it wasn't what we thought it was going to be. That's the hard part to get through.
x
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I'm going on 6 months since BD and while I'm nowhere near where LH19 wants me to be (lol) I'm already much stronger and more OK with myself that I was.
So digitty dog I post here to help people try to avoid mistakes that I made and mistakes I see time and time again. So it's not me wanting you to be stronger I know it's very difficult. You will see I was right years down the road that I promise you. You will see you should have stood up to her and you will also see she isn't worth the agony she's putting you though. Your stomach will cringe when you think of you home taking care of the kids while she's out sleeping with other men.
This is the value of hind sight, and unfortunately for most people, you can't absorb it until you're ready. You have to learn, just like me, and that's the hardest way.
I hear you and I absolutely value your advice. It has been very helpful and while I might struggle putting it all into practice, I do see where I have been able to and how it has helped.
The truth is, we have never known the future. That hasn't changed with BD although it can feel like it.
One thing I've come across in all my reading is the idea of certainty vs uncertainty and how people (like me) will cling to something that isn't good but is certain instead of choosing something else that is uncertain but might actually be good (or better).
I hear you and I absolutely value your advice. It has been very helpful and while I might struggle putting it all into practice, I do see where I have been able to and how it has helped.
It's frustrating because I had hope for you when you got here. I felt your W was not completely check out. I felt if you pulled away the safety she would rethink things. Well anyway one way or another it will eventually come to an end.
As for certainty, other then death, taxes and LBS will suffer there is no certainty.
One thing I've come across in all my reading is the idea of certainty vs uncertainty and how people (like me) will cling to something that isn't good but is certain instead of choosing something else that is uncertain but might actually be good (or better).
I was listening to a message where a guy was having trouble lifting heavier weights. His trainer said "It's not the weight. It's your grip."
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I hear you and I absolutely value your advice. It has been very helpful and while I might struggle putting it all into practice, I do see where I have been able to and how it has helped.
It's frustrating because I had hope for you when you got here. I felt your W was not completely check out. I felt if you pulled away the safety she would rethink things. Well anyway one way or another it will eventually come to an end.
As for certainty, other then death, taxes and LBS will suffer there is no certainty.
You may be right and I know my suffering isn't over, but I can't help but wonder if she did rethink things back then and we got back together if I would've continued to grow like I have. I'd like to think I still would've continued, but I know me.
