WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.)

[ScottB]

I just read a line in a book that made me think:
“A woman should be a compliment to a mans life, not the focus of it. When you start living for a woman, you become that woman.”

[LH19]

No truer words have ever been spoken!

[Vapo]

Hi Scott,

first of all, you are doing a whole lot of mind reading. Secondly, you did not understand the message your W was trying to convey. Her telling you that she does not know if she wants a D or a separation in a clear statement on her part she wants you out of her life. You were just not hearing her. In your mind you probably heard her say that there is a chance. Believe me, there was none.

However you are correct in asuming she wants you to pull the trigger. She deffo does not want to appear as the bad guy and she deffo wants to shift the blame onto you.

I am not here to chastize you. You are doing well, very well. In order to internalize the lessons an individual sometimes has to go against the advice of others and experience the lesson by himself. Nothing wrong with that. We, the vets, try to share our experiences to try to spare the LBS of making the same mistakes (experiences) we made, thus shortening the learning curve.

We here on these boards, we are all in your corner, rooting for you.

[Ready2Change]

On Wednesday I head to Florida for 5 days..... When she finds out she is going to flip out.

How much energy are you currently wasting on her emotional state?


I have noticed that here in Colorado, "The safest thing to do is to stay home" means to go on vacation in Colorado. Florida plates, NY plates, California plates, Texas plates are common. Our window to control C19 has passed. It is all about personal risk management now.

Have a great time in Florida. Have a great time validating your children's mother's emotional states. Have a great time setting her free.

[ScottB]

Vapo - I think you’re right in both points. She’s been trying to get my to leave or divorce her for years. She may have worked on things for a bit when we were in Retrouvaille but overall she’s been looking to leave and she’s been testing me to see how much pressure I could tolerate.

Mentally I’m working to make the switch to focusing on our relationship as one of co-parents. I need to move forward in the divorce process, and I need to continue to make good decisions in regards to GAL.

Last night I went to my new men’s group. I’ve got five days coming up with my parents in FL. I get back and have the kids for two days, dinner with a client, a day off, then 5 days with the kids. I’m working my schedule about two weeks ahead. If I have nothing going on I’m likely to pine and feel lonely, so I’ve scheduled stuff out (and will continue to do so) as much as possible.

I know myself and if I have nights open, I am likely to falter.

[ScottB]

R2C - I’m not spending as much energy as I was in her emotional state. I think as I transition the relationship to being co-parents that will help me mentally and emotionally. Also, journaling helps. Today I wrote about the stress I used to feel when she was around - anytime I would want to relax I would be stressed out in worry because she might not approve. For example, one day she was getting ready for My daughters birthday party And it looked like everything was ready. I asked if I could do anything else to help, she said no. I laid down in the couch and took a thirty minute nap. After the party that became a reason for us to get divorced. I was insensitive and didn’t care about anyone except myself.

Now, if I want to take a nap, play a video game, watch TV, make dinner late, go to the gym, I just do it and it’s cool. So I may spend some energy or concern on whether or not I’m going to piss her off (though I’m spending less innit all the time) but I’ve gotten so much back, it more than makes up for it.

[97Hope]

Unhappy people will hand you a scroll of iniquities for what you did wrong at BD, and after - if you continue to allow it. Hint - tt's always a moving target! Couple that with their propensity to rewrite history - and it's maddening!!

If you spend enough time with a person who operates like this - a person who can't be happy on their own - you may start to believe that you are the problem. Also because of codependency - a need for them to be ok for you to be ok.

Freedom is when it matters not. When you maintain your own emotional balance despite what is going on around you or what others are experiencing/feeling. - "Man's Search for Meaning" Frankl - life changer!

As the veil lifts - you will see more and more instances where you were judged harshly. I used to feel guilty when I didn't have dinner ready. Serious guilt and shame. Or when I took a nap, or didn't get up early or watched a 'chick flick' and so many things...

X wouldn't say anything outright (passive aggressive was his style) but the sighs, disapproving looks (sometimes contempt) or backhand "jokes" wore me down. It got to the point where I was the butt of the family's jokes. One day it just dawned on me - when I eat, sleep etc. is really none of his business. Also - I'm not responsible FOR him. But it had become so normal to me that I just thought it was how things were.

I've since tried my best to model better behavior to my kids and point out when they say something disparaging to me or each other "as a joke" - it's almost a non-issue now. So watch that if your kids are raised with PA behavior or cruelty disguised as a 'joke'.

Keep exploring those feelings of yuck when you "know this is going to upset X" - because you can learn about yourself through this - and you can lean in to truth. What you know about yourself to be true - and what's just their stuff flinging your way.

Also regarding your "R" as co-parent going forward - you might like "parallel parenting". I think in about 99% of these cases - parallel is a better option. Imagine trying to 'co-anything' with someone who won't 'co-operate'...just my 2 c's.

Cheers to eating watermelon & yogurt for dinner and setting our thermometers to whatever the duck we want!!! LOL

[ScottB]

Thanks Hope.
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I use this message board to explore my thoughts and feelings to a degree. I continue to reflect no the marriage and I think my Values are playing into this significantly. Family has always been my number one value and I've framed that around a long term marriage. No other value was even close to that of Family for me and the frame that I defined that through.

I don't miss my wife most of the time. Its not about her. The anxiety is about the unknown. The sadness is about a lifelong dream that has been lost. I'm mourning that dream and its hard to let go of.

Its about the dream, not about my wife. She just happens to be in the dream and the subject of it.
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The kids and I have this thing where we have been watching old Cosby episodes. The way they interact in the show is really interesting. Clair and Cliff never take themselves or the kids too seriously. They have a sense of humor and they are allowed to be who they are. They flirt, make jokes, its really a good example of marriage. And in nearly every episode their is a bedroom scene that implies intimacy.

Its so incredibly opposite of how my STBXW interacts with the world.

[LH19]

I don't miss my wife most of the time. Its not about her. The anxiety is about the unknown. The sadness is about a lifelong dream that has been lost. I'm mourning that dream and its hard to let go of.

Its about the dream, not about my wife. She just happens to be in the dream and the subject of it.

It's hard to accept that what you viewed as the dream your W viewed as a nightmare. You are starting to see things clearly Scotty B. It was never about your W, she's just a mythical character in your dream. Time to change what your dream life looks like. Hopefully it includes laughter, joy and people who want to be apart of your new amazing life.

You are getting there.

[DonH]

Time to change what your dream life looks like. Hopefully it includes laughter, joy and people who want to be apart of your new amazing life.

It’s much easier for those of us with BD and D at or near double digit years in the rear view mirror to look at it this way. But we only got here by first facing and then grieving what we lost. It’s normal to feel like you do Scott. You thought you had your dream life. It’s crushing to learn otherwise and takes time to get through. In some ways it will effect you for the rest of your life. I know it has me. That’s not bad, there is positive effect too. It changes who we are - again, sometimes for the good. But it does all get better as evidence by how LH and I can look back at and talk about it all so matter of fact and casually as we do now.